To Know You...

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

To know someone deeply
is like hearing the moon through the ocean
or having a hawk lay bright leaves at your feet.
It seems impossible, even while it happens.

This is why knowing someone deeply is such a treasure. It opens the sky of all time. It lets the song come out of the sea. It lets the heart like a photograph be developed for being touched by another.

I am finally here, finally home, where I am known and loved as deeply as I wish to know and love. It's been a busy first week, and in some ways a little strange because of it. Settling into new routines, settling into doing the things we wanted to do, a step at a time for one reason or another, but at the same time comforted by the familiar things I know are here, that I know will be and will happen, and all. I can't express enough how much everything means to me.

And then there are the little moments when she turns around and says things like, 'you take such good care of me,' or comes out of the bedroom singing 'loves, loves, loves,' like she did this morning. They are so totally her, and also so completely affirming… beautiful. I wish I could do the same more often than I do. These moments are the bright leaves that are laid at my feet.

As I'm typing this, I told her I'd found her passport, and got mercilessly teased about it. I'd said I hadn't had it, it was in my bag after all. I was teased… I should have known it was coming. *chuckles* Another bright leaf that lands at my feet.

Hugs, Touches and Lotions

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Touch bleeds the heart of its pressure.

Beneath all language, touch is the common gesture, the energy that connects all that lives inside us with all that lives outside us

I've always been a very touchy feely kind of person. I like to touch, and be touched, I like to feel that human connection, it's comforting to me. Nothing like curling up with someone, nothing like snuggling down to watch a movie, or holding hands or… any of a number of other little everyday touches. Why then doesn't it happen enough?

Perhaps that's why I enjoy massaging, anointing dry skin with lotion or all the other little things that we share. It's why pulling away is a worst kind of hurt to me than just about any other kind of hurt. It's why, if you're hurt or upset, the chances are high that I'll reach out to touch rather than offer words of comfort. I'm not very good at those anyway, but a touch, yes, I can do that and convey so much more than I would if I spoke.

The other day I had a moment of 'lost plotness.' All I wanted was to have a hug. It was important to me to be held. It wasn't that I didn't feel loved, I did. I always do, but I just needed that touch, that wordlessness of comfort that allowed me a moment to recentre and find my balance again. Still not entirely sure what started it all… mingled frustrations, overtiredness (I hadn't slept well the night before), or whatever else. I needed a hug. It wasn't pretty.

With the Best Will In the World

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

As the lungs remember
to breathe, even when we sleep,
the spirit keeps us alive
through the dream of our will.

It is said that Merlin, when training young Arthur in the woods of Camelot, told him that the only difference between magicians and the rest of us is that magicians accept that our will is but a dream.

I've said, maybe times before in this journal and in others that I don't deal well with disappointment. I don't deal well with things when they don't go according to plan. Perhaps this is the key. The whole, go with the flow… if I don't plan, I can't have those plans misaligned with what's actually happening throughout the day or days, and then I would be more gracious and flexible in everything? I don't know.

It's been a busy week… not that I had any plans as such. Two cars to inspect, rats to take care of, a little cleaning to do… and then things to write and all… getting sick wasn't part of the program, and it put me behind, and by Tuesday I had become frustrated. I wasn't having a good morning, I was cleaning, but all I was succeeding in doing was moving things from one pile to another and nothing was looking any cleaner and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing on the bed, feeling useless, hated by everyone – including the rats - and in need. "I need… something." I didn't even know what I needed at that point (though as the previous entry to this one points out, what I needed was contact… a hug), but I was in need. I soon pulled myself together… though I was still fragile enough that when Mir came home at lunchtime I immediately jumped up and had a hug, but still… it was a kind of scary morning for me.

If my will Is only a dream, then I dreamed that I will spend tomorrow writing. LOL