cedar_grove | *A Step In the Right Direction (Reply)

Mother, goddess, show me the secrets of my heart.
Show me where I have wandered off my path.
Show me how to find my path again.
Flyt before me, illuminating my path.
Fly before me, showing me the broad road
into my best future. Show me the way!
Prepare the way for my searching feet!
O mother of light, you who dwell in the south
on nine wooded hills, O show me the way!

--Seberian shaman prayer.

On those days when we doubt ourselves (and there will be many), we must put our trust in the goddess to illuminate the way before us. The same inner knowledge that once brought us to her presence will light our path on the dim days when cares and tasks seem to block the way to her.

I woke this afternoon to the call to prayer. I had fallen asleep to the sound of the early morning call to prayer - what a kind of spiritual awakening. Different faith, admittedly, but all paths lead to the divine - no offense intended to anyone. My orisons were missed, but instead I read the words of this prayer, I read them aloud, it's a supplication I have been making for many months, into years by now, finding neither answer from an external voice, nor from myself... until today. Not so much an answer as a thought, and the thought process - as near as I can recall it was this:

Damn it's freezing again, I'm officially sick and tired of being cold. How can I concentrate on anything - how can I even contemplate taking a shower when it's this cold when I'm dry how cold am I going to be when it's wet.

That was when the realisation really sank home. I'm uncomfortable, and thinking only, yearning only for comfort. How can my thoughts be anything approaching spiritual, true to self, when I'm uncomfortable, be that physically or psychologically?

Embracing that truth allowed me to actually move forward. The Goddess, and my path, and everything that I've been fearing I have lost (thus deepening my psychological discomfort), are still with me, still there, and I need to trust in that in order to step forward and find my way back to the middle. It's so ridiculously obvious that to be honest I feel a little foolish, but that said, I also feel a deepening sense of returning calm. No, it's not that everything is just perfect again... I've not suddenly snapped back to where I was those years ago, but I feel more empowered to be able to be myself.

I left the meditation at that point, and began moving about my day. Yes, I did shower, embracing the cold outside of the warmth of the water as much as the warmth of the water itself. I drank tea, while I made a shopping list of the things I wanted to get - including two blankets, to make sure that I stop shivering at night... and food - fruit and vegetable, some tins of tuna, pasta, continuing my mostly vegetarian diet - though for no other reason that I don't really trust the meat out here... then walked to the mall, and back with my heavy shopping.

It was as I was walking that I realised that no, actually I had not left the meditation at all - shifted it to another level, yes. I was going about all of these daily tasks with 100% of myself engaged. Not doing one thing and thinking about another, but thinking about what I was doing. Thinking about the feel of the ground under my feet as I walked; feeling the weight of the groceries in my shoulder bag, and in the grocery bags in my hands; feeling the sun warming away the chill in my bones... and after a frigid week here that was a very welcome feeling... so offering a quiet prayer to the Sun for His touch.

When I got back I was hot, and I was tired, but it was a good feeling. I opened the bottle of water I had brought, and poured myself a glass - it was still icy cold from the refrigerator at the store, and I sat and savoured the refreshing chill, thanking the brothers and sisters of the Undine realms for their care.

It was the first time in forever since I've been this engaged. And I truly feel I have taken a step in the right direction today.

Blessed be.