I need to LISTEN!

Wisdom is calling us, Sophia is calling.
Raising her voice, she stands by the city gates,
at the crossroads, on the mountaintop.
At every entrance she is standing, shouting
to us: "O people," she calls, "learn from me!
Listen to me, for I speak nothing but truth.
Know my ways, for they are richer than silver.
Know my secrets, and you do not need gold.
Listen to me, my words are more precious than rubies.
My words are riper than figs, sweeter than dates,
more nourishing than apples and olives.
Kings and princes and careful judges know me,
and so do those who simply love knowledge.
Follow me on the path of truth.
Follow me to the way of justice."

--Proverbs 7-9

She must raise her voice to be heard over the din of commerce and competing interests. Yet, if we pay attention, she is there. She is still there, calling for us to listen and follow her to justice and to truth.

Wisdom tells me I need to slow down... not rush through what I'm trying to say and end up not making it clear what I mean. consider that the person I'm talking to is not inside my head and doesn't really know what I'm talking about or thinking about when I say the words that come out of my mouth. I know that I rush sometimes, and make assumptions. I can see and hear it happen as it's happening and still I do nothing to correct it. Does that make me stupid or lazy? Uncaring and self centred... What does it make me? When I don't take the time, when I don't stop making assumtions and it hurts those I care about; hurts the one that gives my life meaning and purpose, and I"m still foolish and thoughtless enough to allow it to continue how can I do anything other than detest what I'm doing and what I have become? Goddess, through these thoughts and words; as we work through these day, grant me the ability to change, to grow, to share, to speak, to listen and to show as I love.

Can I not even listen to myself?

Healing Energies For Zelenka

I am the womb
of every hope
I am the fire
of every season
I am the queen
of every hive
I am the tomb
of every life

I am a drop
of morning dew
I am a star
in the evening sky
I am the light
by which you read
I am a word
in this very book

--Welsh bardic incantations

By looking. Looking everywhere, looking at each moment. She has never left us; we have never left her. She is here in this precious moment as surely as she has ever been.

At the moment I feel lost. I've just been sitting here for ten or fifteen minutes, thinking back over the day, over the moments where I could have believed that spark of divinity - that spark of what makes me who I was, (who I am, still, somewhere inside), where was it evident...? When did I show it? And I so stuck inside myself that I can't see outside to that single, simple truth that would bring me back to where I need to be to find the path to find myself again?

I know right now I'm sitting in the middle of a downward spiral of feeling sorry for myself, and that I need to give myself a kick up the pants and stop that. It's not helping. But I'm human, I recognise that. However, I need to find that strength again - I thought I'd begun to make my way once more. Evidently not enough - so I will keep trying, working with the Goddess in these meditations. Improve all those things I need to. I will give my true self to the world again.

Today has been hard. Caught between the knowledge of letting down the most important person in my life - and not being able to help, but from a distance and that not being good enough has done little for my self esteem - which god knows as insecure and needy as I appreciate that I am, isn't helpful.

Our little Zelenka is sick and hurting, the infection on his face got to be so big that now the vet has cleaned it out, the wound is very deep - he practically has no face on the one side, and a flap of dead skin he keeps disturbing when he washes. I've been trying to send him distance healing. Have turned a tube I have into a 'representation' that I can hold in my hands and send little burst of healing energy... little and often... send my thoughts and prayers out into the universe so that he can get well again... Her presence in that, perhaps. I will continue to do this... little burst every hour or so every day as often as I can. I want him to get well.