Morning Orisons

My words are one
with the great mountains,
with the great rocks,
with the great trees.

My words are one
with my body
and with my heart.

And with you, day!
And with you, night!

My words are one
with this world.
I am one with this world.

You all see this, all of you.

--Shaman song, Siberian Yokut people.

When we move through our days with that knowledge, every action is a perfect prayer of gratitude to the goddess who is all, who is everywhere, who never forgets us.

And yet, it is so easy to feel disconnected with the world and everything in it when trapped in a flying box hurtling along at 37,000 feet above the surface of the earth, even though, in daylight, one can look out of the window and see the earth far below, a perspective far different from the one we receive when walking on the earth itself - Herself.

My words are one
with this world.
I am one with this world.

This portion of the poem struck me - echoing like a mantra in my mind as I settled to the meditation, thinking back on what it was that I was doing, the progression of time since then... because often they are not. I'm very quiet, too quiet. I withhold my words from the world and stand, watching - waiting - a wallflower, and honestly it's not helpful, it's not useful and it's not healthy, not for me or my relationships with others. Why is it that I feel I must keep my voice stifled. Like most people I have been teased and ridiculed, criticised and questioned in the past, on things I say, but this is normal and we, as adults learn to deal. When criticised, I feel my inner child most strongly, and she hurts. Some days yes, I can rise over it and brush it off, more often it shuts me up and prevents me from speaking. I know this. It is my problem and I must work on it. I must open my mouth no matter what is said to me, or in response to me, (or what is not said, sometimes, that I want to hear).

The mantra my mind had adopted then changed to:

My thoughts and deeds
are one with this world.
I am one with this world.

Here perhaps is something easier to bring back to the woman I am, in service to the Goddess within and without. I can live in a loving, pagan way and perhaps this will also help with articulating myself. I have decided that these two phrases together will form the basis of my morning Orisons from now on. My first words on waking, my affirmation for each day.

From a more 'alive in the world' point of view, my 'being one' with the world and my own experiences of it... I bring to mind the debacle of getting to the airport from the Luxor in Vegas the last time... when I was naive and gave the taxi driver an inroad for charging us more money for the fare. I remembered this very clearly on getting a cab from the airport here in Cairo to Rehab. The cab firm wanted to charge me a lot of money to take me back to my apartment, and out of my mouth come the words, "No... no that isn't right. When I came to the airport from Rehab, the driver only charged me 25LE." I was adamant about this, even to the point of starting to walk away to approach a different cab company. That did the trick, and I was charged only 75LE to get back (That's about 8 sterling or $12). Admittedly this was more than I paid on the way there, but what I didn't tell the cab company was that it was a driver from school that had agreed to bring me to the airport - 'mates rates' as they say. One saves money where one can, I suppose.

And A Happy New Year To All...

Her beauty shines forth: Kokyanwhuti,
she who gives light and nourishes life,
the mother of all that lives and shall live.
There she stands, dressed in soft wool,
white and blue, woven with the symbols
of womanhood, the butterfly and the blossom.
Turquise and shell and coral: these are
her jewels. Fair and warm and tender:
these are her expressions. Gleaming white:
this is the color of her soft skin boots.
Look how she smiles at us as she dances
on the shifting sands of time. Look
how she smiles at us before she disappears.

--Hopi creation myth

...in our lives, the brief enthusiasm of beginnings comes all too soon to an end... That same ancient myth tells us an important secret, however: that the goddess did not disappear, bt submerged herself into the very reality that challenges us.

I believe it is in how we rise to the challenges of reality that define who we are as people, and for many years now I have been crumbling under reality, taking a negative view even while trying to speak positive words, demonstrate enthusiasm. It's a dichotomy that's been a sheering force, breaking me in two... and just when I'm starting to thing I'm getting on top of things along comes something else to push me back to the bottom of the unclimbable mountain of which I seem always to be standing at the foot.

