Confused

[cedar_grove]

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

As the sun cannot withhold its light,
we cannot withhold what feels real.

It is so simple and yet so brave to say that we are hurt when we are hurt, that we are sad when we are sad, that we are scared when we are scared. In very direct and daily ways, this energy of realness-this mana-changed situations because the immediate expression of our truth released light and warmth that influences the life we are a part of. This is the way our spirit shines.

I'm not a brave person. I'm the first to admit that. Perhaps that's why I stopped saying such things... because it hurts more when you've been that brave and haven't been taken notice of - or have been castigated for it, which is even worse. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about today. I've covered it to death elsewhere, and I wanted to think of one of those things that I haven't said, that I've been keeping bottled inside, which actually I realised in the very early hours of this morning.

I don't think I'd actually been asleep for long, and I don't know what woke me, or what I was dreaming about but... it was dark. I mean really dark. Living in the city, with a lot of light polution, I don't get that very often... and having a street light or two right outside of my window, even with the curtains closed, it's never completely dark... but when I woke, the street lights were out, and it was very very dark.

I came to admit something to myself... something I've previously realised, but kind of swept away, dismissed, denied.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Feels silly. Only little kids are afraid of the dark. There's nothing there in the dark that's not there in the light... right? And it's really silly to stay in the middle of your bed so that whatever's down there on the floor, within reach of the edge of it doesn't get you...

But that's what I found myself doing, for several long minutes actually - I have no idea how long exactly, because of course I have no clock in my room, have to rely on my phone to see what time it is, and to do that I have to reach out past the end of my bed and... it was dark.

I calmed down after a while... so whether it was just made more accute by whatever it was I was dreaming about before I woke up, I don't know, but the feeling was there.

I'm afraid of the dark - and if there's an atmosphere too - forget it. It's a shame though, because I don't much enjoy the light polution either.

However, give me starlight, and moonlight... now that is beautiful, right there.

Sometimes I think I'm a very confused kind of person.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I wish I'd gone in this direction, talked about a fear or hurt or something that I hadn't usually done. I'm going to have to copy your idea and actually use the entries to talk about something I /haven't/ usually talked about... Maybe that'll be my goal for April, the entire month, just use the entry as a big reveal of myself or something... *shrug* It does get repetitive if you keep answering otherwise, I think. And I've been trying to just relate the book's entry with something that happened in my day... It worked well enough, but today I realized just how repetitive it is to do it that way. Onward for next month, for me.

I'm sorry you have that fear because I enjoy darkness... there are the moments when I think Gamma gets a /little/ too close to me and I get spooked no end, but... for the most part I really enjoy it. Not so much since Johnathan, I have to admit. I think being afraid of the dark is one of those original, primal fears though... you fear the dark because it dulls the senses and things can hide there.

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good idea for April. I mean, sometimes the posts you want to make for the entries do leap out and bite you from something that happened in the day. But revealing things through April sounds good.

My fear of the dark strengthens and weakens... it's one of the reasons I had trouble sleeping with the bedroom door open, but I've gotten used to that now, so it doesn't bother me, the dark outside the door is just the kitchen - and there's the security light anyway... And just to be perverse, sometimes I like the dark, so long as I know where the light is, if you get what I mean?

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

You know.. it's just as dark with the door open as closed. ;)

I wish there were some way that we could do a month of pre-reading the pages, then telling each other what we want to know. Like "well this is about telling truths, so what are you afraid of" or .. "This is about being honest, so honestly, what's the one thing I do that drives you insane." I just don't see how we'd do that though, not the way we're doing things now.. I think it would change the meaning of it all. We could always do it /next/ year when we've already been through the book once... Or work out the logistics of it by December or something? Or just totally drop it. ;)

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

I like the idea of doing something like that next year, yes. Though I'd like to go through the whole book at least once. Maybe we should put questions and things in a book, or something ready for when we want to do our own questions... I don't want to totally drop doing something altogether.

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

Hm... The only thing with putting questions in a book is that by the time we get around to it, the questions will be answered. Wait until the moment of asking the question.. and you can't think of anything unique... Using a book or a prompt of some kind to think.. hm.. what question would I ask my friends... I kind of like that idea because it is so totally random and not just "Well this happened to me again today, does it happen to anyone else?"