Contradictions
May. 22nd, 2011 02:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
…What is difficult at this juncture is to resist either complying with how others see us or withholding who we really are.
I'm having tremendous difficulty with this particular Daily Awakening… technically yesterdays, (Friday's) because I'm just so overwhelmed right now with things that I touched on in the update post below: tiredness, the feeling of not being listened to professionally, disappearing time, lack of creativity/stifled creativity… all of which, I guess, means that I'm withholding who and what I really am.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling highly stressed right now, and that's affecting my general wellbeing. I'm feeling depressed, I'm feeling unappreciated and I'm feeling criticised – not about anything specific, just in general – a product of being stressed I'm sure, but still I'll roll over and play dead… agree… apologise… even if, inside, there's a part of me fizzing and crackling, and hurt and annoyed because I feel that whatever criticism is unjustified and unfair – untrue – back to the whole 'avoiding conflict' thing.
It frustrates me, that I suppress myself this way, and so I become less productive, less creative, more listless – and so I end up stuck in a vicious cycle of my own creation. It's stupid, I know, but I haven't got the energy to help it right now, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it… and yet there's
If I contradict myself, I contradict myself.
I contain multitudes.
--Walt Whitman
…What is difficult at this juncture is to resist either complying with how others see us or withholding who we really are.
I'm having tremendous difficulty with this particular Daily Awakening… technically yesterdays, (Friday's) because I'm just so overwhelmed right now with things that I touched on in the update post below: tiredness, the feeling of not being listened to professionally, disappearing time, lack of creativity/stifled creativity… all of which, I guess, means that I'm withholding who and what I really am.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling highly stressed right now, and that's affecting my general wellbeing. I'm feeling depressed, I'm feeling unappreciated and I'm feeling criticised – not about anything specific, just in general – a product of being stressed I'm sure, but still I'll roll over and play dead… agree… apologise… even if, inside, there's a part of me fizzing and crackling, and hurt and annoyed because I feel that whatever criticism is unjustified and unfair – untrue – back to the whole 'avoiding conflict' thing.
It frustrates me, that I suppress myself this way, and so I become less productive, less creative, more listless – and so I end up stuck in a vicious cycle of my own creation. It's stupid, I know, but I haven't got the energy to help it right now, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it… and yet there's
