Do I Not Bleed?

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

No one lands where they aim.
Not even God.

We are so quick to condemn this or exile that, to ostracize the breaker of promises, when the truth is that nothing in nature arrives as imagined. In fact, because the space between what we intend and what we do is often great, we keep beginning.

It is a sad state of affairs when someone's peace of mind, someone's efforts and honest actions in respect of their intentions and promises go unheeded because, as outsiders, we /are/ so quick to condemn our fellow person.

After coming home today, I sat down with all the job listings that I could find, both online and off, and applied for many, many jobs… positions in areas I would not normal have considered, where I know the work is going to be hard because of the nature of the families whose children go to those schools; positions that I know are not going to necessarily make me feel happy and fulfilled, but they are positions all the same – available jobs that I can apply for, so I did.

I also sent my resume to many schools on the e-teach website who had no positions currently but wanted staff to keep on file for future references – and there were many of those… recruitment moving in different ways these days it seems.

I should feel accomplished, working so hard to do what I have set out to do and find work for the rest of the academic year, but – much as I know I've worked my ass off today, and every day for the last week or so to get my details out there and my name being heard in recruitment circles, I still don't feel I have done well enough. I still do not feel good enough, why?

…because other people have implied and also said so.

Autumn Rain

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

What is so important that we have time to read all the books on love and relationships but we do not have time to listen to the heart of our lover?
--Molly Vass

-During your day, take five minutes and stop making, stop doing, stop thinking... and just listen...

This is something I have started doing again, every day… and I've found that it's easier to do just one waking… after silencing the alarm, to just lie still and listen.

This morning I heard the rain.

I did not hear it by virtue of the drops hitting the window pane, or splashing against the ground, but by the quiet in the world outside my window. In the rain all seems hushed… muted… expectant somehow. The birds are not singing to welcome in the dawning day, (because it's still dark when I wake up), but resting with their heads beneath their wings on the branches of denuding trees… waiting to fly down and find the food that the soaking waters bring to the surface of the grass. What few people are up and about, the delivery boys bringing the morning papers, the milk men, and early postal carriers move with quiet steps – and even the tyres of the cars along the road swish rather than rumble past. All the world feels hushed.

It was a gentle rain, a quiet, life giving rain – so early in the day – bringing the kiss and promise of the new, and washing away the old; a love I could carry in my heart through the whole day.

Dancing Together

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Earth Mother, you who are called
by a thousand names. May all remember
we are cells in your body
and dance together.
--Starhawk

We race and pause and stop and start, never sure if the road we are turning on to will be congested or barren and free.


I must first confess to being surprised at the use of a quote by Starhawk. I love some of her work, some of her books on the Craefte and Paganism are second to none. The only thing is that some of her later works are so overly political that I feel – me personally – that she's lost a lot of the depth and spirituality that I felt more present in works like The Spiral Dance. I do appreciate her zeal and activism, and working for what she believes in, but… I like the earlier works because, though no less strong, they feel gentler somehow.

Today I was working at a school I've never been to before. It's always a bit nerve wracking, walking into new places, because you're never sure what kind of reception you're going to get, whether the rest of the staff will be kind and helpful, chatty and welcoming, or frosty, reserved and aloof… whether you'll be accepted into their little world or shunned and tolerated. As a supply teacher, honestly, you get both ends of the spectrum and all the shades between.

Today was one of the good days, the staff were wonderful, warm and welcoming, truly embracing all of us (and there were at least 4 of us there from the same agency), and it was a good experience – and affirming one. I spent the afternoon making fireworks out of paper tubes and shiny paper with crepe paper fire – it being Diwali of course, lots of schools in Leicester are engaging in many craft activities in recognition of the festival… and they'll carry that on into next week, when we celebrate Guy Fawkes Day – with more fireworks. It's all very vibrant and colourful. We ended the day with an assembly – the birthday assembly… and the school honestly had a real sense of community; of life and togetherness. It was a refreshing change.