I Am That Camel
Nov. 25th, 2011 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
This is how after years of feeling mistreated, I can find myself mistreating others and, suddenly, I feel humbled. This is how in giving myself away to be loved, I finally, after years, arrive at the dark loveless center of that way, and the only way out is to follow the small thread of accepting who I am until it leads me back to where I began, expect this time I weep to know my place in the world.
Saturday 19th
Finally broke down and cried properly today. I've been having the odd moment here and there all week since I got here, times when I feel overwhelmed, have a little sniffle, and then pull myself together before anyone can see... but today, being at 'home' in my own place, I just lay down on my bed and had a good cry.
I cried because of being scared. I cried because of being on my own. I cried for having been at odds and out of sorts with my guy. That was the thing that made me cry the hardest. Realising that I have been so closed, and so terrible to the one that means the most to me, to the one I love and leaving her feeling pushed aside, was and is the final straw.
Knowing that it wasn't deliberate, and knowing why it happened doesn't make it any easier, it just makes me feel weaker – worse if that were possible that I could have stepped so far backwards that I would do such a thing. It also made me more resolved to pull myself together. I was scared to admit that I wasn't as okay as I thought I would be. It wasn't a sense of pride that stopped me from wanting to admit it was that if I admitted it, I was going to fall to pieces even more. Admitting to my own vulnerability has been hard. For a person that's insecure, as I am it seems to somehow underline all the things I can't do... and all of the things I'm failing to do even though I'm trying. It's a horrible feeling... I'm sure for Mir as well as for me.
In how you have come
is the secret
to how you must go.
This is how after years of feeling mistreated, I can find myself mistreating others and, suddenly, I feel humbled. This is how in giving myself away to be loved, I finally, after years, arrive at the dark loveless center of that way, and the only way out is to follow the small thread of accepting who I am until it leads me back to where I began, expect this time I weep to know my place in the world.
Saturday 19th
Finally broke down and cried properly today. I've been having the odd moment here and there all week since I got here, times when I feel overwhelmed, have a little sniffle, and then pull myself together before anyone can see... but today, being at 'home' in my own place, I just lay down on my bed and had a good cry.
I cried because of being scared. I cried because of being on my own. I cried for having been at odds and out of sorts with my guy. That was the thing that made me cry the hardest. Realising that I have been so closed, and so terrible to the one that means the most to me, to the one I love and leaving her feeling pushed aside, was and is the final straw.
Knowing that it wasn't deliberate, and knowing why it happened doesn't make it any easier, it just makes me feel weaker – worse if that were possible that I could have stepped so far backwards that I would do such a thing. It also made me more resolved to pull myself together. I was scared to admit that I wasn't as okay as I thought I would be. It wasn't a sense of pride that stopped me from wanting to admit it was that if I admitted it, I was going to fall to pieces even more. Admitting to my own vulnerability has been hard. For a person that's insecure, as I am it seems to somehow underline all the things I can't do... and all of the things I'm failing to do even though I'm trying. It's a horrible feeling... I'm sure for Mir as well as for me.
