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Confession - Conflict
Oct. 28th, 2011 09:30 pmFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
-Center yourself, and with your inbreath, let the Buddha in you say, "I have stopped."
-Breathe deeply, and with your outbreath, let the Angulimala in you say, "I have not stopped."
-Inhale slowly, and even if you're not sure how, enter your day with a commitment to stop running from the truth of your life.
This seems like a good thing to be doing every morning, but particularly pointed today, when I feel so utterly defeated.
No… don't sympathise or feel sorry for me, that's not the point in this. If I'm going to be honest, and open – and I am, no more running, no more well meaning omissions, nothing… just an open heart and soul (which won't always be pretty, and will come with it's own pains and pressures to deal with) – then I need to be able to express what I'm thinking and feeling without worrying that people are going to think I'm saying something to get sympathy, to make people side with me, or anything else. What I say here, simply is
Yesterday I hurt Mir, and the week before, the same kind of pain in a different way – neither instance intentional, but I still did… and I feel the worst kind of person, because I did. It hurts me to know that I did. To know that she hurts also because she does not believe I am ever happy is, in many ways worse – because it couldn't be further from the truth.
I frustrate myself to no end. I tie myself up in knots. I have said any number of times that 'from this point onward' I will be honest, open, truthful… I will show when I'm happy, show when I'm sad… that I will just be me… and then the very next time I hit that wall or trigger, I run from the truth of me.
I've said before that I try and avoid conflict – when I stop running I must confess that actually, I fear it, and I fear anger… which is like conflict. I have a delicate balance that is upset by conflict and anger and so… I avoid. So if I get hurt I internalise it, I'm private about it, and if something goes wrong, I will blame myself before I blame others, even when not my fault. This hasn't been good for me, and it certainly hasn't been good for Mir, because it makes her feel unwanted, unloved… not good enough as a husband (like she's not being supportive)… and those things… cause conflict.
If I've realised and learned nothing from things in this last week, and from last night it's that this can't go on like this. I can't keep letting her hurt from my lack, and I can't keep hurting her with my fears… my baggage… because I simply love her too much.
When we had our anniversary pictures taken, there was one point at which I turned to her and said that I marry her every day of my life because she is the one that makes my heart happy. With her as my husband, I am made whole and after a terrible night and day of feeling an absence… feeling broken… I need my husband.
I have stopped. You have not.
--Buddha
-Center yourself, and with your inbreath, let the Buddha in you say, "I have stopped."
-Breathe deeply, and with your outbreath, let the Angulimala in you say, "I have not stopped."
-Inhale slowly, and even if you're not sure how, enter your day with a commitment to stop running from the truth of your life.
This seems like a good thing to be doing every morning, but particularly pointed today, when I feel so utterly defeated.
No… don't sympathise or feel sorry for me, that's not the point in this. If I'm going to be honest, and open – and I am, no more running, no more well meaning omissions, nothing… just an open heart and soul (which won't always be pretty, and will come with it's own pains and pressures to deal with) – then I need to be able to express what I'm thinking and feeling without worrying that people are going to think I'm saying something to get sympathy, to make people side with me, or anything else. What I say here, simply is
Yesterday I hurt Mir, and the week before, the same kind of pain in a different way – neither instance intentional, but I still did… and I feel the worst kind of person, because I did. It hurts me to know that I did. To know that she hurts also because she does not believe I am ever happy is, in many ways worse – because it couldn't be further from the truth.
I frustrate myself to no end. I tie myself up in knots. I have said any number of times that 'from this point onward' I will be honest, open, truthful… I will show when I'm happy, show when I'm sad… that I will just be me… and then the very next time I hit that wall or trigger, I run from the truth of me.
I've said before that I try and avoid conflict – when I stop running I must confess that actually, I fear it, and I fear anger… which is like conflict. I have a delicate balance that is upset by conflict and anger and so… I avoid. So if I get hurt I internalise it, I'm private about it, and if something goes wrong, I will blame myself before I blame others, even when not my fault. This hasn't been good for me, and it certainly hasn't been good for Mir, because it makes her feel unwanted, unloved… not good enough as a husband (like she's not being supportive)… and those things… cause conflict.
If I've realised and learned nothing from things in this last week, and from last night it's that this can't go on like this. I can't keep letting her hurt from my lack, and I can't keep hurting her with my fears… my baggage… because I simply love her too much.
When we had our anniversary pictures taken, there was one point at which I turned to her and said that I marry her every day of my life because she is the one that makes my heart happy. With her as my husband, I am made whole and after a terrible night and day of feeling an absence… feeling broken… I need my husband.
