Not Good Enough

[cedar_grove]

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Every crack is also an opening.

Yet once everything it has relied on falls away, the chick is born. It doesn’t die, but falls into the world.

I could do with 'falling into the world' right now. How long have I been chipping away at the shell surrounding me to get out into it? How many stretches and adjustments have I made to try and accommodate everything? Has anything I've ever tried to do, any change I've tried to effect been recognised and appreciated?

I'll leave those as rhetorical questions, because what I don't want to end up doing is using these awakening things as a vehicle for endless 'airing out of dirty laundry.' My feelings, sure... how do I feel right now...? Tired, down and not good enough, but... see... a while ago I was posting in this thing and said stuff that made the guy I love feel terrible, and that's not what this is about, is it?

Or is that just another way of running away to avoid conflict? Should I... as in life, just bite the bullet and just spit it all out and take the conflicts that are bound to arise at some point from something that is said or not said, understood or not understood.

I'm so tired. I'm afraid of conflict. I just want all the things that I evidently can't do. How good that makes me feel. Not.

Comments

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm such a nasty bully to you. Obviously I'll have to do better.