'You' and 'Me'
Sep. 26th, 2011 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
How often do we barricade and fence up our lives against hurt and loss, thinking we're keeping the painful things out, when they're already trapped inside us eating at our roots, and what we really need to do is to open the gate and let them out?
The real question is how do we open that gate?
I know that my biggest 'barricade' is that I don't open my mouth and speak when maybe I should. I don't do it because in the past (talking about long past), whenever I did I always ended up getting hurt, which I fear happening again, but in not doing so, I end up hurting myself... nicely vicious circle there... no? The pain is already trapped inside with me.
The thing that bothers me is that back at the beginning of our relationship, I always used to talk, so... what's the difference, what's changed? Was I more fragile in my confidence than I thought and maybe one time I said something, I perceived a slap, and that one – probably small and insignificant – moment underlined that 'I shouldn't open my mouth'? The trouble is, I don't know. I can't figure out where the barricade went up and when I stopped talking... and I can't figure out how to open the gate to let the rabid bunnies out.
I want to talk, and I try, but it hasn't been helping, because I still don't feel like I can, or should, without devaluing others opinions and feelings in favour of my own. I'm told it's in the 'way' I speak when I do that is the problem; that I need to make the language less accusatory... apply less blame. I can try, but I try the same as the next guy, and if I'm hurt I'm not necessarily going to be composing the award winning speech about how I feel. I'll be hurting. It really does worry me, because I just want to be open about everything... I also don't want to sound like I'm just whining. I just want an open line of communication.
I'd also like to stop translating 'you' to 'me' all the time... and have it stay as the universal 'you' that I'm sure it's supposed to be.
The real voyage of discovery
Consists not in seeking new landscapes
But in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
How often do we barricade and fence up our lives against hurt and loss, thinking we're keeping the painful things out, when they're already trapped inside us eating at our roots, and what we really need to do is to open the gate and let them out?
The real question is how do we open that gate?
I know that my biggest 'barricade' is that I don't open my mouth and speak when maybe I should. I don't do it because in the past (talking about long past), whenever I did I always ended up getting hurt, which I fear happening again, but in not doing so, I end up hurting myself... nicely vicious circle there... no? The pain is already trapped inside with me.
The thing that bothers me is that back at the beginning of our relationship, I always used to talk, so... what's the difference, what's changed? Was I more fragile in my confidence than I thought and maybe one time I said something, I perceived a slap, and that one – probably small and insignificant – moment underlined that 'I shouldn't open my mouth'? The trouble is, I don't know. I can't figure out where the barricade went up and when I stopped talking... and I can't figure out how to open the gate to let the rabid bunnies out.
I want to talk, and I try, but it hasn't been helping, because I still don't feel like I can, or should, without devaluing others opinions and feelings in favour of my own. I'm told it's in the 'way' I speak when I do that is the problem; that I need to make the language less accusatory... apply less blame. I can try, but I try the same as the next guy, and if I'm hurt I'm not necessarily going to be composing the award winning speech about how I feel. I'll be hurting. It really does worry me, because I just want to be open about everything... I also don't want to sound like I'm just whining. I just want an open line of communication.
I'd also like to stop translating 'you' to 'me' all the time... and have it stay as the universal 'you' that I'm sure it's supposed to be.
