The Last Few Days.
Feb. 6th, 2006 12:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveThis is probably going to be where I dump all of the blah I've been feeling the last few days... a big long moan, so... you can ignore it if you'd like. Most of all I'm just feeling very... fed up right now. With myself, with some other people, with life in general, and I know I shouldn't be like that, but sometimes you know, you just get that feeling of being down and you can't shake it. That's how I feel right now.
Am I too patient? Too trusting? Everything seems to say yes. I believe people when they say they're going to do something, and even when they don't I still give them time, and the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they just haven't got around to it yet. So, I'm still waiting for my P45 to come back from Select. They said that if a person doesn't do any work for them for three months it automatically gets sent back to them. I've not worked an assignment for select since last July. Either my calendar is off or that's more than three months ago. Where is my P45. So I ask them for it. 3 times. Still it's not here, but they said they would send it. Meantime I'm paying BR tax on everything that I do for Primary Supply. This week alone paying over £200 in total deductions... or at least I would have done if I'd been paid at all. Because Friday I go to check my balance, and discover that the money's not even been deposited. I can't afford to not have the money paid into my account when it's supposed to be... and this assignment is tough enough without thinking I'm not getting paid for the abuse I'm taking. It really set my weekend off on completely the wrong foot and ended up making me feel even worse than I already do.
Why am I feeling bad at all? I can't settle to anything just now... I want to be doing one thing, or another, but when I start to do it it feels like... flat, or not what I wanted to do at all. I want to read, but I feel guilty doing that because there are so many other things that I could be doing. Things that are more useful, more profitable. I want to be writing, but I feel terrible for doing that, because it's a waste of time and I could be using that time in a more productive manner. Never mind the fact that at least two days this last week I've still been marking at eleven o'clock at night. Then I feel like I'm nattering at people... nagging them and making them do things that they don't want to do; wasting /their/ time with my petty little demands. I don't feel that I'm worthy of other people's time, that maybe even my being around is a bad thing. I know it's probably a combination of hormonal, and the stress of this blessed class I'm with, and everything else that's making me feel so negative, but I'm feeling that way and it's a miserable place to be... feeling like you're ruining everything for everyone.
On the positive side of things, I started driving again this past Thursday. I was a little bit rusty, and very nervous, but it soon started coming back to me, and I think I did okay. The instructor seemed to think so too, which made me feel a bit better about it. Also that all my fears proved to be unfounded. Hermesh is a cool guy with a very funny sense of humour, very laid back and understanding. I guess someone, somewhere might be looking out for me after all.
Can't remember how to do LJ cuts and can't be arsed to look it up on the FAQ so I apologise if I've just clogged up your friends' page with my ramblings.
Am I too patient? Too trusting? Everything seems to say yes. I believe people when they say they're going to do something, and even when they don't I still give them time, and the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they just haven't got around to it yet. So, I'm still waiting for my P45 to come back from Select. They said that if a person doesn't do any work for them for three months it automatically gets sent back to them. I've not worked an assignment for select since last July. Either my calendar is off or that's more than three months ago. Where is my P45. So I ask them for it. 3 times. Still it's not here, but they said they would send it. Meantime I'm paying BR tax on everything that I do for Primary Supply. This week alone paying over £200 in total deductions... or at least I would have done if I'd been paid at all. Because Friday I go to check my balance, and discover that the money's not even been deposited. I can't afford to not have the money paid into my account when it's supposed to be... and this assignment is tough enough without thinking I'm not getting paid for the abuse I'm taking. It really set my weekend off on completely the wrong foot and ended up making me feel even worse than I already do.
Why am I feeling bad at all? I can't settle to anything just now... I want to be doing one thing, or another, but when I start to do it it feels like... flat, or not what I wanted to do at all. I want to read, but I feel guilty doing that because there are so many other things that I could be doing. Things that are more useful, more profitable. I want to be writing, but I feel terrible for doing that, because it's a waste of time and I could be using that time in a more productive manner. Never mind the fact that at least two days this last week I've still been marking at eleven o'clock at night. Then I feel like I'm nattering at people... nagging them and making them do things that they don't want to do; wasting /their/ time with my petty little demands. I don't feel that I'm worthy of other people's time, that maybe even my being around is a bad thing. I know it's probably a combination of hormonal, and the stress of this blessed class I'm with, and everything else that's making me feel so negative, but I'm feeling that way and it's a miserable place to be... feeling like you're ruining everything for everyone.
On the positive side of things, I started driving again this past Thursday. I was a little bit rusty, and very nervous, but it soon started coming back to me, and I think I did okay. The instructor seemed to think so too, which made me feel a bit better about it. Also that all my fears proved to be unfounded. Hermesh is a cool guy with a very funny sense of humour, very laid back and understanding. I guess someone, somewhere might be looking out for me after all.
Can't remember how to do LJ cuts and can't be arsed to look it up on the FAQ so I apologise if I've just clogged up your friends' page with my ramblings.
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Date: 2006-02-06 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-06 10:57 pm (UTC)