As An Individual Soul.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

I have just three things to teach:
simplicity, patience, compassion.
These are your greatest treasures.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.
--Lao-tzu

In deep and lasting ways, when we heal ourselves, we heal the world. For as the body is only as healthy as its individual cells, the world is only as healthy as its individual souls.

Friday 25th
I cannot help but wonder if this is also true the other way around also. How much does environmental unrest affect the individual souls within a place or community?

I'm in a place right now where there is a lot of environmental unrest. Where community members are rioting, fighting for what they believe will lead them forward, but in the wider community it's causing those of us outside of that a lot of worry and unrest. It's more pronounced with the colleagues that live closer in to the centre of Cairo, where the unrest reaches out toward them, where it can be heard, and affects them more than it does those of us far away in our gated community, but I have heard small bursts of isolated gunfire coming from outside of Rehab City. It was brief, just maybe three or four shots a couple of times in succession, but it was a reminder of the issues being faced elsewhere in the country.

Normally I would be able to stay up late today, but since tomorrow is a training day for us, it means the weekend will be shorter than usual. While I'm not really phased by that – I'm still adjusting to the fact that the 'weekend' is Friday and Saturday instead of Saturday and Sunday – my colleagues who are used to that have been bemoaning the fact very vocally. The way I see it, it's all PD and we do get a certificate for it, and it's only an afternoon – add to that we have no kids on Monday... *shrug*

Of the Many Things for Which I'm Thankful

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

When you make the two one,
when you make the inner as outer
and the outer as inner-then
shall you enter the kingdom.
--Jesus

But the simplest and deepest way to make who we are at one with the world is through the kinship of gratitude. Nothing brings the words of spirit and earth together more quickly.

Saturday 26th
There are many things I'm thankful for. I spoke a little about this on actual Thanksgiving, but I'm going to go into more detail, both serious and light hearted here.

First of all, I am thankful for love. My guy is more than special, more than all the things a husband is supposed to be. Mir is romantic, protective, supportive, loving, all the things I could hope for. Her love is a true presence in my heart that keeps me sane, that warms me when I am cold, lifts me when I am down, guides me when I am lost. Even from such a distance, her love is what allows me to feel safe, wanted, needed and appreciated, from moment to moment, from the now into the future. I love her so much, that words cannot do justice to the power of our love in my life.

Linked with that, I'm thankful for the job I have... even though the experience of moving has been hard, has brought up challenges that I had not anticipated, I am thankful for those experiences, and for the ability – finally – to contribute to our future together... even for the simple ability to go out and buy groceries, other necessities... a gift.

I'm thankful for my family on both sides; my small family in England and my larger family in the USA. They too have been helpful and supportive. Things would have been a lot harder without them.

I'm thankful for my faith, and the guides that walk with me through my life's path. Though I have been neglectful of them, deep down my faith has not wavered, and all are still there for me, like warm arms waiting to welcome me back into the fold, and to continue with me along my way

I'm thankful for the friends I have, those I left behind at home, and those new friends I have made since coming here. Where the school did not do all that it could have to make the move here easy, those new friends took up the slack – helping me to find a place to live, helping me to become more acclimated in my new area. All my friends are friends to cherish.

I'm thankful for my health. It's not always perfect, but I'm well enough that I'm not limited by it, for its lack. I'm thankful for my gifts in writing, in imagination for both writing and when I read. I'm thankful for a love of music and the arts. I'm thankful for my courage in being able to do as I have done and take these opportunities that the Universe has placed in my lap.

Finally, on a more light-hearted note, I'm thankful that we thrashed the pants off of Duke and kept the Bell! Come on, it's UNC... thrashing Duke...! What's not to be thankful for. :D

Change

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

There is a vastness that quiets the soul. But
sometimes we are so squarely in the midst of
life's forces that we can't see what we're a
part of.

Sooner or later, without discipline or devotion, despite our resolutions and mistakes, we each must sleep. We must surrender to the quieting of all intent and regret, so that the small light of the beginning can rise in us, again and again.

Sunday 27th
The truth about morning is that sometimes it dawns so sharply and brightly with such a light that it strips away all that we would hide within and behind. Sometimes its dawning is harsh. Such an awakening has – of necessity – come to me.

There can be no excuses, no procrastination, no waiting and complaining... now there must be action, an acceptance of, and adherence to the pledges and promises that I have made. I can't keep on taking without giving... and I must listen in order to hear. I can't expect it all to wash over me passive in my life, I must become active, I must maintain my commitment to change – for the better.

