Not Feeling It...

[cedar_grove]

Here are some little trinkets, goddess, because
I know you love baubles, and I want you to smile.

Here are some cakes, Aphrodite, sweet ones
for a sweet goddess. I hope these make you happy.

And me? Oh, I want little in return: only your gaze,
Watching me as I travel to my lover. Only your gaze,

shining like a star or the sun on my path, as I move
between ports through my life, searching for love.

--Greek offering prayer to Aphrodite

The goddess is within you as well as all around you. She is your witness as you move toward your destiny.

Sometimes, feeling your own divinity, your own connection with godhood is certainly not an easy thing. It's easier, I guess, when everything is going right, but when everything is going wrong, and you feel like - no matter the fact that there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances - everything is your fault, or that you are responsible for it all, then suddenly feeling your own godliness is kind of not an option.

I've tried to stop doing what I'm about to do, since it was pointed out to me how negative I was being a while back, and that I wasn't using these meditations as they are supposed to be used - to reconnect me with my pagan/wiccan heart, but I have reached the point, (actually reached it a while ago, but have been trying to work through it), where I'm just a wreck over everything that's going on, and it's just getting worse, day by day, because I can't think of how to take care of the problems. I despair.

I know it will get better - sure - I know there will be a time when I will once more say and do the right thing by the people I love and for the on that is everythng to me... but right now all that is happening is that I'm getting it wrong, wrong WRONG.

Yes, I know, 'Woe is me...' and I'm sorry for that, but I just can't keep pushing my feelings away. I'm not sleeping properly through worrying about everything. I'm sick, but I'm ignoring that because other peoples needs are greater than mine, and I feel so bad about what I fail and failed to do that I'll happily confess and accept the blame for everything right now if people asked me to.

So, no... not feeling that inner divinity at all right now.