cedar_grove | Trying to Hear the Song

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

If pulled, grief is a thread
that will leave us naked in song.

In this way, grief is yet another song the heart must sing to open the gate of all there is.

Tuesday 22nd
Day three with my class... People still coming in to check that things are going okay, which is a good thing, not because I need checking up on or need help, just that there are a lot of things to learn and remember. I'm trying not to feel frustrated at it though, to know that it'll end eventually, and of course that will be when I want people to come in and check on me. I have a good team of people around me... feel closer to Sarah and to Mark, but I can talk to Brian too, and older, father figure kind of teacher, who unfortunately seems a little disillusioned with things right now (Edit: I have learned that he's handed his notice in at school). I'm sure that once I get things the way I want them in the class, I'm going to enjoy teaching there for the rest of the year... and as time gets closer, when I've proven myself invaluable, (or at least highly competent), I'm going to start applying to every private and charter school in NC. While I feel slightly uncomfortable using this place as a stepping stone, the universe has handed this gift to me.

Thinking about the quote, I have to ask myself today, what am I grieving for? Even to wonder if there is a kind of grief in making changes like this, moving home and job. Whether it's right or wrong, that's kind of how I feel.

Rather than think of it in terms of grief, because I feel that's a bit too strong, I'm going to think of the things that I've noticed that I'm missing... the things for which I am sad, and I want to try and think positively about these things, to hear the song and not the sorrow.

First among those things is that I miss Mir. It makes little sense, I know, because we still talk every day. Yes it is for a shorter length of time, during the week at least, but as much as I miss talking for longer, it does mean she has more time to herself, to do the things she needs to do and wants to do. I'm glad of that, I want to be able to give her what she needs, just as she always does for me – more so than anyone realises. I'm looking forward to being able to spend time with her over Thanksgiving. With both of us having time off over the holiday, I'm looking forward to being able to spend that time with her; with being able to catch up to myself in the things we wanted to do together, that I'd still like to do. They're great ideas – she always has the best ideas – things will help to keep us close, a lifeline, as dramatic as that sounds, and as I find my feet, they'll become something fun that we'll share, that'll give us something amazing when we reach an end point for them – though the nature of them all is something that is ongoing. All of these things, and more...

Another thing that I'm noticing more is that I'm by myself here, alone when I get back to the apartment. It's the quiet more than anything that makes that feel more intense –and added to the lonely feeling. I could put on the TV, just for noise, but it's a false company, and there's nothing that I want to watch, because it's all in Arabic. Apparently I could retune the receiver to a different satellite which has some English channels on it, but I don't know how to do that, and all the instructions for the receiver box are in Arabic too. It's like the Universe wants me to experience the solitude, to understand the loneliness, and maybe that's what it is. Thinking on the positives of that, the quiet would give me the chance to meditate, to reflect, to find the way forward. It's something I should embrace – again, I've been so locked in the negative of it all, it's what I've been missing – missing the point... I do that a lot and I have been doing that a lot more of late. It's time to turn it all around... but again – actions. It's all very well knowing what I need to do, but it's not enough.