Only Now

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

A little fish story.
The instant fish accept that they will never have arms, they grow fins.

Yet the instant we can accept what is not in our nature, rather than being distracted by all we think we could or should be, then all our inner resources are free to transform us into the particular self we are aching to be.

The last couple of weeks have been ones which have been holding that truth up in front of my face. Faced with the things I could not do, and could not be, it's as if a part of me has woken up to that, and instead of fighting and screwing up the whole time, I've just…become what I am, warts and all, as we say over here.

Faced with the reality of the loss – however temporary – of a substantial amount of money I've done what I can, signed what forms I needed to and have just surrendered to the reality of the way things are for now. Yes, it's made a bunch of other difficulties but, those two, I have accepted with what grace I have remaining.

It's like the other day – Friday, when I was able to finally make the flight booking that the lost funds where to have paid for the week before, because it was closer to the time of flying and for some stupid reason, business-persons accept ridiculous price hikes for last minute bookings (and bear in mind the airlines consider 'last minute' to mean anything up to the month before), all the prices jumped. It wasn't until I threw up my hands and said, "I can't do this!" in tears of frustration, that my browser returned a flight I had been searching for – not exactly the one I had wanted, but… one that fit.

So yes – the lesson, stop pushing against what you can't do and accept what is has been hammering me over the head for a couple of weeks now. Do I feel better for the lesson – no not really; do I accept it for what is? How can I do otherwise?

First Line of Attack

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

In exchange for the promise of security, many people put a barrier between themselves and the adventures in consciousness that could put a whole new light on their personal lives.
--June Singer

Trungpa suggests that the willful act of looking away is a crime against the essence of things that costs us dearly.

Thursday was… a little bit of an uncomfortable day last week, for me. Here in the UK millions of public service workers went on strike, protesting the government treatment of pensions for these groups of people – teachers included.

Me, I worked. The teacher I was covering that day was not on strike, but out on business, therefore my booking was still valid. Does this mean I don't think what the government is doing is wrong? No. Does this mean that I don't support my fellow teachers? No again. Does it mean that I was wilfully 'looking away' from the issue because, in all truthfulness, I needed to work; needed the money? While the second half of the statement is true, the first half is another case of no.

But knowing those things didn't make me feel any easier, when travelling to work on the bus and hearing a parent complaining to her daughter, whom she was hauling around with her, that they both had to put up with the day the way it was because the teachers were on strike.

*sigh*

Unto Thine Own Self...

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Courage is the heart's blossom.

All courage is a threshold crossing.

I have thought about this a lot recently… stupidly in connection with work. Working as a supply (or substitute) teacher is an act of courage in and of itself, every single day. When you have a regular job, your own class you know what to expect, you know what the school is like, what all the expectations are, how others will treat you, and so on… as a substitute, there is the potential for being in a new situation ten times in every week – that's twice in every day – because in theory, you could be expected to cover one class in one school in the morning, and a different class at the same or a different school in the afternoon. It's like starting a new job every morning and afternoon of your life.

For the most part, it's a challenge that I relish, and I enjoy the variety – but I also enjoy days like today (Friday), when I know that I'm going to be at a school that I visit quite regularly, with a class I know, and know well… because you can get awfully tired being courageous every day of the week… but then again…

Isn't every breath we take an act of courage – the act of living true to oneself in every moment of every day, when it's all too easy to buckle to the pressure of others' expectations of how they believe one should behave? This is, I think, the point that most other miss… Be true – harm none – do as you will… That is the essence of Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.

A Kind of Shield

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The mind composed of ignorance or wrong
view suffers from spiritual disease; it sees falsely. Seeing falsely causes it to think falsely, speak falsely, and act falsely. You will see immediately that everyone, without exception, has the spiritual disease.
--Ajahn Buddhadasa

What is it you need that you think their [the approval of others that we seek] approval will provide?

The answer to that is both easy and difficult at the same time. Validation.

It speaks back to the courage to be myself. If I have the approval of others for the things I do and say when I am 'being myself' then surely the things I do and the things I say are valid, and make me, as an individual valid as well… but why should that be true?

If I know in my heart that each person is a valid individual, a sacred part of life and as honoured and 'divine' as the next person, or as I, then what difference does it make whether or not those outside of myself approve, so long as I, myself, approve?

