A Need to Be Held
Feb. 16th, 2011 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
Though some of us were trained to carry the sadness and pain of others, the fiber of the one heart we were given is strong and light enough by itself to bring us to the wind that is whispering, Let down, let go, the world will carry you.
This is probably not the day to be doing this one, or perhaps it is entirely the right day.
Today I woke up feeling at best fragile. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It's no one's 'fault' I just woke up feeling this way. Several hours later, after my oversensitive 'overreaction' to a couple of things said and done, I've ended up feeling very down... just not good enough.
I'll shake it by retreating into 'doing' I expect, because for all the wisdom in the core reading today, I can't help but feeling that 'hold me' translates to the need to be coddled. I know, intellectually, that it doesn't... but after years of emotional abuse - and I can't name it as anything else now that I've started examining it - where basically I was told by him that being an emotional being was a bad thing (it's more complicated than that, but that's kind of it in a nutshell), it's hard to shake that belief... even when I'm in such a blessed place now that if I could ask, I know it would happen...
I can clearly remember the moment that negative belief was burned into the heart of me as a lasting wound. I was terribly terribly sad and afraid, and lying beside this person who had promised to nurture and protect me, to care for me, I reached out, wanting to be held... needing to be. His arms came around me, but with the absence of feeling, habit rather than connection. I said, "I can't deal with this." I didn't want him to carry the burden of my sadness and pain, I didn't want anything other than to be held, properly, and maybe after I'd calmed down a little we could have talked it through. Instead he answered, "You're going to have to." and let go, then turned over to lie with his back to me.
Some time after that moment, hindsight tells me, was when I stopped asking to be held, and the negative spiral of dealing in a totally different way became well and truly ingrained.
I need to dare that the strength of love I now share will be my 'sander' that can take away the stain by sanding it away.
I feel sad today. Please hold me.
Atlas wasn't forced to hold up the world.
He was convinced that if he didn't,
the world would fall.
Though some of us were trained to carry the sadness and pain of others, the fiber of the one heart we were given is strong and light enough by itself to bring us to the wind that is whispering, Let down, let go, the world will carry you.
This is probably not the day to be doing this one, or perhaps it is entirely the right day.
Today I woke up feeling at best fragile. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It's no one's 'fault' I just woke up feeling this way. Several hours later, after my oversensitive 'overreaction' to a couple of things said and done, I've ended up feeling very down... just not good enough.
I'll shake it by retreating into 'doing' I expect, because for all the wisdom in the core reading today, I can't help but feeling that 'hold me' translates to the need to be coddled. I know, intellectually, that it doesn't... but after years of emotional abuse - and I can't name it as anything else now that I've started examining it - where basically I was told by him that being an emotional being was a bad thing (it's more complicated than that, but that's kind of it in a nutshell), it's hard to shake that belief... even when I'm in such a blessed place now that if I could ask, I know it would happen...
I can clearly remember the moment that negative belief was burned into the heart of me as a lasting wound. I was terribly terribly sad and afraid, and lying beside this person who had promised to nurture and protect me, to care for me, I reached out, wanting to be held... needing to be. His arms came around me, but with the absence of feeling, habit rather than connection. I said, "I can't deal with this." I didn't want him to carry the burden of my sadness and pain, I didn't want anything other than to be held, properly, and maybe after I'd calmed down a little we could have talked it through. Instead he answered, "You're going to have to." and let go, then turned over to lie with his back to me.
Some time after that moment, hindsight tells me, was when I stopped asking to be held, and the negative spiral of dealing in a totally different way became well and truly ingrained.
I need to dare that the strength of love I now share will be my 'sander' that can take away the stain by sanding it away.
I feel sad today. Please hold me.
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Date: 2011-02-17 07:39 am (UTC)Hope you are feeling better today.
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Date: 2011-03-27 07:48 pm (UTC)Why the hell don't you just /tell/ me you want to settle down someplace? Some of my best daydreams are curled up with you on the blanket on the floor, under the window or outside or in bed... talking or reading. You know this.. I just... I don't want you to be afraid to say "I want to finish that book" or to have the 'bed' made out on the floor with snacks and hot cider when I come home and be afraid to have either of those things clearly mean "I need to be held." I'm a terrible man not to do it often enough for you anyway, I hate to think we can't make plans to do the same things we do spontaneously.