Selfishness.
Jan. 21st, 2003 01:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveIs it selfishness that I bring her to a place she does not with to be? I fear it is... and my tears last night, were they selfish also - again I fear that the answer is yes. Always it goes this way. Always it seems that in wanting to give her comfort I seem only to take from her. How can I help that? *sighs* Do they think I cannot tell when she is acting to please only me. When she does not voice her own wishes because that is "not what [she] does?" *sighs*
Concubine... I hate that word with a passion. It has been thrust on me, always in times when they wanted my co-operation in matters where I resist - constantly reminded that, officially, entered into record of law, Meiri, my first love, is naught more than sworn concubine, although my family affords her the station of First Wife... Officially - Sworn Concubine and mother of me heir is all she is. By her own words -
"No more than a woman who has shared your bed long enough to get with child."
Is that the way they see her still? What then... should I marry her too? Would that further reduce what she is to our people?
And "Ya Salaam"... willingly naming herself as nothing more than concubine? How does that reflect the way I feel for her if I allow that to become? But again how does it reflect my love for her if I do not accord with her wishes..? How can I explain to her... to anyone the way I feel for her, the way I have come to feel, when the word "Ahebak," seems so frail and inadequate - who believes me anyway?
Born of concern, a feeling of caring that blossomed and grew with the beauty of a desert rose in my heart... even thought her coming to me, her acquiescence was of a flight... Does that make me feel any less? No. I have heard her "Ahebik" and feel it, even though, last night I felt an ending of sorts. The onset of change.
*He closes his eyes and sighs*
ANd Ashna... my sweet Ashna, who gave herself to the stability of the Twelve Tribes in our union. Do I love her...? Yes... and she knows I do. Does that love have the depth and power of my devotion to Meiri, or my love for Mirrani? No. Though somehow that does not lessen it, but strengthens out bond. I care for her, I love her... and in her is my life among the tribes. How could I be without any of these beautiful women?
ANd I cannot help but think of Nafisah, once a part of my family, still a part of my heart though living now, happily with the Elves of Rivendell. I see her smile, I see the wisdom in the spark of her eyes and I cannot help but wonder... where is it that I falter and trip so often in matters of the heart? What is wrong with me...?
A. Bay
Concubine... I hate that word with a passion. It has been thrust on me, always in times when they wanted my co-operation in matters where I resist - constantly reminded that, officially, entered into record of law, Meiri, my first love, is naught more than sworn concubine, although my family affords her the station of First Wife... Officially - Sworn Concubine and mother of me heir is all she is. By her own words -
"No more than a woman who has shared your bed long enough to get with child."
Is that the way they see her still? What then... should I marry her too? Would that further reduce what she is to our people?
And "Ya Salaam"... willingly naming herself as nothing more than concubine? How does that reflect the way I feel for her if I allow that to become? But again how does it reflect my love for her if I do not accord with her wishes..? How can I explain to her... to anyone the way I feel for her, the way I have come to feel, when the word "Ahebak," seems so frail and inadequate - who believes me anyway?
Born of concern, a feeling of caring that blossomed and grew with the beauty of a desert rose in my heart... even thought her coming to me, her acquiescence was of a flight... Does that make me feel any less? No. I have heard her "Ahebik" and feel it, even though, last night I felt an ending of sorts. The onset of change.
*He closes his eyes and sighs*
ANd Ashna... my sweet Ashna, who gave herself to the stability of the Twelve Tribes in our union. Do I love her...? Yes... and she knows I do. Does that love have the depth and power of my devotion to Meiri, or my love for Mirrani? No. Though somehow that does not lessen it, but strengthens out bond. I care for her, I love her... and in her is my life among the tribes. How could I be without any of these beautiful women?
ANd I cannot help but think of Nafisah, once a part of my family, still a part of my heart though living now, happily with the Elves of Rivendell. I see her smile, I see the wisdom in the spark of her eyes and I cannot help but wonder... where is it that I falter and trip so often in matters of the heart? What is wrong with me...?
A. Bay
