cedar_grove | I Want To Believe...

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

If you can’t cross over alive,
How can you cross when you’re dead?
-Kabir

-Center yourself and meditate on a chasm of your own making. It might be a trench of stubbornness or pride that no one can cross, or the echo of your own pain that isolates you, or the vastness that builds when you are afraid to tell someone the truth of your heart, or the absence of belief that you deserve what waits on the other side.
-Lean into your chasm gently until the fear subsides.

(From April 17th)

By the time Sunday came around I was getting pretty neurotic. It was stupid really. My mind was latching onto all the things that could get in the way of a successful trip - I know it was all that I was driven by fear - by the scars that had been left from Thursday - but rationalising it didn't help.

First of all there was the scrapyard fire that closed the M1 motoray from junction 1 to junction 4... I obsessed about it, watching the travel report; refreshing it every hour or so, even though I knew - and had remarked to several people that asked - that the coach actually leaves the M1 well before that junction to head onto the M25.

Secondly, while looking at the news report of the closure, I spotted another traffic update that had another slowdown on the M1 this one caused by a coach that had broken down. Of course, that immediately started me off worrying, what if my coach broke down again?

What if my alarm didn't wake me up in time? What if the cab didn't come to pick me up and take me to the bus station in the morning? What if the coach was late? what if, what if what if...

In the end some part of me stepped in and said ENOUGH! It would be all right. I would get there and I had to stop obsessing. I closed down the browser, set my alarm and went to bed, only around a half hour later than I had intended. I had to be up early the next morning, so I needed the sleep.

In the end I got about 4 hours.