cedar_grove: (Storm)
I have spent several weeks in contemplation of when, for me, the new year should begin, or perhaps has already begun. I tell myself this, and not that it is procrastination against the beginning of an undertaking, or perhaps the opposite, a wish for a precipitous beginning of said undertaking. The fact remains, I have questioned, and still question when a new year begins for an individual. When does it begin for me?

As a Wiccan, should my new year have begun in November, as Samhain passed us into the gathering season of winter, or did my new year begin almost a month later with the start of a journey that has led me to the threshold upon which I now stand – or may even have unknowingly passed beyond already? Did my personal new year begin as a new year of my life began with my birthday on December 11th or with the new solar year, and returning light at Yule? Or should I simply do as most folk seem to do and say my new undertaking will begin with the new calendar year as 2016 gives way to 2017?

There are so many conventions that we follow, cultural and religious, and some that fall into both categories. The notion of the ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ have never appealed to me, and not just because many (if not most of the people I personally know) give up on those resolutions soon after making them – myself included in the past. Perhaps that’s why, through this soul searching, I have shied away from that option, and why I questioned in the first place.

Through my introspection, not just of recent days, but of many months, perhaps even years – and extrospection (though Google tells me that even though technically this is the anonym of introspection, it is rarely used), I have discovered a thing or two. This is the point at which I feel I must type the disclaimer that, if you think this part of my journal entry is about you, well… that’s your prerogative, I suppose, but this is my journal, and these are my observations. However, as the saying goes, if the cap fits… or the shoe fits, then… be Cinderella if you must.

There are too many people out there who can’t, or perhaps worse, refuse to see past the end of their own garden path. Such people trap themselves in their own misery, and as prisoners lash out at those around them, transferring their misery and negativity to people who are merely trying to help them realize their own state of being. I’ve been an enabler of such behaviors for the sake of a quiet life, because the gods know that when I’ve tried to do otherwise, all holy hell has broken loose.

Loyalty, like charity, must begin at home. Blind loyalty to other people or beliefs or any other thing that one can be loyal to is often self-destructive. Loyalty to someone or something that reinforces or promotes self-deprecation or a negative self-image, no matter who or what that someone or something is; what part that person or something else plays in your life, is an act of cowardice, not loyalty, and ultimately damaging for you and for others in your life.  As with love, if you cannot love yourself, you cannot properly love others – if you cannot be loyal to yourself, then your loyalty to others is misguided at best.

Ignoring the wise words of good friends and loved ones is just plain stupid and can only lead to trouble and pain. You might think your reasons for arguing the point (inwardly or outwardly) are good and valid reasons, but experience and hindsight will always come around like a two-headed dog to bite you on the ass. When that happens, you know the people that had your best interests at heart when they spoke the advice because, while they might remind you of what they said, they’ll never say, “I told you so,” and will just be there in quiet support while you find your feet after being knocked on your smarting backside.

There’s great sadness in the realization that sometimes, people will – by their own thoughts and actions – disqualify themselves from certain parts they have played in your life, and you can fight and flail all you like to keep them there because you want them there, but if that want isn’t truly and unconditionally matched, there’s little you can do but create a negative and toxic situation for the both of you that is ultimately damaging. Conversely, people can sometimes surprise you. When you least expect it, with a single word, or a short message, people you might have once been close to, that you didn’t even realize you missed, can give you a boost when you’re at your lowest ebb, and remind you that they’re still there.

In all of the above, I’m drawn to, and feel the need to also share a story that was given to me as a ‘lesson’ by one of those wise friends many, many years ago - a wonderful man by the name of Alawn Tickhill - who told me the Story of the Sparrow – and you can find it here.

So… anyway, the conclusion I came to, is that really and ultimately, when and why I start the undertaking is entirely up to me. Also, it’s no big secret what the undertaking is.  It’s just that I’ve been wanting to do more journal writing for a very long time now, and I thought, well, with a new year, it might be time to start this journaling journey.  I’d like to say I’ll write every day. Even though that might be my intent, I know that sometimes life is going to get in the way. I also know that’s perfectly fine.

What I write, how often I write, and why I write – well, those things are my prerogative and my responsibility too.
cedar_grove: (Eirian in silver 2)
From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The best thing for being sad, replied Merlin, is to learn something.
--T.H. White

When feeling the sharpness of being sad or hurt, it helps to take new things in. This pours the water of life on the fire of the heart.

This might be good advice, but it's a very hard thing to do, because when I'm sad, the last thing I feel like doing is starting something new. I'm a wallower, I'll confess. I know this isn't a good thing, but I can't help it. When my heart hurts, my impetus to do anything just goes out of the window until the sadness passes.

I try not to let sadness get to me, but that too is hard when I am away from the person I love, and missing her deeply; when I am away from the babies, and unable to help care for them, and look after them when they're sick… like some of them are now. When I leave, knowing it's unlikely I'll see them again, it's a wrench, and I end up waiting for the message or the call that will tell me they're gone.

It all makes embracing the new… that much harder.

I am excited though, about the projects that Mir and I are starting together – and still excited for this one as well. I've been digging around in my planning file for activities and things… kind of nervous too, but not it a bad way – I've seen Mir teach, (and btw, in case you wondered, she's brilliant) – and now it's her turn to see me too, first hand. I just hope I'm good enough for her.
cedar_grove: (Eirian in silver 3)
From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

What is not ex-pressed is de-pressed.

It seems our authenticity is tied to what is de-pressed and what is ex-pressed. Just as flowers need healthy root systems in order to blossom, feelings can only express their beauty when they are rooted cleanly within us, breaking ground in some manner, sprouting outside us. It is that delicate paradoxical inch of ground between surface and deep, between flower and root, between what is allowed out and what is allowed in, that continually determines whether we are living our lives or not.

I try... I do.

Anyone following the entries in this journal will know the reason why I have been finding expressing feelings such a struggle - a daily struggle that I am working on. constant instances of 're'-pression. (How's that for continuing a theme?) Now what I find is that battling reluctance and leaning on trust makes the expression come out all muddled, and I end up frustrated, and that doesn't help either.

It should be so easy right? 'I feel x because...' easy enough to type; should be easy to say, but what am I looking for in a response. Rationalisation? Understanding? Acceptance? Compassion? I don't know. Sometimes I think all of these things, sometimes I think none of them at all... and sometimes, when I'm at my very low, low, lowest ebb, it really does become a case - a very childish and selfish case - of, 'See what you did? I'm feeling like this because you...' and that doesn't make me feel very proud of or accepting of my own efforts to express myself at all. I try to make sure such episodes are few and far between.

But maybe even that is some kind of cry for help?


cedar_grove: (Default)

May 2017

7 8910111213


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

  • Style: Fanya for Ciel by nornoriel

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 12:50 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios