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Hard Truths and a Beautiful Dream
Jun. 25th, 2011 07:25 pmFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
In committing to this honest practice, wisdom becomes that very good net of mindful heart, through which we rinse and claim the smallest of shells, those hidden castings that hold both food and pearls.
I woke this morning from a dream in which I was lying in a small boat of some kind, my head pillowed on Mir's shoulder, one hand trailing in the water, the other hand joined with hers in holding and petting the two rats we had with is, (I don't know which ones). It's not something we've done yet – but something we talked about doing, (apart from taking the rats), and a hope I hold in my heart for the summer.
I spoke of it briefly, but very poorly on the phone this morning, I didn't express the peaceful, emotional warmth with which if fills me – the feeling of love, of belonging, of a happiness and security that has the power to wipe away everything but the sense of being two hearts together.
The image and the feelings; the love and warmth keep returning to me as I sit here a little while after. It reminds me of the times that we've had the hammock and the tray outside with our book and our lemonade, or whatever drink and snacks we were enjoying, and every time the same warmth blossoms inside me.
I've heard, so many times, in so many different ways in the last two weeks the phrase 'you're not yourself,' or 'I didn't think you were quite yourself.' Swept under the carpet… my brains response, I'm trying.
My 'efforts' aren't good enough… it's not about trying.
I've heard other very hard truths this week, a lot of them, the words and their meaning, and the feelings that have come along with them, like the fish filling my net… and my heart taking them all in. I've been so… wrapped up in my issues, my troubles, defensiveness, the rest of the rubbish – meaningless rubbish, baggage I'm carrying that I don't have to or need to, that I've not been able to see anything past the end of my nose; nothing outside of myself… self… and the one good thing in my life, the one person that really and honestly cherishes me and gives my life meaning, I've hurt and taken for granted and haven't done anything to make her feel what I tell her all the time… my love and happiness with her.
Honesty is the net
by which we fish the deep.
In committing to this honest practice, wisdom becomes that very good net of mindful heart, through which we rinse and claim the smallest of shells, those hidden castings that hold both food and pearls.
I woke this morning from a dream in which I was lying in a small boat of some kind, my head pillowed on Mir's shoulder, one hand trailing in the water, the other hand joined with hers in holding and petting the two rats we had with is, (I don't know which ones). It's not something we've done yet – but something we talked about doing, (apart from taking the rats), and a hope I hold in my heart for the summer.
I spoke of it briefly, but very poorly on the phone this morning, I didn't express the peaceful, emotional warmth with which if fills me – the feeling of love, of belonging, of a happiness and security that has the power to wipe away everything but the sense of being two hearts together.
The image and the feelings; the love and warmth keep returning to me as I sit here a little while after. It reminds me of the times that we've had the hammock and the tray outside with our book and our lemonade, or whatever drink and snacks we were enjoying, and every time the same warmth blossoms inside me.
I've heard, so many times, in so many different ways in the last two weeks the phrase 'you're not yourself,' or 'I didn't think you were quite yourself.' Swept under the carpet… my brains response, I'm trying.
My 'efforts' aren't good enough… it's not about trying.
I've heard other very hard truths this week, a lot of them, the words and their meaning, and the feelings that have come along with them, like the fish filling my net… and my heart taking them all in. I've been so… wrapped up in my issues, my troubles, defensiveness, the rest of the rubbish – meaningless rubbish, baggage I'm carrying that I don't have to or need to, that I've not been able to see anything past the end of my nose; nothing outside of myself… self… and the one good thing in my life, the one person that really and honestly cherishes me and gives my life meaning, I've hurt and taken for granted and haven't done anything to make her feel what I tell her all the time… my love and happiness with her.