If not validation then what? Understanding?

Does someone else's approval of me and my words and actions indicate to me that they understand me, and our relationship is therefore facilitated with greater ease – our communication more effective? I don't think that's quite the whole of it either. I can be understood without being approved of, just as I can understand the actions and motivations of others without approval… but then again – by what right do I judge others or they judge me? It's a conundrum.

In the end, I believe the honest answer to that question is that the approval of others helps to keep my needy beast at bay… because if someone approves (either of me, my words, or my actions), surely it indicates, more than anything else, that I am in some way valuable – in some way needed. I am a very needy person. It is my human frailty.

Faith and Humanity

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The shore thirsts, but does not own the ocean that keeps it soft. So, too, the heart and all it loves.

Now there is the need to wall in and maintain. Now there is an endless sorting through the things of the world that could be mine. Now the attaining. Now the insuring. Now there is possessiveness and jealousy and envy, and the need to protect, and the right to bear arms. Now there is the secret want to get what others have, and the right to sue. This I-ing and My-ing can sicken the strongest soul.

This is the disease that sickens the world, and all human souls – that prevents us from accepting each other just as we are… prevents us from being a true community, even on a local level, let alone a global one. It is a great sadness.

We fight with each other and live with avarice and greed, instead of sharing and helping one another as is right. We believe in the superiority of our way, what we believe… and there is no room to consider the feelings, thoughts, beliefs or the heart of others. It is a weakness, not a strength as many believe.

This creates a line, a gulf between those that have, and those that have not… a wide trench of poverty of heart and soul, not physical but so deep that it separates us almost irrevocably from the sense of the divine that somewhere manages to cling to life within us as a race of beings. It is a source of great shame.

We justify our behaviour with pretentions of morality, of religious or spiritual truth, and economic necessity, caring little for what it speak to of our capacity to love… to actually achieve a moral, spiritual or economic condition.

It is a despair we will carry to our graves… because there are not sufficient individuals prepared to simply open themselves and thirst in the manner of the shore for the ocean, or the heart for all it loves.

Where I Want To Be

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Here is always beneath There.

It is the same with love and dreams and work of our lives. We see the light everywhere but where we are, and chase after what we think we lack, only to find, humbly, it was with us all along.

I was thinking about something that was posted, (lovingly and jokingly), on Facebook the other week, when my guy called me a copy cat. *grins* It's true, I am, and I do tend to copy Mir's ideas a lot… *shrug* and that's perfectly fine as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't both me to be that way unless it bothers Mir, in which case I'd stop, I guess, and my life would be the poorer for it. But I got curious, and wondered why it is.

Beyond the obvious, which sounds like flattery, but honestly it isn't – that Mir just has some really awesome ideas, I think it's a sense of sharing. Couples share things, share activities and interests, and that's a part of it. I think the major part of it that encompasses and extends on both of those things is that Mir is such an inspiration to me. She always has been, and always will be, and I wouldn't change that for the whole wide world.

We'll be together in less than two weeks now, and can actually physically share our days, our activities, the books we want to read together, and you know – it can't come fast enough for me. Ten days and counting.

Convocation - Act 2

Title: Convocation
Rating: NC-17 (adult readers) due to S.L.V
Spoilers: Some spoilers for S1-4
Summary: Wraith Hives gather in a system under the protection of Atlantis and when Ronon returns with refugees, the team has no choice but to investigate. Meanwhile, Beckett returns from Michael with a treatment that could save Keller and discovers the disturbing truth behind her condition - a truth that Michael had diagnosed, and Haddad, still facing issues of her own, had guessed. When matters come to a head, who will be left standing?
Disclaimer: MGM own Stargate: Atlantis. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no revenue is being made from copyright material. No infrigement intended.

Act 1 & 2 now available.

Author's Note: Look guys, the rating says it all, but I'll spell it out. This contains explicit scenes. Many thanks gospikey for hard work in Beta.

Previous Episodes:
Harm's Way (1), Chain of Command (2), Enmity, (3), Mantle, (4), In Truth... Freedom, (5), Letting Go, (6), Beyond the Third, (7), Deliverance, (8), No Way Back, (9) Apostasy, (10) Crossing Lines, (11) and Revelation (12) can be accessed here.