Part of that is a return to the quiet of my centre where that "light of beginning" dwells. A bigger part of it is to simply be present in my life, in my relationships. I've let down the one person I never wanted to fail, and I won't accept that. I'm more sorry about perpetuating the negative feelings than I can possibly say. Now it changes. Now I return, step by step.

Cyber Monday on Two Continents

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Sincerity is that which flows out of your
genuine innermost self. Without this, honesty
is mistaken and insufficient. It is like trying to
move in a boat without an oar.
--Mochimasa Hikita

So to place ourselves in the light and to see each other from inside are the most important skills we can learn.

Monday 28th
I woke early today after a night with little sleep, and took the opportunity to meditate, not passively, but actively – moving with the first of small steps into the promise I have made. I feel like it has made a difference, small – perhaps others would see it as insignificant – but a step none the less. I am going to continue with this small moments of meditation, moving up to something more akin to what I used to do, and ultimately keeping the journal online that I said I was going to do – placing myself in the light.

Cyber Monday is today, and Mir has ordered her pants, not quite as good a deal as last year, but still good enough. I'm glad for that, as I feel a little bit guilty that all of her other pants have shrunk. I don't understand why that is, because I followed the wash-care instructions, I always do... yes it's possible that I made a mistake one time, it's easily done, but... we had a chuckle about it, over the summer, about how a pair of pants the same size as another could be so much smaller – almost a size smaller, I kid you not. I made an order myself today to. I wondered about keeping it for Christmas, but I'd rather that Mir has it right away when it comes. I can sort some other things for Christmas – things from here. I think that would be nice, for both of us.

Going Home

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The angel seeing us is watching
through each other's eyes.
--Rickie Lee Jones

But like the summer sun I chase to feel it set on my face, I am not it, nor is it me. Yet between us rises an unrelenting beauty that no one can have, though we can't live without it.

Tuesday 29th
While I'm writing this, Mir is just finishing work, and then going to take my little boy, McKay, to the vet to have his ears checked, (as well as injections for other ratties). I find myself sitting imagining going with her and the rats to the vet... part of living life as our family. Over the summer I spent a lot of time with taking the rats to the vets, and being with the rats at home. I miss that part of our family life as much as I miss being with Mir herself. Our family is a beautiful one; for all that people don't understand what it is to have rattie babies.

I finally managed to get my flight booked today for my journey home at Christmas. It was something that I sorely needed to do. It was something that was in some way that I can't explain, except to say that it was a lingering fear that I wouldn't get home, but with that done, I feel like a great weight has lifted away. I think maybe it has lifted away for Mir as well. I hope it has.

I'm looking forward to going home, to be there with Mir, to sharing our time together, going to Biltmore together, cleaning up the spider webs and getting rid of the spiders so that I can make things comfortable for Mir at home. I'm looking forward to being able to go out together to the movies, or to dinner, but most of all I'm looking forward to just being together... truly being together.

(no subject)

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

What we hold dear
can heal the world.

I have since, when the time proved right, given away other precious things I have lived with-crystals and books and personal treasures I have long enshrined. For only in use do they again become healing. It is the giving of what is dear that helps us cross the river.

Wednesday 30th
Mir has her collection of special stones; stones that she picks up when she goes somewhere special, somewhere new... and of course she has her rock boy. Reading today's entry I was thinking about what 'personal treasures' I might have, might have collected – physical objects, I mean.

Yes I have my crystals, the ones I got when we went to downtown Asheville as well as the ones I got when we drove up to Laurel the last time we went. I also have my chakra stones, that I brought with me so that I can start to use them in my meditations, but most of my precious objects are memories – memories and words.

I have given some thought, several times, to creating some kind of medicine bag. I had one, at some point, something I made, sewed out of sued that i could keep my stones and my journal and other things inside... but one by one the objects lost their meaning, and the bag I made remains folded up and stored away. Perhaps this is an example of hanging on to things so long that they become useless to us and healing to no one. In exploring concepts and ideas, these are my thoughts. I'd like to try and build up my collection again, so I'm in a position to give things away for the healing and for love of others. Right now all I can give is words and memories, and often that is not enough for other people to hold on to.

