cedar_grove | Grant O Goddess... (Reply)

She is the one who made the world.
She was the moon when she did that.
I will never forget her.

She is the one who sustains the world.
She is the sun as she does that.
I will never forget her.

She is the one who gives happiness.
She is the cosmos when she does that.
I will never forget her.

She is the one who will destroy the world.
She will be the goddess when she does that.
I will never forget her.

--Indian Tantrasara

But even when she is not beautiful, this winter goddess holds the deepest truth of our existence.

Isn't it always the way that just when you think spring is on the way, winter comes back with bitey cold snap. Just the same, even as I start to feel like I'm getting to grips with things... feeling better... settled or whatever - there's the unexpected - there's the problems - there's the slap in the face. Even while I know it's the cyclical nature of things, and that this too will pass and spring with start to creep in again, it's hard not to sink back into winter. Sounds so dramatic...

What is the 'truth of my existence' that the Goddess knows so well... This is my truth:

I love Mir.

I love Mir and I want to be with her, and while being here is hard, and testing us both in many different ways, I am glad that I can be here to gain experience, improve my prospects and my resume, to be able to say to US employers, 'Look, I have international experience' - and also to earn some money so that we can more easily do the things we want to do.

My truth is:
Though I'm a woman, I'm hopeless with romance, and romantic stuff. And that makes me feel bad.

A couple of days ago Mir moved me to tears with this post. I simply cannot express how special and how loved that made me feel - still makes me feel - always will. The depth of emotion and love expressed in that post is what fills my heart from moment to moment as I think about Mir and our relationship together. I would move the heavens and earth for her if I could, as I know she would, and often does for me. Later in the same day there was a specific point where she was so romantic... such emotion and love in a moment, it will stay with me for ever, just that one simple moment. Our love sustains me, makes me whole and gives me reason.

The truth of me is:
I think too much. Drummed or trained it into myself. Stop - pause - think... and usually from the thinking has come silence. It became one of those pavlovian conditioning kinds of things, because to do otherwise hurt more. Only trouble is that now the opposite is true and I find it hard to go back to the way things where when I just opened up and blurted out all that I needed to say and do... but I am getting better, and thank heaven for small mercies.