Welcome To the Cedar Grove

 FRIDAY!!!! SPRING BREAK!!!

I think that says it all.

 Please excuse me, but as I write this I am exhausted after a day where I was so busy and busier than that, that I couldn't even tell you which was is up right now... but that's today, and I'm talking about Tuesday.

Hey, work was the same, busy as it's always turning out to be, kind of day. Actually it was one of those mornings where I woke up with a headache for the second day in a row and decided there and then that I was going to call out... which for me involves turning no the computer and logging into a website to arrange a substitute. So... turned on the computer, went to the website, logged in... stared at the website and brain goes - "stupid, you can't just call in because you're tired. Get your arse to work!" so I closed the website and went to work... for a very busy day that didn't /end/ until gone eight at night. I got home, made dinner and was in bed an hour or so after I got home - right around nowtime as a matter of fact, and exactly where I will be going once this post and one or two others in places are made.

 Yesterday was a mixed bag. Church shenanigans as usual... I may or may not have mentioned here that the Children's Minister that I technically work 'for' (Although it was the pastor that hired me before she ever came), does not instill in me any kind of feeling of 'spirituality' and I have a hard time with that, so I end up feeling... uncomfortable in many way. Once I got home I had wanted to sit and write for the rest of the day. Didn't work out that way at all... all housework and sorting and cleaning and cooking which, while I don't technically /mind/ that, I do mind being told, "it won't take long" and other less charitable things when I express my feelings on the matter. But it's in the past, and in the end though I didn't get as much done as I wanted to do, I still got something done, (and a lot of cleaning/sorting).

Then, in the evening, a total surprise, I had a friend request from someone I used to be friends with, but had lost touch (for various reasons), with whom I reconnected, and we talked a little bit, and it gave me a sense of of peace and be able to lay a bunch of stuff to rest.

 It was a really tough Thursday... no teacher at school, substitute little better than a warm body in the room - not unusual, but frustrating none the less, but even so, I left work feeling positive, feeling good about the way I handled the day... until evening.

 After a super busy day at work, all I wanted to do was come home and just chill, but that wasn't on the cards not at all. In the morning I had washed the vacuum cleaner filters and such so that I could vacuum the carpet - the cleaner hasn't been sucking all that well, and so I suspected the filters. After work then, I had to come home, reassemble the vacuum and vacuum the carpets. It worked! but it also meant that by the time that was done it was time to go and get the dog that's boarding with us for the weekend, stay with the cats for a hour, bring the dog back home, order pizza to be delivered at Mom's house so that we could then go and pick out her fish. Running, running, running.

So... it should be noted that no one was feeling particularly well so we were all a little bit pissy, though we did our best not to take that out on each other it invariably happens, and even though we understand, we're also argh! Then we get to Mom's and had to harass the pizza delivery company to actually /get/ our pizza... and they forgot the garlic dipping sauce... they always forget something if they're late.

We got the fish - which is beautiful btw, a delightful minty whitish green betta fish - and had to wait for the heater to warm the water... which took FOREVER, and meant we didn't get back home until almost 10:30pm... then we had the rattie playtime and Discovery to watch (always good, and this was no exception), but it meant bed was well after midnight, and of course the dogs won't care in the morning. They'll just want to be up and fed at 7am.

Sounds like I'm moaning a lot more than I actually am, it's just... a little bit frustrating. Especially this weekend, when I wanted to be well rested because of the clock change on Sunday.

 Wednesday was an OMG kind of day. Running from the moment of getting up in the morning until the moment of going to bed at night... I feel like I didn't get anything done, and yet at the same time know that I got a lot done, but not without the expense of feeling rushed the whole day.

When I actually sat down - properly sat down - it was in time to really watch an episode of The Orville. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would. This leaves me feeling as undecided as before about the entire thing. 

I'm not really feeling the whole 'Vietnam' thread of This is Us. It's not that it's bad, just... it's a part of the show that maybe could have been handled in a better way maybe? I just wonder how it's going to advance the whole story.

 Monday was a pretty ordinary day. Busy at work, rushing around to get things done between work and going out to work again (2nd Job), and then rushing home to get things done before bed. Mondays are one of two 'rush' days it seems.

Had a call from the computer store. They have repaired the computer! Hurray! it's still a three figure cost, or as I asked the person that called, "What's the damage, Sir." I thought that was a fairly British way to ask the question, so I was kind of impressed when he realized what I was asking and didn't stand there and tell me that my hard drive had failed, but they were able to clone it and fix any errors. I thought only after I'd asked the question that he might have done that.

Got home super late, and worried my guy, but instead of offering reassurances and all, I dashed off into the kitchen and started dinner instead. Not the right thing to have done, apparently, and I shall know for the next time, but... I think the Apple caramel cheese dip desert I made might have won over the situation in the end.

After dinner it was pretty much straight to bed

 Spent the day feeling like everything was 'dragging.'  I'm certain it was emotions, and grief... but it was tough keeping going through the day.  Easier - a little - once I left work.  I guess here is where I am reminded all the time of the loss, and witnessing everyone else's sadness as well.

May earth, goddess of all creation,
mother of all that is and will be,
may she give us a great land.

May earth, with her mountains and plains,
her slopes and her peaks, may she open
herself to our needs.

May earth, with her rivers and waters,
may she give us enough to drink.
May she pour herself upon us.

--Hindu hymn to goddess of earth, Atharva Veda

Today, too, clearly articulating needs is the first step toward having them met. yes the expression of such needs is often me with reproach.

My greatest needs are emotional ones - right now at least. The need to feel valued, the need to feel validated and the need to feel needed and loved.

For the most part, those needs are met in that my wonderful guy gives all of these to me, and more... even when I don't express them. But frustrations, both those that I suffer from, and those of others, sometimes even my guy, can from time to time lead me not to feel such things. Lately I've been strugging with feelings of worthlessness.

On reflection I think a lot of it is tiredness. The end of a long school year with so much still to do that I'm falling behind on everything else that I want to be doing. But the argument goes that: should it really be something that I want to be doing I'd just go and do it. I would make time... put aside other things in order to have that time for things I want to do. After all I have so many hours after school in which to read, to write, to type up the notes from my daily meditations which I have at least managed to continue with - and notes for which I have many days worth of writing. The fact of the matter is that I'm bringing so much work home, assessments to mark, class work to mark, lessons to plan. Allowing the fact that I don't go out anywhere after school - or rarely anyway - to completely scew my work/life balance. There is no balance. I'm not alone in this.

So... no, the workload from work has not eased at all, but I have decided that enough is enough. Where did this come from? Two people, both very dear to my heart. First, (though someone Indirectly), from my wonderful guy... and secondly from my still tenuous, but growing connection with My Lady. My own needs, combined with those of my guys led me to partition the Lady for help in getting off my overworked hands and putting those hands to work in catching up with the things I want to do.

The answer came in somewhat of a surprising form... in a dream... (that's not the surprising bit - quite common actually)... it was a dream in which I was in an office in school, arguing with the head teacher, and the owner of the school. They were arguing with me about loyalty, and I was standing up to them and telling them that no matter how hard I work for them my first loyalty is to my family - to my husband, and the life we have together, the things we do and share, and then second to the families of the school. That nothing that they could say would change that, because that was the way it was, and should be. It was a very unsettling dream, but also in a way very empowering.

The upshot of it all is that yes - if these things are important to me, which they are, then I will adjust the balance of work, and my own things to so that I don't keep constantly flailing, and failing to do the things I want to do, and have said I am going to do.

Perhaps then I will learn to validate and love myself again (I don't like myself very much right now), and feeling it from myself might help me to feel it period.