A Wounded Heart

[cedar_grove]

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Beneath most headaches
is a heartache.

Often we find it easier to think our way around things rather than to feel our way through them: What can we do to pull ourselves out of a bad mood? What can we buy, remove or repair that will reduce or solve a loved one's anger or sadness?

I'm tremendously guilty of this... particularly of late... by which I mean in the last several years, not necessarily just days or weeks.

Ironically, I do this because I was told that this is what I should do - that reacting to something with feelings, that feeling the way through a problem, experiencing the emotions and everything that goes along with them was the wrong thing to do

That message went against everything I knew, and everything that I was... it was contrary to the very fabric of who I am. Did I listen to the Robbie inside my head and heart that stood there saying 'Danger, Will Robinson, Danger?' No I did not. I went along with this person, bought his message, invested in his plan to... well whatever the hell his plan was... and ended up in the filthy mess I'm in now.

If you detect a little hurt or bitterness in those words, it's hardly surprising - it's because it's there. Because once you buy into the 'what can I do' problem solving for dealing with these kinds of issues it is almost impossible to get out of them... and for me, has ended up causing no end of conflict, because instead of giving an emotional comfort when one is needed, I end up 'overthinking' the whole thing, and then either the moment passes, and I've ended up giving the impression that I don't care, or I've suggested something totally inappropriate with the same effect, compounded by having now annoying the loved one who was already hurting. Worse still, I know I do it... and seem to be helpless to stop it. So yes, I'm bitter.

There was a time when I felt emotionally wise... I was able to 'think emotionally' - feel my way through things - express emotions in a way that was supportive and loving and showed those I care about how much I value their emotions. Somewhere inside, I hope, even if that somewhere is in a repressed little corner inside of me somewhere, that wisdom still exists, along with the mantle of the person I was. Now, however, I feel somewhat emotionally bereft... in a state of emotional poverty. Not that I don't feel - just that I no longer express that feeling - not longer feel able to be guided by the feelings as I once was. As a result, I fear that my entire balance is off.

I need to find my way to that way of thinking once again... and not really even for my own sake. Could this be a case of 'Physician, heal thyself?'

Comments

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

You know, the more I read these entries, and think about how I feel and what I do.. I am starting to realize that distance is what is doing this to us. It's not hurting our relationship at all, but it's hurting our feelings and kind of like kicking your feet around in a lake, it muddies the water of the relationship a little bit. The lake is still there, there's just more sand in it and it'll settle after a time too.

I'm just sitting here realizing that when we have long stays together, we're more relaxed, we're not rushing through our time, putting pressure on ourselves or each other to do just the right thing at just the right moment. When you're here for the summer or even for a longer winter break... It's a little more of "Well, what should we do... let's do this..." instead of "We have to do this before you go." That changes things and it changes the handling of emotional stuff too, makes you feel like if you don't react instantly instead of just letting things happen and going easy with them, it'll ruin the entire day or week or whatever. It's a pressure, I think... there's a part of this that we simply can't control unless we have the time to do it.

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

I understand what you mean, and I think you're right. When we have longer together, we /are/ more relaxed. In that respect, I'm looking forward to this coming break which will be longer than usual. Yes, that brings different considerations in other areas, but from an emotional point of view, I really believe that we need this longer time together. It will be good for us.

And as a complete aside, we will be able to watch the derby together... assuming it's on somewhere!

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

Of course the Derby's on somewhere. Remember now all three legs of the triple crown are away from ABC, which made me worry for oaks coverage and all that ESPN usually does.

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

Yes, I remember now.