In other news, Mir went to see Breaking Dawn with Kami today. It will be interesting to see what it's like, to see how much Chris is in it... I'd like to go and see it with her, so hopefully it won't be so bad that she'll hate to go and see it again.

To Melt and Change Shape

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Dreams are candles
to help us through the dark.
Once used, they have to melt.

Living up to a dream is rarely as important as entering it for all it has to teach.

Thursday 1st
When I was younger I wanted to be an actress. I did a lot of things as an amateur, and eventually took A-level theatre studies, and even auditioned for several drama schools, but ultimately it didn't happen. It taught me that the profession is a lot harder than most people think it is, and one has to really persevere to get anywhere.

Thinking about it now though, I wonder how much of that was an expression of my desire for creativity, or more accurately for an expression of the creativity that exists inside me, because now of course, there is the writing that I do... that has kind of taken over as the 'dream' I aim for.

I tried to do NaNo this year, but real life circumstances were not conducive to finishing the challenge, but that doesn't mean the dream of getting Use'ara finished and published is gone, just... changed. Creativity can't be forced, and if I had kept going regardless of everything else, I think the novel would have suffered. It is better that I stopped until such time as I can give it the attention it deserves. The nature of the dream still exists, it has just changed... become more patient. So it won't be ready for Christmas, as was my original dream (way back before NaNo...), but eventually it will be ready – and all the better for it's 'new shape.'

Learning to 'Read'

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Yours is to live it, not to reveal it.
--Helen Luke

This lesson applies to us all. If we devote ourselves to the life at hand, the rest will follow. For life, it seems, reveals itself through those willing to live. Anything else, no matter how beautiful, is just advertising.

Friday 2nd
I woke up this morning not feeling so good – I'd had a little bit of a poor tummy when I went to bed, so had taken some pepto and gone to sleep, but was still feeling a little delicate come morning – delicate in spirit too, I think... so I decided that what I needed was some fresh air.

By this time it was lunch time, and as I stepped out of my apartment, the Call to Prayer was sounding from the many mosques in the area where I live, the sounds overlapping each other in some kind of great spiritual echo. It sounds like it should have been noisy and intrusive, but it was actually a very peaceful and settling experience; peaceful because everywhere was so quiet, as all of my 'neighbours' had gone to their prayer, entered into a spiritual state.

I just walked in the sunshine, my own spiritual experience, contemplating, entering into the day that was upon me. I had been right, it was just what I needed.

Eventually my steps brought me to the local mall, (one of two in Rehab City). I needed to find a gift for the Christmas party I went to, I also needed to get one or two dishtowels for my apartment so I can actually dry my dishes. I was walking around the store – still very quiet, because people were still at, or just coming out of prayer, and looking at the signs saying the prices of things. I should mention this is a 'discount' store...so things are very reasonable there. In the store, the 'discount' prices are written out in Arabic only – you have to look at the little sticky price label on the individual items to see the numerals that most of us are used to. So I looked at one of the signs, contemplating it for a long time while I tried to read the numbers. One is easy, it's just a line, just like a one, the next digit looked like a backward 7, which I know is the numeral for 2, because it's my apartment number, and the last digit is a little diamond shape, like a period written with an italic pen.. a 0... so I figured that what I was looking at something that cost 120LE. So I looked at the sticky label to see if I was right, and I was. It was just a small triumph – a small moment in 'living in the now' but I felt accomplished – It made me feel a little bit more secure.

My number recognition skills were further tested later as I was trying to find the apartment where the party was being held, in block 95, building 13. The nine was easy, because it's the same, and I know the 5, (which looks like a 0), because it's the bus number that comes by my apartment that goes to the bus station, so that was easy, but by the time I'd found the apartment, thought of number recognition went out of my head, I was tired, moving into a different moment – the moment of meeting colleagues (including my two immediate supervisors, the head and deputy head of primary, who where hosting the party) in a social setting. It went much better than I expected. I hadn't been at all sure about going, but very much enjoyed myself while I was there. The 'Secret Santa' was done in a way I'd never experienced before – rather like pass the parcel, when the music stopped the person with the parcel got that gift. It was quite hilarious really. So now I have a new mug and saucer, with camels on, a very nice gift actually, because I need crockery in my apartment!

The most surreal part of the evening, though, had to be when Mark and I were talking about the fact that New Zealand, where he comes from, was cool because it had Lord of the Rings, only to have him reveal that he has been skiing down Mount Doom.