Everything I Touch Turns To...
Sep. 21st, 2011 02:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
How do we make our way through the tangle of being confused or sad or blocked in understanding a way to tomorrow?
In thinking about things; in thinking about the whole 'turtling' thing I was talking about yesterday, and the blame I place on one particular relationship for teaching me that 'to have my own feelings and express them' is a wrong thing to do – is like emotional blackmail (and I'm not even going to examine that one right now) – I realise that there were also events before that. One specific comes to mind.
I used to keep a journal – writing down the way I felt because it was the only way I had to do that, no really close friends to confide in. The paper was my 'friend.' One time, however, this document was taken from me, and quite obviously shown to the guy in school that I had feelings for... was obviously written while I was upset, and he got pissed... had a go at me.
To my credit I had a go back – told him that no, he wasn't supposed to see it, that I was in my journal which was supposedly private to me so no one but me should have seen it. Ironically after our little heart to heart we became good friends, the crush faded, because the friendship was better for us than anything else would have been and, I suppose, all was good.
But it stopped me from writing a journal any more (for a very long time), and in essence cut off that connection with myself that I had. And then Alec came along and convinced me that it was wrong to express hurt, and upset etc, only acceptance was appropriate, and just... talk about being stifled.
Now I'm left struggling with all of that, struggling to express verbally the way I feel without making it seem like any kind of accusations. I obviously don't know how to do that. All I can say is that I'm going to try, but that just never seems good enough to me.
Guess this is just another in a long line of anti-Midas days that I seem to be having lately.
When the dark is at rest,
The light begins to move.
--The Secret of the Golden Flower
How do we make our way through the tangle of being confused or sad or blocked in understanding a way to tomorrow?
In thinking about things; in thinking about the whole 'turtling' thing I was talking about yesterday, and the blame I place on one particular relationship for teaching me that 'to have my own feelings and express them' is a wrong thing to do – is like emotional blackmail (and I'm not even going to examine that one right now) – I realise that there were also events before that. One specific comes to mind.
I used to keep a journal – writing down the way I felt because it was the only way I had to do that, no really close friends to confide in. The paper was my 'friend.' One time, however, this document was taken from me, and quite obviously shown to the guy in school that I had feelings for... was obviously written while I was upset, and he got pissed... had a go at me.
To my credit I had a go back – told him that no, he wasn't supposed to see it, that I was in my journal which was supposedly private to me so no one but me should have seen it. Ironically after our little heart to heart we became good friends, the crush faded, because the friendship was better for us than anything else would have been and, I suppose, all was good.
But it stopped me from writing a journal any more (for a very long time), and in essence cut off that connection with myself that I had. And then Alec came along and convinced me that it was wrong to express hurt, and upset etc, only acceptance was appropriate, and just... talk about being stifled.
Now I'm left struggling with all of that, struggling to express verbally the way I feel without making it seem like any kind of accusations. I obviously don't know how to do that. All I can say is that I'm going to try, but that just never seems good enough to me.
Guess this is just another in a long line of anti-Midas days that I seem to be having lately.
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no subject
Date: 2011-09-21 05:20 pm (UTC)I'm about to finish my 2nd notebook for the first time in ages.
*hugs8