I Want To Come Home
May. 24th, 2011 08:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
For a long time, I thought that keeping who I am to myself was the same thing as being myself quietly. I discovered it is not.
I am generally honest about who and what I am. In my heart and mind I am completely so, but I am often swayed by fear. I'm not afraid of what others might think, per se, (though I am sometimes so afraid of perceived conflict and that prevents me from speaking), more the fear is self imposed… a fear that I am not good enough - so I strive to be better, to do as I think others would do, or would have me do, and so have allowed myself to become swept away. I'll search for a solution, when inside my heart is telling me there is no need. Just acknowledge the matter, give of yourself and continue on. It's what I always used to do, and is more helpful than trying to 'help.' I know this, so why to I persist in following the 'wrong god home'?
Like everyone, I have worries and troubles and fears. I think my problem generally is that I don't talk about them and express them as much as I should, because I don't want to burden others with them. That's always something that's been a part of me – not wanting to put my problems onto other people, but that's led to being in this place of keeping too much to myself, when that never used to be a problem before. That has to stop if I'm going to be myself in the way I want to – to meet my ideal. Instead of being one of those kinds of flowers that curls up when touched, and opens when not – I need to be one of those glorious huge stinkweeds, on display for all to see… well – maybe not a stinkweed, but… a flower that might tremble if you brush your hand against me, but I'll show you who I am, and be present in your fragrance as you are in mine.
In truth, there are always two good reasons to be who we are. It is how we find love, and it is how we keep the ways of others from sweeping us away.
One thing I am always honest about is how blessed I feel… and how wonderful it is to have found love – and the love that I have found is without compare. That might sound corny, but it's true. In being myself, I found a love so deep and strong that it can carry me over the distance of a separation that is greater than the physical miles; strengthens me when I am low, shows me the reflection of my true self that I strive to release from the cage of my own making and lead the way to the rightness of our 'star.'
So I remind myself – there is no need to offer a solution to every problem; no need to get to the bottom of every mystery… just be. Only love. I know, I've said it before - more than once - but that doesn't mean I don't mean it. I do want to be that ideal self that I once was and will be again.
If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in
the world and following the wrong god
home we may miss our star.
--William Stafford
For a long time, I thought that keeping who I am to myself was the same thing as being myself quietly. I discovered it is not.
I am generally honest about who and what I am. In my heart and mind I am completely so, but I am often swayed by fear. I'm not afraid of what others might think, per se, (though I am sometimes so afraid of perceived conflict and that prevents me from speaking), more the fear is self imposed… a fear that I am not good enough - so I strive to be better, to do as I think others would do, or would have me do, and so have allowed myself to become swept away. I'll search for a solution, when inside my heart is telling me there is no need. Just acknowledge the matter, give of yourself and continue on. It's what I always used to do, and is more helpful than trying to 'help.' I know this, so why to I persist in following the 'wrong god home'?
Like everyone, I have worries and troubles and fears. I think my problem generally is that I don't talk about them and express them as much as I should, because I don't want to burden others with them. That's always something that's been a part of me – not wanting to put my problems onto other people, but that's led to being in this place of keeping too much to myself, when that never used to be a problem before. That has to stop if I'm going to be myself in the way I want to – to meet my ideal. Instead of being one of those kinds of flowers that curls up when touched, and opens when not – I need to be one of those glorious huge stinkweeds, on display for all to see… well – maybe not a stinkweed, but… a flower that might tremble if you brush your hand against me, but I'll show you who I am, and be present in your fragrance as you are in mine.
In truth, there are always two good reasons to be who we are. It is how we find love, and it is how we keep the ways of others from sweeping us away.
One thing I am always honest about is how blessed I feel… and how wonderful it is to have found love – and the love that I have found is without compare. That might sound corny, but it's true. In being myself, I found a love so deep and strong that it can carry me over the distance of a separation that is greater than the physical miles; strengthens me when I am low, shows me the reflection of my true self that I strive to release from the cage of my own making and lead the way to the rightness of our 'star.'
So I remind myself – there is no need to offer a solution to every problem; no need to get to the bottom of every mystery… just be. Only love. I know, I've said it before - more than once - but that doesn't mean I don't mean it. I do want to be that ideal self that I once was and will be again.
