Temper Tantrums

[cedar_grove]

The goddess is an eye of fire,
born from a cauldron of strength.
The goddess is a radiant fire,
born from an ocian of fear.

The goddess is strong and fearsome.
Her magic is strong and powerful.
When she grows angry, she strikes,
and her enemies wither from her wraith.

--Egyptian Coffin texts

Egyptians knew when they honored Sekhmet, the wrathful lion goddess of the sun's fire, nature cannot be contained nor constrained within our human vision of gentleness and love.

I am a woman that has a temper. I know this and I have always known this - but since childhood... since understanding that my father and I shared that temper and that it wasn't good for either of us when we clashed, I trained myself - not necessarily a good thing to do, but I did it anyway - to sublimate my temper, to sit on it. I turn it inward so that I don't blow up.

When I lose my temper I'm not a pretty sight.

But in an effort to be more healthy - psychologically speaking, I've at least been trying to talk about things that are bothering me - to let off steam I suppose you'd say - even if the person I'm talking to is myself... you know the whole, walking around muttering to myself kind of deal. Not working.

I'm starting to think I should just let go all of those long trained, self imposed restraints and just - when I'm pissed off, when I'm angry, when someone has had a go at me or stabbed me in the back, to just let rip. Just once. Maybe. Maybe just once to fly through the streets like the avenging Sekhmet, destroying all in my path, laying bare all before me... Yea-no. Can't do it.

I can't do it for a number of reasons, chief among them that it's counter production, and certainly not the patient, loving and considered pagan I want to be. I seriously know I should be able to just turn around to someone that has bothered me, annoyed me, hurt me - whatever, and say, "You know... when x that really made me feel..." but that's not happening either.

I'm realising a lot of the time that's a timing thing... see... what brought about all this thinking about temper is that in the last few days at work, a member of our team has been - well basically behaving like a kid that can't get their own way and is standing making a big fuss about it, instead of being reasonably professional about the problems she's facing. She has said to me on a number of occasions in the past two months that she feels out of her depth and unqualified to do the job that she has to do. Others on the team are far more qualified than she is. My immediate response on all of those occasions was unequivocable support. "We are your team," I told her, "Let us help you." Only to be stonewalled on every occasion. Now, today, the entire team was pulled into a meeting with the head of Primary to address the issue of our lack of pulling together as a team. That the woman in question is feeling, in her own words of the meeting - out of her depth, unable to do her job, and she doesn't feel that we, as her team, are supporting her. Um... excuse me - how many times have I alone offered! How many times have others... and we have been rejected on every turn - for why? - because the woman will not adjust her practise, is inflexible and honestly quite bombastic. So for the second time in as many weeks I ended up really feeling quite cross, and internalising it.

Still I try to be supportive, because as the people out here go, this woman is one of a number of people I can count on the fingers of one hand that I would actually have called a friend. But I have to sadly confess that this is becoming more and more difficult - a tenuous relationship... because having, as a member of the team, along with the others, practically bent over backwards to accomodate this woman's needs, when we next had a planning meeting firstly she didn't arrive, then when we asked if she was coming she came and was petulant, hostile and just downright arbitrary about everything - and talked to us like shit.

Seriously I'm hoping that she gets over whatever bug she has up her arse by the time this holiday is done, otherwise I really don't know how things are going to go... and that's a shame, because we had a good relationship before all this began.