I resolved to demonstrate the honesty of aligning inner with outer, while still trying to remain strong. It's not easy, because inner is a very emotional woman, wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't really hold much back in regard of how she feels, and that's not always politic. She can be very sarcastic sometimes - which when faced with some other people who are or can also be sarcastic, or at least sound that way sometimes, even when that was not their intention, can often cause unrest. That inner resolution was challenged from the very moment the intent was thought into being.

In some situations I do better than others, and I'm fighting hard not to falter in that inner with outer alignment - but I have to keep reminding myself... checking myself, if you will, to demonstrate emotional honesty at all times. That doesn't mean going round with a miserable look on my face all the time - though I'm told that I rarely smile any more - but I think those smiles will return when I am at peace with not feeling one thing and trying to show another. Might end up getting called 'outspoken' and it might sometimes make me seem 'difficult' but why pretend I'm okay with something, when I'm not?

The movie and miniseries Dune open with Irulan speaking the worlds Beginnings are a very delicate time... (It's in the book too of course, but it's nestled there... in context with so many other things. Never truer words have been written/spoken. I came back to the school resolved to make the best of the next 6 months... to embrace the opportunity, and the easing of the financial burden which undeniably will help. Ironic then, that 'welcome back' should be followed by - 'oh, for the next two weeks there will be no Arabic specialist lessons.' Ministry exam time, apparently, and staff are being given time out of 'lessons' to do the marking of the exams after they have administered them this week.

Things that make you go hmmmm, kind of springs to mind. It makes for a difficult start to the new year, and already everyone - me included - doesn't feel like we've had a vacation at all.

*A Step In the Right Direction

Mother, goddess, show me the secrets of my heart.
Show me where I have wandered off my path.
Show me how to find my path again.
Flyt before me, illuminating my path.
Fly before me, showing me the broad road
into my best future. Show me the way!
Prepare the way for my searching feet!
O mother of light, you who dwell in the south
on nine wooded hills, O show me the way!

--Seberian shaman prayer.

On those days when we doubt ourselves (and there will be many), we must put our trust in the goddess to illuminate the way before us. The same inner knowledge that once brought us to her presence will light our path on the dim days when cares and tasks seem to block the way to her.

I woke this afternoon to the call to prayer. I had fallen asleep to the sound of the early morning call to prayer - what a kind of spiritual awakening. Different faith, admittedly, but all paths lead to the divine - no offense intended to anyone. My orisons were missed, but instead I read the words of this prayer, I read them aloud, it's a supplication I have been making for many months, into years by now, finding neither answer from an external voice, nor from myself... until today. Not so much an answer as a thought, and the thought process - as near as I can recall it was this:

Damn it's freezing again, I'm officially sick and tired of being cold. How can I concentrate on anything - how can I even contemplate taking a shower when it's this cold when I'm dry how cold am I going to be when it's wet.

That was when the realisation really sank home. I'm uncomfortable, and thinking only, yearning only for comfort. How can my thoughts be anything approaching spiritual, true to self, when I'm uncomfortable, be that physically or psychologically?

Embracing that truth allowed me to actually move forward. The Goddess, and my path, and everything that I've been fearing I have lost (thus deepening my psychological discomfort), are still with me, still there, and I need to trust in that in order to step forward and find my way back to the middle. It's so ridiculously obvious that to be honest I feel a little foolish, but that said, I also feel a deepening sense of returning calm. No, it's not that everything is just perfect again... I've not suddenly snapped back to where I was those years ago, but I feel more empowered to be able to be myself.

I left the meditation at that point, and began moving about my day. Yes, I did shower, embracing the cold outside of the warmth of the water as much as the warmth of the water itself. I drank tea, while I made a shopping list of the things I wanted to get - including two blankets, to make sure that I stop shivering at night... and food - fruit and vegetable, some tins of tuna, pasta, continuing my mostly vegetarian diet - though for no other reason that I don't really trust the meat out here... then walked to the mall, and back with my heavy shopping.

