Everything - Nothing

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two
my life flows.
--Nisargadatta Maharaj

We all live somewhere between nothing and everything, and to reenact, along the way, the smallest gesture of valuing your life is to carry out God's work. Only by affirming our person can the human stalk of spirit break ground and grow into something free.

No… I might do the three after all. This post is all about affirming, not only who you are, but how you show who you are, by what you give and bring to others. It's probably a very pointed realisation then to know that today (and no, not limited to today, just that I'm writing ), that I have been frustrating and confusing to people… and especially to Mir. I can tell in the way she talks (types) to me. It's like when she says she can tell I'm upset or bothered by something by the way I walk in the house. And yes, I have sworn up and down that it's not true, that I don't walk any differently from one moment to the other… but we read each other don't we? So maybe Mir is right. She knows me – and loves me, better than I allow myself to know, and love myself.

Knowing that I'm not at all giving her the feelings of love and support she needs, and that I'm just annoying her, hurts. It's not a reflection of who I am, and it's certainly not a reflection of the way I feel. I love her more than those three words actually manage to get it across. I know as a person, I'm not defined by my relationships, but knowing that I'm failing in this way does make me feel like nothing…

Am I too demanding of others time to validate myself, when really I need to accept the nothing with the everything and flow between the two in life as the Maharaj suggests?

A Foot and a Firm Hand

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Look at every path closely and deliberately.
Try it as many times as you think necessary.
Then ask yourself, and yourself alone...
Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it's of no use.
--Carlos Castaneda

It takes six million grains of pollen to seed one peony…


Up the morning at 6:45, ready and raring to go… of course that might have had more to do with the cold shower than actually being awake and eager to face the day. LOL Yes, the possessed shower has finally been exorcised, and there in no life left in the old thing – not even the demonic kind that likes to alternately freeze and scald both me and Mum. Mum finally had enough today, so it was down to Sainsbury's Homebase where she bought a new shower unit. Surprisingly, it is already fitted and working. I think it would have been more than Dad's life was worth to not get it installed right away, with two women nagging at him. Sometimes it takes a lot of nagging to get Dad to do anything.

Still, at 7:30, still waiting on the phone call, which didn't happen… so I took the opportunity to go the bank with the check from the scrap value of my former car, check the local library notice board in case there were any interesting notices there… and doing this I discovered two things: first that I had to renew my library membership. It's been so long since I used the library that my card didn't work… so I did that. Not that I necessarily need library books – god knows (see earlier post), I have plenty enough to read already, but… other things like free computer access at any Leicestershire Libraries, (never know when I'm going to far away from home and need to check something)… stuff like that… I also discovered that the Oadby Library has way more Star Trek books than I ever imagined it would. I'm impressed.

I then came back, and phoned back to the agency again. Now… I don't know whether this was by luck or design, but my consultant was on her lunch break, and I actually ended up speaking to the branch manager… impressing upon him how eager I was to do some work for them asap. Good phone call… I reminded him I'd spoken to Oliver the previous week, letting him know that I was all up in their stuff. Mind you, Steve is a nice guy. Anyway, not an hour or so later, my consultant phoned back with an assignment for tomorrow – Coincidence? It's also a place I can walk to – so that's one more good thing.

I'm throwing lots of pollen at the universe right now in the hope that some of it, somewhere will stick – that what I need is out there somewhere… but before I can begin to move forward, I must stop standing still.

Blowing At the Cobwebs

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

I did not survive
to be untouched.

But sooner or later, we all arrive at moments where the very thing that has saved us is killing us, keeping us from truly living.

It's windy here today… no, I really do mean windy… well, okay not hurricane strength or anything but I mean real good, bend the trees, blow the trash awaiting pickup by the refuse collectors down the street kind of windy… and I revelled in it, and in doing so realised how much I am missing the connection I used to have with nature, and particularly the weather, since I stopped observing the seasons, walking the wheel – practising my way of life. It was literally a moment of Gods, I miss this, as I was walking down the street in the morning with my hair blowing all over the place, just feeling the life in it – the life in the world.

I like rain too… of course it's harder to be out in the rain, because sooner or later you're going to end up soaked and cold and probably miserable – but I don’t even mind that if I know I can soon go back inside, strip off the wet things, and wrap up in a warm, fuzzy bathrobe… the one Mir gave me for Christmas the other year would be perfect for that.

Favourite of all though, I think, is thunder. I adore a good storm. It's loud, it's passionate, and it's primal… maybe it has to do with me being a fire sign, though I never took much notice of all that astrology stuff to be honest, but… a thunder storm is just a wonderful thing to behold.

I miss it all. I used to feel so connected to it, and then, because of all the things that went on around the dissolution of the working group I was part of, and partly because of having such 'trouble' reconciling the 'Fluffy Bunny White Witches' that I was running into over and over again, I stopped working, mostly shut down… didn't forget, it's like riding a bike, you never forget, but I lapsed, until recently, where the door has been cracked open again, by my wonderful guy… and feeling the air through the cracks, I miss it and find myself wanting more… and wanting to share.

I Don't Bite - That's Maybe the Problem.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt – marvelous error! –
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
--Antonio Machado

…but it gives me comfort that our failures – our unexpected stumbling – are the very human paste from which we are made sweet.

They are if we'd learn from them I guess… which would be nice. When we don't we're made anything but sweet. I like to think that I'm an understanding and a patient person, and not just because I've always gone out of my way to avoid conflict, but because that's the way I want to be – when I look at others, that is what I'd like them to see, to know is a part of me.

For the most part, most days, I think I manage pretty well – and I manage to do so without any expectation of praise or even open recognition, but every now and again, a nod… or a wink… or something might be preferable to being treated like I haven't said anything, haven't done anything or like I'm a piece of crap on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I've been told I'm a master at 'turning the other cheek' by some, by others that I don't stick up for myself enough – Mir is the most vocal in this respect, and I think I would do so more if it didn't feel to me like, in sticking up for myself, that I was 'attacking' others. I think that's my failure – want to learn how to patiently stick up for myself… keep the sweetness.

Nothing serious that kindled this line of thought, just one too many people snapping at me one too many times about one too many things… and me being too damn sensitive.