To Speak... Or Not To Speak

[cedar_grove]

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

There will never be an “us”
If I play small.
-Sharon Preiss

...fearful of what might happen if I actually voice my concerns and needs...

It's a constant battle back and forth with myself, to speak or not to speak. On the whole, I'm getting better, but it still doesn't come as naturally as it should. Like last night, I had to be hurt and frustrated in order to actually voice what I was feeling, and it came out all wrong, making me sound (and feel) like a harridan.

When I'm here though, sometimes things go to the other extreme... it's 'whatever I want to do' and that's not any healthier than never saying what I want or need. Sometimes I just want to be surprised, or for whatever happens to be spontaneous, not planned out, and not always down to me.

Granted, a lot of the time what we want actually coincides with each other - we tend to both want the same thing, so does it matter who actually voices what we want and need?

When it comes down to voicing concerns, worries, etc, I'm terrible. It's not that I don't want to talk about how I feel, what worries me, what scares me or whatever, just... comes down to it and the fear takes over and I shut down and don't speak. I know I do it and it frustrates me to no end... and yet, I can't do anything about it - not comfortably at least. I know I should, and I want to... the only one stopping me is myself.

I get all that.

So what do I do... Open up and speak. Sounds simple right?

I'm not scared of anyone elses reactions to what I might think and need and feel - at least not those people that are the ones I love and who I know love me, I think my problem is in accepting myself for my needs, for my weaknesses, accepting that I have them at all, and that's just plain stupid, if you ask me.

But then again, calling myself stupid isn't going to help either is it? I need to just speak.

Comments

Well...

[idic-writer.livejournal.com]

When I'm here though, sometimes things go to the other extreme... it's 'whatever I want to do' and that's not any healthier than never saying what I want or need. Sometimes I just want to be surprised, or for whatever happens to be spontaneous, not planned out, and not always down to me.

Granted, a lot of the time what we want actually coincides with each other - we tend to both want the same thing, so does it matter who actually voices what we want and need?

No, it probably doesn't matter. My hubby is much less likely to verbally express what he wants than I am. Over time, we've just come to accept this. When I get tired of making all the decisions, I remind him he needs to make some as well. That's all.

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

The problem with all this is that it came to be this way because you /wouldn't/ say what it was you wanted.. and I was hurting your feelings by always making the suggestions. I insist that you make the choices not because I can't, but because I'm afraid of hurting your feelings again and again.

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

I understand that you don't want to hurt my feelings, I just don't want to have yours hurt too by constantly just doing what I want to do.