Snuffles, Ducks and Squeaks

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

It's hard to tell the truth, but once told, it's
hard to keep it back.
--Sharon Green

All the while, the power of being hidden keeps us from the vitality of living, and so the healing value of telling the truth is in how it returns us to the pulse of what is sacred

Wednesday 14th
I haven't been well. Mir told me yesterday that I'm always sick, and I couldn't really argue the fact. I often am – even if it's only with a headache...or with the snuffles. Those snuffles runs in the family I'm afraid. My mum gave me that little gem. Whatever it is, dust allergies or something means that I'm often sneezing, which means that my sinuses suffer... *shrug* I can't do more than live with that. Other things, I don't know really. I guess I don't consider it – if I'm well or not, I mean. I don't feel I'm /always/ sick, but then I guess I don't mention feeling well, and I do say when I'm /not/ feeling well? I don't know. I mean I don't want to keep it hidden when I'm not feeling on top form, but I also don't want to make anyone worry – and it concerns me that I'm maybe worrying Mir with the amount of times I say I don't feel well. I know I worry about Mir if she says she doesn't feel good. Either way, right now I am sick. I don't know whether it's because it's a new country, and different children, but I have a nasty cold right at the moment – the one that's doing the rounds of the school. I'm drinking lots of juice, and eating lots of fruit to get vitamin C in the hope of getting rid of it quickly.

I mentioned yesterday, also, that I should give some thoughts to my wishes for the returning light time of the year. I'm hoping that one of the things that returns with the light in this upcoming seasonal change is my clarity and my ability to be clear to others. It's quite upsetting that I'm not being understood – and I know I only have myself to blame for it, if blame is the right word – no one else can do it for me after all. So that is one of my biggest wishes and biggest goals for change: Understanding and being clear so I will be understood.

Last year it was 'big ducks' this year it's 'big squeaks' but we're almost down to one 'big squeak' before I will be flying home to spend time with Mir, (and with Christopher – from whom 'big squeak' came, and the other rats), and my family there. I am very much counting the days – the hours even. I'm very excited about being able to spend time with Mir, and it being Christmas time she will have time off from work and we can spend our time together. I can't even begin to say how much I am looking forward to doing that – the thought of it just puts the biggest smile on my face. So just 8 more big ducks – one big squeak and I'll be travelling. Let the countdown begin!

Expectations

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The sun doesn't stop shining
because people are blind.

Rejection and opposition are painful, but being treated as if you don't exist is quietly devastating... and so, we are required to guard against turning our lives over to the expectations of others.

I've been sad today – not that this is related to the quote or the book, but it /is/ important and needs saying – I had a text message that, while I was expecting it (had actually looked at my phone for it a few minutes before it actually arrived), made me feel very sad. Our little Lindsay died. She has been sick for some time, and had stopped eating, so it was not a surprise, but she had been so strong, and so independent, even right up until the last I saw of her on Skype last night, that it was sad to think of her as finally gone. While it means of course that she's not going to suffer, I'll miss her.

This morning, the bus never turned up to pick the staff up from Rehab City. Turns out it broke down, but no one bothered to phone any of us. In the end we all had to take taxis... in small groups of course to keep the costs down but the school's transport manager got it in the neck from management, that's for sure. LOL I got to school a minute or two before the National Anthem. Technically late, but at least on time to be with my kids at registration... it made for a funny story to share with the children, an opportunity for bonding with them – and I took it. The children in my class that live in Rehab seem to think it's funny that my apartment is there too, it's like they expect the teachers to live at the school or something. It was annoying though for the fact that no one bothered to contact us (any of us) to /tell/ us the bus was broken, or to send a different bus, or school cars or something... or even to tell us that we would need to taxi in... like we were just forgotten or something. Oh sure, we were appreciated once we got there, but... this morning, before that, not so much.

I met with the parents of one of my children today. They were worried about their child's report, didn't think her grades were good enough, and wanted to know how they could help her. The child in question is one of the best in my class though, and always tries hard, and works well – talk about 'living to someone else's expectations.' I tried to reassure them that she was doing just fine, but I guess in a fee paying school, parents just expect so much more from their kids. I'm not saying they aren't nice people – they are, they were very warm and welcoming – and friendly, most of the people here seem to be, but I worry about them pushing their daughter too much... and to think, in England my most common complaint was always that the parents didn't push or care enough.