It was as I was walking that I realised that no, actually I had not left the meditation at all - shifted it to another level, yes. I was going about all of these daily tasks with 100% of myself engaged. Not doing one thing and thinking about another, but thinking about what I was doing. Thinking about the feel of the ground under my feet as I walked; feeling the weight of the groceries in my shoulder bag, and in the grocery bags in my hands; feeling the sun warming away the chill in my bones... and after a frigid week here that was a very welcome feeling... so offering a quiet prayer to the Sun for His touch.

When I got back I was hot, and I was tired, but it was a good feeling. I opened the bottle of water I had brought, and poured myself a glass - it was still icy cold from the refrigerator at the store, and I sat and savoured the refreshing chill, thanking the brothers and sisters of the Undine realms for their care.

It was the first time in forever since I've been this engaged. And I truly feel I have taken a step in the right direction today.

Blessed be.

Universe Quit Pushing

First I pray to Gaia, earth herself,
primal prophetess, the one who speaks
the hidden truths; then I call upon
earth's daughter Themis, for justice
sits upon her mother's throne;
these names are the vestibule of prayer
for me, the entry to the sacred realm.
Then I call upon Athena, for I will
need her wisdom; and the Muses,
for I need their eloquence. Divine
women, all of them, I invoke them
as I rise into my strength and power.

--Greek dramatist Aeschylus

Each day has its own challenges as well as its own potential treasures.

Friends are probably the biggest of treasures to find in each day. I have been lucky enough to find a small core of individuals with whom I feel comfortable, whose friendship, concern and hospitality far outshines that of many people that I've met in a long time. You know that there are people whom you know that you will get along with from the moment you meet them.

It was like this when I met Robin and Gina, and Rich and Meghan and Kira, and Girl Bob - a few others in NC, but those are the ones that stand out the most.

Online friends whom I have only known online that I could list would include Joy, Mikki, Elaine and Seramercury, though that is by no means the extent of the list. And those that I have since met, of course Gaile stands out as being one of the strongest.

And here in Egypt a few, a very few - Mark being one, and Sarah, who seems to have adopted me into her family, as the other. The circle is growing, but slowly, and I hope after I leave here, I'll be able to keep in touch with these people.

I think if it wasn't for friends, all of these and more, the challenges would be far too great and would drag me down. I wouldn't cope. I'm strong, but not that strong. I know there will be people out there that will tell me that's rubbish, and that I'm stronger than I think, but I know my limitations, and I know where I fall down - the challenges I need to work on meeting, I suppose, but until I have, there are times when I'm not as strong as I could be. I guess.

Dealing with money issues is one such area. I hate it, I'm hopeless with it. I don't like to talk about it, I deal with it only because I have to. It's a constant challenge in my life. I would be quite happy if I had some kind of cosmic accountant that would take care of all of that for me, but of course life isn't like that. Imagine then, my horror at discovering that my carefully planned and carefully budgeted plan for what would happen after Christmas being destroyed in an instant by the ATM telling me that I had no money, when I knew I should have at least 2300LE. Oh, it was a problem easily solved - a clerical error at school that was fixed the following day, actually to my benefit, but those 24 hours or however long it was until I had the money in my hand were a very challenging time for me. I had to speak of it... I had to explain it... I had to wonder what on earth I was going to do in case I turned out to be wrong and I wasn't going to get it. For the beginning of a year, it was not the start I would have wanted. But maybe this was the universes way of making me face my issues, perhaps. I thought of that just as I am typing this up - the consciousness stream open to additional thoughts, of which that was one. Certainly since then I have resolved in myself to try not to be so hopeless and 'British' and staid when it comes to talking over the issues, which I know will make some people breathe a sigh of relief. I know it drives Mir mad that it's like pulling teeth to get me to talk about these things. Like with everything else, it's not going to happen overnight, but I'm working on it. I just need gentle (note, please Universe, I said gentle), encouragement.

