Observations Made While Preparing for Vegas Last Month

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

When the path is blocked,
back up and see more of the way.

We tend to call these unexpected things in life "obstacles."

There have been many obstacles in my progress of late – some self inflicted, and some brought to me by others. I have been trying very hard not to be frustrated by either. I think the biggest 'obstacle' right now, to my happiness, it the notion that I'm just not damn good enough.

If I were good enough, I would have finished a good portion of either of the projects I'm working on right now. I'm still stalled on the second chapter of Use'ara, and I'm still whirling through assorted ideas for Life After. I haven't actually written anything of either. Nor has act 3 of Convocation seen any progress – well no, that's not true. I did write the first little section on paper in my notebook.

Around the house it feels like the more I do, the less is actually effective. Comes back to something that I spoke of some time back – the 'you didn't do' inner and outer comments by far outweighing the 'look at all the things you did.' To give notice where it is due, just lately Mir has been helping with that, whether she knows she has or not – in appreciating all that I did to get ready for our trip to Vegas, but I'm still not secure enough in my own self appreciation, and any negative comment sends my right back down into my hole, like those whack-a-mole things. I don't know how to get round that, since it's an 'obstacle' I put in the way myself.

However, I'm working on all my silly little hang ups, pushing away anything that I recognize might be a product of frustration or disappointment, and taking steps toward being sufficiently 'good enough' for my own liking… then perhaps I'll be good enough for others too.

Stepping back to look at the big picture, it feels like a really huge mountain right now.

Conventions and Masks (From Vegas)

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The eye is the lamp of the body.
If your eye is sound, your whole body
Will be full of light.
--Jesus

The mask worn after the face has grown becomes a wall that rubs and cuts.

Here in Vegas, at the convention surrounded by people who are fans, and people who are actors, the question becomes a sharp one in my mind. How many of us, as fans, (and I include myself in this at the present time), wear a different face at places and events like these, and how many of us remain genuine.

I remember my very first convention – no not a Star Trek convention, not even recently, but a long time ago, when the idea of conventions was still young and not old and somewhat tired as it seems to be now. The convention was for an old TV show (which I still think has merit today), called Robin of Sherwood. It was a relatively small event as far as conventions these days go; just a couple of rooms in the hotel, and two or three actors from the show. They involved meet and greet sessions around a table in the evening before the first full day, a Q&A on the first full day of the convention, a few workshops of various things related to the show, and then an evening dinner (again with the actors present and scattered around the tables) with entertainment such as costume parades, dances, etc. – not so different, I suppose, to the evolution that has happened with 'modern' conventions. At that first convention, I was lucky enough to meet with Michael Praed, Mark Ryan, Clive Mantle and Judy Trott; to listen to them talk about the show and their other acting experiences, and to take part in a sword-fighting workshop with Mark, (who is/was at that time a swordmaster in his own right). In the evening I took part in the performance of the 'candle dance' as featured on the show itself, and then enjoyed dinner and drinks with all the other attendees and guests. It was an exciting time. I was young and fearless then.

Then came a long break in which I got older and more inhibited… and met Mir, who reintroduced me to the convention scene (and in many ways is still doing so), with the Star Trek conventions, run by Creation Entertainment. (We won't go into their organizational skills right now).

My first convention with Mir, I was terrified – nervous, a shrinking violet at the thought of meeting these people who portrayed the characters I saw on screen. I don't know why. I wasn't before, and I'm certainly not so bad now, after many years of convention going. Sure, I get a little nervous, but it's more in a… respectful kind of way. Actors are people too, you know, and they have feelings and I think I'm more nervous for them than of them; having to be subjected to the kind of behaviour of some of the fans. You might say that 'it goes with the territory' but then, why should it. As a teacher I'm not constantly given other people's children to spend the day with, or expected to impart wisdom or exude it from the pours of my skin. Why should an actor be subjected to a kind of intrusive adoration just because of a character they once played on television? We can admire them for a job well done, recognise them for their role, as I am often recognised in the streets and shopping malls of my home town by my former (and current) students, but to idolise them, fawn over them, and worse...?

But it happens, and to deal with it many of them don certain masks, for protection against that... I've seen it happen, I've seen the difference it makes in people, and it's not always – rarely is, in fact – a pleasant thing to see. It often makes them seem foolish, out of control, builds a bad reputation... and that is a very sad thing.

Deadlines

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

For the flower, it is fully open
At each step of its blossoming.

When we push ourselves to unfold faster or more deeply than is natural, we thwart ourselves. For nature takes time, and most of our problems of will stem from impatience.

I'm starting to think this is my problem with seeming stuck on what I'm doing and where I'm going with Use'ara I set myself a deadline (which I know I'm not going to meet), and I keep on pushing and pushing myself to try. Because of all this trying I'm tying myself in knots. I have my treatment, apart from Nik's section of it which may or may not end up having a great deal of bearing on the treatment so far, so I have no reason to be floundering.

I'm working through a system that will help with finalizing Nik's part of the overarching story, and it's proving immensely helpful, but there in the back of my mind is the little devil that sits on my shoulder and tells me that doing it that way is procrastinating. The angel on the other side tells me it's necessary procrastination, because without it I can't possibly hope to get everything settled in its place… the plot just won't make sense.

Still, I keep on pushing myself to get everything done, to meet the deadline that I don't have a hope in hell of meeting, and under the pressure of all of that, I end up getting nothing done at all. The obvious solution would be to let go, to just let things happen as they will, but… that's easier said than done.

Listening and Understanding

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

A mermaid found a swimming lad,
Picked him for her own.
Pressed her body to his body,
Laughed; and plunging down
Forgot in cruel happiness
That even lovers drown.
--William Butler Yeats

We want so badly to share our innermost experience with our loved ones, but often, like the mermaid, we forget that not everyone can go where we go.

I'm often told that I'm really confusing when I tell people things. To me, everything is perfectly clear in my own mind as to what I mean, because I was there, and I know what it's talking about, and it frustrates me that other people don't seem to be following, or get completely the wrong end of the stick, and then when we finally get to a point that they understand what I have meant, I get told that that's not what I said at all. I let it go – though the frustration lodges inside – what is the point in getting into a fight or cross words about such things. We understand one another in the end, right?

What really hurts though is that when the same thing happens the other way around, when I have misunderstood something, or not understood something, or not heard something or any of the other things that can get in the way of proper communication, I'm castigated for 'not listening.' I have listened, I have just not understood.