...and Three Steps Back
May. 4th, 2011 01:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
To always analyse and problem solve and observe and critiize what we encounter turns our brains into heavy calluses.
It does exactly the same if not worse to our emotions too.
I woke up this morning (Monday) feeling the desire to do not to think or to live in a headspace, but I wanted to just do stuff. I did. I had a blitz... I tidied, I laundered, I cleaned, I shopped (yes, I loved that this time, because I was shopping not just for groceries, but for cookies... yes it took longer than the hour I had allowed myself but in the end that didn't matter), and I also cooked. I made cookies. As well as all that, on the way out to the car I saw a ciccada on its back on the table outside, and adjusted my path to turn it right side up. I felt very alive.
It was wonderful connecting with myself that way. Not thinking about things, just doing them - living in what I was doing.
Did I have a means to an end, yes, probably so but is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with wanting to spoil the woman you love? I don't think so, not at all. To me that made the wanting of doing this all the more special.
Eventually we got home, had a lovely dinner (well okay it was nothing special, but I enjoyed it anyway), and ate some of the cookies I'd made for dessert - smores no-bake cookies. Very sticky, but very good.
Then settled down to watch some comedy central until it was time for Sanctuary. I love listening to the new comics too, all very funny, but I really must start remembering everyone's names.
I knew Mir was tired, what with her hip and all, so didn't worry too much when she fell asleep, it was enough to be there if she needed anything, and didn't worry her too much when she fell back to sleep after waking up to find out there was no Druit in the sanctuary episode - when the hell are they going to bring him back? - I just did, allowed things to happen as they needed... (and yay me... this was a step forward).
Until I didn't...
And that's when, without ever intenting do, I ruined the day... definitely for myself, and I'm sure for Mir too. I let my head start thinking, started getting frustrated when I couldn't wake her up at bed time. She was comfortable, and sleeping, I should have left her to sleep. And through overthinking and second guessing myself, I just ended up getting myself all worked up and upset.
I'm sure if I hadn't upset myself in thinking how bad it was to just 'abandon' her and go to bed without her (this is how my stupid head was thinking about it, not at all the reality of what was going on), then I would have been able to doze off and she would have woken me up when she did come to bed eventually by snuggling up to me or some such.
Instead I overthough, and second guessed, and ending up feeling bad for not being there with her, (and thinking it was maybe a romantic gesture to get up and go and join her), I grabbed my pillow and went to nestle down beside her there in the living room. But by this time as I said I'd upset myself unnecessarily, as I've said before, and ending up in tears woke her up... and what I'd tried to do in a romantic gesture, ended up being anything but, and we both went to bed in a less than romantic frame of mind.
I try to hard, when I 'think' when I try to 'problem solve.' I'm far happier (and I think others around me are too), when I just do. When I'm being who I am.
So after a wonderful start to being more myself again at Bealtainne, I feel rather like I've taken a whole bunch of steps backward in this one thing. I'm not very happy with myself about it right now.
Live in your hands
and your mind will learn
to bow like a root.
To always analyse and problem solve and observe and critiize what we encounter turns our brains into heavy calluses.
It does exactly the same if not worse to our emotions too.
I woke up this morning (Monday) feeling the desire to do not to think or to live in a headspace, but I wanted to just do stuff. I did. I had a blitz... I tidied, I laundered, I cleaned, I shopped (yes, I loved that this time, because I was shopping not just for groceries, but for cookies... yes it took longer than the hour I had allowed myself but in the end that didn't matter), and I also cooked. I made cookies. As well as all that, on the way out to the car I saw a ciccada on its back on the table outside, and adjusted my path to turn it right side up. I felt very alive.
It was wonderful connecting with myself that way. Not thinking about things, just doing them - living in what I was doing.
Did I have a means to an end, yes, probably so but is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with wanting to spoil the woman you love? I don't think so, not at all. To me that made the wanting of doing this all the more special.
Eventually we got home, had a lovely dinner (well okay it was nothing special, but I enjoyed it anyway), and ate some of the cookies I'd made for dessert - smores no-bake cookies. Very sticky, but very good.
Then settled down to watch some comedy central until it was time for Sanctuary. I love listening to the new comics too, all very funny, but I really must start remembering everyone's names.
I knew Mir was tired, what with her hip and all, so didn't worry too much when she fell asleep, it was enough to be there if she needed anything, and didn't worry her too much when she fell back to sleep after waking up to find out there was no Druit in the sanctuary episode - when the hell are they going to bring him back? - I just did, allowed things to happen as they needed... (and yay me... this was a step forward).
Until I didn't...
And that's when, without ever intenting do, I ruined the day... definitely for myself, and I'm sure for Mir too. I let my head start thinking, started getting frustrated when I couldn't wake her up at bed time. She was comfortable, and sleeping, I should have left her to sleep. And through overthinking and second guessing myself, I just ended up getting myself all worked up and upset.
I'm sure if I hadn't upset myself in thinking how bad it was to just 'abandon' her and go to bed without her (this is how my stupid head was thinking about it, not at all the reality of what was going on), then I would have been able to doze off and she would have woken me up when she did come to bed eventually by snuggling up to me or some such.
Instead I overthough, and second guessed, and ending up feeling bad for not being there with her, (and thinking it was maybe a romantic gesture to get up and go and join her), I grabbed my pillow and went to nestle down beside her there in the living room. But by this time as I said I'd upset myself unnecessarily, as I've said before, and ending up in tears woke her up... and what I'd tried to do in a romantic gesture, ended up being anything but, and we both went to bed in a less than romantic frame of mind.
I try to hard, when I 'think' when I try to 'problem solve.' I'm far happier (and I think others around me are too), when I just do. When I'm being who I am.
So after a wonderful start to being more myself again at Bealtainne, I feel rather like I've taken a whole bunch of steps backward in this one thing. I'm not very happy with myself about it right now.
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-04 01:03 am (UTC)Anyway, it doesn't matter now because though the medication isn't working as I'd hoped, I can sit up and even settle on my side without /too/ much worry and I should be able to be kicked again in a night or two. If I put up with it all this time before, I can do it now. You're not here for very long and I won't have you upset or thinking you aren't important to me. The focus must always be on you. That's the way it is. :)