The morning sky

Funny how we can all look at the same thing and see different things, feel different emotions... just one of them (Maybe if I get time I'll post the others)

sb= "I look up into the sky this morning, and along with my colour, nestled there against it in fact, the same way we fell to sleep, completely without intention, a beautiful peach colour... my loves colour." he sighs "It is so wonderful to have her here at home... And as my father contemplates what must seem an inevitable change to him, I too am contemplating change. Though of a much happier kind."

The Sadness of the Queen.

Going through her mind this morning as Avkia came to take Desi from her arms... as she walked to the edge of the platform and looked up into the still dark sky...

"Ai Desiah, melaniel nin, forgive my frailty... Forgive that she can give you what I cannot. I pray you do not turn your tiny heart from me. What use am I as woman, wife and mother if I cannot give you that which you need for life? What use am I as Queen, when in failing you, I fail my King? Ai, I-Arelen... daro indo ninya!"

Selfishness.

Is it selfishness that I bring her to a place she does not with to be? I fear it is... and my tears last night, were they selfish also - again I fear that the answer is yes. Always it goes this way. Always it seems that in wanting to give her comfort I seem only to take from her. How can I help that? *sighs* Do they think I cannot tell when she is acting to please only me. When she does not voice her own wishes because that is "not what [she] does?" *sighs*

Concubine... I hate that word with a passion. It has been thrust on me, always in times when they wanted my co-operation in matters where I resist - constantly reminded that, officially, entered into record of law, Meiri, my first love, is naught more than sworn concubine, although my family affords her the station of First Wife... Officially - Sworn Concubine and mother of me heir is all she is. By her own words -

"No more than a woman who has shared your bed long enough to get with child."

Is that the way they see her still? What then... should I marry her too? Would that further reduce what she is to our people?

And "Ya Salaam"... willingly naming herself as nothing more than concubine? How does that reflect the way I feel for her if I allow that to become? But again how does it reflect my love for her if I do not accord with her wishes..? How can I explain to her... to anyone the way I feel for her, the way I have come to feel, when the word "Ahebak," seems so frail and inadequate - who believes me anyway?

Born of concern, a feeling of caring that blossomed and grew with the beauty of a desert rose in my heart... even thought her coming to me, her acquiescence was of a flight... Does that make me feel any less? No. I have heard her "Ahebik" and feel it, even though, last night I felt an ending of sorts. The onset of change.

*He closes his eyes and sighs*

ANd Ashna... my sweet Ashna, who gave herself to the stability of the Twelve Tribes in our union. Do I love her...? Yes... and she knows I do. Does that love have the depth and power of my devotion to Meiri, or my love for Mirrani? No. Though somehow that does not lessen it, but strengthens out bond. I care for her, I love her... and in her is my life among the tribes. How could I be without any of these beautiful women?

ANd I cannot help but think of Nafisah, once a part of my family, still a part of my heart though living now, happily with the Elves of Rivendell. I see her smile, I see the wisdom in the spark of her eyes and I cannot help but wonder... where is it that I falter and trip so often in matters of the heart? What is wrong with me...?

A. Bay