A Show Of Solidarity

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Even the clearest water seems opaque at great depth.
--Joel Agee

If revelation is the brief experience of seeing through the surface, into ourselves or others, then wisdom is the recall of that seeing when the waters are murky.

I wasn't quite sure how Friday was going to go. I was going to go back to 'my' school, the day after their Ofsted Inspection, and wasn't sure how they got on, if they would be happy, or worried, or feeling down – so I just went there, and tried to be normal…

I got there, people seemed to be happy enough… (all except the deputy, and she had a face like thunder when she came up to get sauce for her lunch). I asked of the teachers that I know the best in that school, how did it go, being supportive and they said they didn't know yet. I expressed my hopes that it would all be okay, and my continued support, and went about my day.

It only occurred to me hours after I got home that I may not have been given a truthful answer. Based on my own experiences with Ofsted and inspection – one is generally told on the final day of inspection, even if it's after school hours. Now… yes, it could be the SLT that hadn't passed on the news to the staff, or had told the staff not to say anything to 'outsiders' and yes, I know that technically it's none of my business (apart from the fact that I have to work there on three days of the week), but I care, you know? I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of good and bad news from Ofsted.

To Feel Your Love

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

This night will pass...
Then we have work to do...
Everything has to do
with loving and not loving...
--Rumi

…our heart must stay unobstructed for the next feeling we encounter.

Shadows… as people I think we carry around the shadows of feelings far too much. I know I'm guilty of that more than most people. I don't mean I hold grudges, or anything like that, just that feelings linger in my heart well past the time that I should let them go, and then, as the above quote suggests, having 'room' for the next feeling is hard.

On the other hand there are things I want to hold on to: most of all the feeling of being loved and wanted – needed, (and I mean that in a good way). It's sad to say that there are very few people that actually kindle that feeling in my heart, and even then it's a fight against my own insecurities… which manifests in me being a 'needy' person myself. I hate when I get like that. I'm sure insecurities are just leftover feelings that have 'gone bad' inside one's heart.

The one person that consistently blesses me with the sharing of those good feelings, of know I'm loved, wanted and needed is my wonderful husband, my guy… who, even in ways that other people wouldn't see as such, I'm sure, lets me know that I'm loved. It's in the challenge; rather than just smothering me in 'there there dear.' It's in those times we're together and can just curl up and be. It's in the fact that she is always there for me, even when I'm so shut up inside of myself that I can't see past my own nose. I know these things and feel them, and the fact that I want to hear the words, 'I love you' sometimes makes me frustrated with myself, because they're already there in everything else, and that need is just my 'neediness' manifesting itself.

I'm blessed that it's so – for many people it isn't, for many couples it isn't. I worry that I don't show enough the other way… that I don't reflect that I feel loved. I don't know if that makes sense.

So… I need to empty to be full again… to reflect what I need to reflect, to be what I need to be. I took a walk to the store. The sky was dark, black… it was just raining in the air and dad called to me to take a brolly. I called back, no… I didn't want to… and all the way to the store the rain came down on me. It was only rain and I didn't mind… in fact, I liked it. Somehow… it made the distance less.

Because I felt the distance today… feeling it more and more as days go past… we were supposed to go out, mum and I. I didn't feel like it, but I went… and I did have a good time, but I wanted to be home, to be 'with' my guy, as much as I can.

I want to be with the one that loves me… that shows me love, and makes me feel wanted, and needed, and loved.

The Weight of the World

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The eyes experience less stress when they can
look upon a wider horizon.
--R.D. Chin

When things feel heavy, reach out to whomever is near and distribute the weight.

I love you, my husband,
My beloved, for you hear me when I speak
And when I cannot speak, feel me.
Know what is in my heart in my waking
And in my sleeping: dreamless and dreaming.
For it is you for whom my hand reaches
When I need contact; you upon whom
I lean when I need support,
And it is you with whom I know
I can share the weights of my world
And you love me all the same
As I love you, beloved.
For you hear me when I speak.

The poem came to me in a rush, because that's the way I feel. I wrote earlier in the week about not feeling able to speak when I should because I feel I'm going to be judged, my guy is the exception, and even so, I don't say enough, or haven't in the past. I like to think I'm getting better at speaking. I'm trying anyway.