Knowing Where I Am

No one, not even the gods, can
know your immensity, Mother
of all beings, you who gave birth
to the world, you who gave birth
to yourself, alone. Your heavy
breasts shine yellow as saffron.
How can we not worship you!
How can we not banish doubt and anger
from our minds so that we can know
your red body with its milky breasts;
your body, beautiful and boundtiful;
your body red and saffron-gold;
our source and our safety?

--Indian Tantrasara

Each action we take, consciously and wholeheartedly is new and fresh. Each step we take in our life's dance has never been taken before.

I decided today, after visiting the computer store in the Souk to get my new computer that I really need to go there again one time in the daytime, when it's light, and visit all the stores and get to know the place. There are stores here where the produce is fresher than it is at the Metro (supermarket), and having things go bad on me is certainly an issue that I want to avoid. Six months is half a year, and I should know where to go in the place I'm living to get what I need, without having to always rely on other people too much

Like I do (mostly) in NC - knowing that I can get such and such in Harris Teeter at North, or I have to go to University Mall for x, y, or z. Knowing what I can get at Walmart or Target and so on. If I know those things, I should also know the same kinds of things for here, right - not that we have a walmart of Target, the closest equivalent we have is a store called Spinney's and I have to travel to Heliopolis for that... quite a trek, though the busses are regular enough and the cab far back, if I end up with a lot of things, is only 25LE (which is about 2.50 sterling, or $4) so it doesn't break the bank, but if I can get the things I need from stores in the souk around here, why make the Trek. What spend the extra time, which I could then use for working on things on my 'to do' list?

It's all part of growing up, I suppose - learning to be independent. I'm not saying that I'm not... I'm in a foreign country by myself for goodness sake, and yes I have friends around me to help me when I need that, but - I'm mostly coping... I think. But I do feel that there are areas where I could exercise a little more independence. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I should make allowances for myself, as I am still learning the steps to this new dance I'm living.

*Hormonal Vampires

Gray-eyed one, I sing of you, wisest and most beauitful, relentless Athena, protector of cities, strong-armed and fair. From his head the great god birthed you, dressed in golden armor and bearing a sharp spear. The holy mountains shook when you were born, and the earth quaked, and the sea's dark waves broke against the land. Even the sun stopped in astonishment at this sight, this goddess, fresh-born and strong. Hail to you, Athena, my I never live without the shield of your protection.

--Homeric hymn to Athena.

To live in her image is to live fully but safely, to be generous but not exhausted, to have enough both for ourselves and to share with those who merit it.

I woke this morning feeling a little low. There was no reason for this that I could fathom, even after a long self examination. Yes there have been stresses at work, but the week has ended and I have survived it reasonably well. Personally I am able to speak with and spend time with Mir once again, making the best of what we can with the distance between us, and we're getting a few things done, we're getting a few plans made, and I'm looking forward to the future and to the time we can spend together again that's coming up. So no, no reason I could think of for feeling low and ill at ease, and headachey when I woke.

So I must turn myself today to Athena, to crave her wisdom and protection, to ask her help in understanding from where these feelings come... without of course overlooking the obviousn answer of it being hormonal. The signs of that are there in and of themselves, but... who wants to admit to being driven merely by the chemicals (albeit natural ones) that are flowing through their body?)

Another less obvious answer is that I'm finding that one of my closest friends here is adding to my stresses. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces, and I know I can count on her for help when I need it and can go to her with any problem I might have, and she'll probably be able to point me in the right direction to find the answer, but... lately she's become so... 'flappy' and intense. I know she's got a lot going on in her personal life, which isn't mind to talk about, but I see it spilling over into work, where she's just suddenly become almost a nightmare of 'this is what we're going to do and this is how we're going to do it and that's it, right?' and walking away before you even have a chance to understand what it is she's talking about, and for that to be coming from a team leader, it's not very helpful. And in personal relationships she's become very short and distracted too - understandable with what's going on in her life - but it kind of leeches out the energy. I want to be able to be supportive, but she tires me out. It wasn't until I sat down and thought about how I'm feeling that I realised this... and realised that I don't really know how to deal with it.