Welcome To the Cedar Grove

When I was born, a book was made
in which I entered credits and expenses.
If I take in more than I give,
I must account for the difference.
If I give more than I take in,
I must account for the difference.
If I do not live in balance,
there is no end to the questions
I must answer. But there is a way
to end all this weighing of debt
and credit: to meditate upon Kali,
to picture the dark goddess in my mind.

Indian poet Ramprasad

In the service of the goddess, the most important thing is balance.

In any kind of service, even in life the most important thing is balance, and this, if anything is the one failing that is a constant among we humans: a failure to maintain balance.

As I write this, I am currently in the air on the way home to my wonderful guy where I intend to spend a good long time spoiling her rotten. To give. She needs it and deserves it. Her 'batteries' have been depleted by constant giving of her own energies, her own love, her own time... giving everything. So my dearest wish is to go and help to restore balance; to show her that she is loved.

Yes, this is me giving, but in giving - especially in this instance, I also receive, because to see my love happy and healthy is my dearest wish and a balm for my own heart... and because I know that she will give in return anyway. There is so much that we wish to share, and in doing so we will achieve our balance. That is my dearest wish.

Yet there are still times when I feel very out of balance. It's not anyone's fault I suppose, except my own and then it's not really a fault, more a perception. Meditating on this feeling, I discovered that it's not as bad as it used to be. There was a time very recently, and looking back I think this was a symptom of the negativity I was living under, when I would do something for someone; where I would capitulate to something; where I would agree perhaps with something I didn't really want in order to avoid conflict, where in the back of my mind I would be sitting there in the self same breath thinking but what about me? Was it selfishness? No I don't believe it was. I do believe, however, that it was a heads up from my innermost self reminding me that I was not living in balance, because I was being so negative, all the joys of being able to do and to give to others was not reaching to my heart, as it used to, (and has begun to again), in order to provide the balance my soul and psyche needs. Having been recognised, having had the block of negativity removed by positive thought and daily affirmations of positivity, the little voice has once more gone away, content that my needs, my balance is being restored, little by little - one step at a time.

Hail to the goddess of song, the one who feeds the singer
on milk and melted butter and the purest water.
Hail to Sarasvati, who gives us treasure.
She of the marvelous gifts, she of the best luck,
she of the greatest wealth, we hail her.
May she bring me fortune. May she bring me liuck.
May she bring me protection as she answers my prayers.

--Indian Rig Veda

We have grown impatient with the gray sterility of winter; we are ready for green growth.

One of the things that is most striking as I come into Raleigh is and has always been the view of the trees as the plane gets lower and lower over the cities and surrounding urban spaces.

Having flown in at all the times of the year more or less, it is amazing at the difference you see between winter and spring, and summer, and fall... the riot of colours... It's part of what I love about North Carolina.

To me it's still 'coming home' at any time of the year, but I remember, I think, Mir commenting on how gray the trees looked one time when she flew in and said she thought it looked ugly. The gray is there, but as you get lower... there's green among the gray.

Each time I see those trees... and it's an image that is locked into my mind as most welcome... but each time I see those trees it is like some kind of epiphany to me. It doesn't matter if they have leaves. It doesn't matter if they're budding green or in the full green of summer, or their fiery fall colours - what matters is that they're there, out of the window of that plane, and my spring green among the gray is that I'm home.

31 days until I see spring again.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The angel seeing us is watching
through each other's eyes.
--Rickie Lee Jones

But like the summer sun I chase to feel it set on my face, I am not it, nor is it me. Yet between us rises an unrelenting beauty that no one can have, though we can't live without it.

Tuesday 29th
While I'm writing this, Mir is just finishing work, and then going to take my little boy, McKay, to the vet to have his ears checked, (as well as injections for other ratties). I find myself sitting imagining going with her and the rats to the vet... part of living life as our family. Over the summer I spent a lot of time with taking the rats to the vets, and being with the rats at home. I miss that part of our family life as much as I miss being with Mir herself. Our family is a beautiful one; for all that people don't understand what it is to have rattie babies.

I finally managed to get my flight booked today for my journey home at Christmas. It was something that I sorely needed to do. It was something that was in some way that I can't explain, except to say that it was a lingering fear that I wouldn't get home, but with that done, I feel like a great weight has lifted away. I think maybe it has lifted away for Mir as well. I hope it has.

I'm looking forward to going home, to be there with Mir, to sharing our time together, going to Biltmore together, cleaning up the spider webs and getting rid of the spiders so that I can make things comfortable for Mir at home. I'm looking forward to being able to go out together to the movies, or to dinner, but most of all I'm looking forward to just being together... truly being together.