I'm Not Superstitious.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Underneath, there is only one emotion.

Once the mind like a long guitar string is somehow plucked with the slightest agitation, there is nothing to do but let it ring itself out.

I don't like Friday the thirteenths, I never have. It's not that I'm particularly superstitious in most cases, but - probably due to the cliched prominance of what most people think to be an auspicious day, I think it's just gotten such a bad press in my mind that I can't shake it... so yes; that and magpies. You will always hear me greet a single magpie and ask after the health of his wife.

So waking up on Friday 13th I tried not to be too agitated, particularly not as we were woken unexpectedly by a phone call from Mir's boss asking her to come into work earlier than she'd expected to go in. She was only working for part of the day though, so that was a good thing, because I was looking forward to her coming home, and us being able to do things until it was time to head out to Megan's rehearsal.

But I was agitated... all the morning, all the day - I couldn't help it. I guess, subconsciously waiting for something to go wrong, and I hate that I was doing that - because really, in the grand scheme of things - nothing did. All I ended up doing was stopping myself from doing most of the things that I'd wanted to get done.

As examples of this date went, actually it was a good enough day, made all the better for the time I was able to spend with Mir.

Who We Are.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

The greatest defense is being who you are.

...it is more a game of see-saw: to keep myself up, or to keep my sense of how I see myself up...

There's nothing like a wedding to bring family together, and to at some point show everyone as they really are, warts and all. It's real, it's honest - and that's a special thing.

And it was special, with lots of people I didn't know before the beginning of the day - or didn't know well - an opportunity to get to know people a little bit. It was great to be able to sit back a little bit and just... people watch - mostly the people in my family.

Even the weather was 'loving' to us today - it just sprinkled us with what I'd like to think of as 'tears of joy' for Megan and Gavin for a few minutes as some of the photographs were being taken. That sounds bizzare, I know, but I really don't care all that much that it does.

There were a few little frustrations at the beginning of the day, but I was determined to keep my calmness, since I figured that was the best way to deal with the tensions around me - and honestly, it really wasn't either all that bad, or all that hard to understand. There are stresses to deal with on a wedding day, different stresses for different people. I said I had made a conscious decision to keep calm to Mir in the car on the way. Just as I was thinking that she had shown aspects how Mom deals with stress, she said the same thing - it was just an observation, not a put down or anything.

Being there with Megan, watching the getting ready process brought back not so distant memories... fond memories, and I'd like to think that Megan will be able to look back at the process of getting ready and feel the same warmth as I did - maybe when she helps out one of her friends, or her cousin... something. But I also knew when it was time for me to leave - let the sisters have the time together (albeit with the bridesmaids), and that was something that reinforced me as who I am. Little things, that's all... fade back into the background and continue the Family watching.

It was great to see Martha and Barry again... such warm people - so caring - well like most of the family really, but somehow... sending it all out as a wave of calm excitement (and I know that's an oxymoron, but it's the truth), and Nancy and Jeff, so bubbly and full of a different kind of happy warmth, and Becky - I think the comment that sums her up was made as we were waiting for the buses to be ready to go: "It's a shame she's not perky." in a tone of deep irony. Makes me chuckle...

Memories, lots of them, good ones, old and new... reinforcing ones, and ones that helped to break down unwanted remnants of things that weren't me... to allow me to be things that are me - not that I mean to say any of it all was about me, just that this is the effect it had on me. I'm sure everyone experienced their own feelings and experience of what was a truly wonderful day... tiring for Megan and Gavin I'm sure, but wonderful none the less.

One thing though - with so many people making the same observations about Mom; so many people worrying about the same kind of things, I truly wish there were some kind of intervention that could help. I doubt there is - I know it's not going to happen, but for Mom's sake, and for the people around her too, it's something I dearly wish. She is as she is though - and only she can make the change, and for that, she has to want to.

Doing What I Needed To Do.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

And then the day came
when the risk to remain
tight in a bud was
more painful than the
risk to bloom.
-Anais Nin

There is no authority to bless our need to enter life but the God within.

To me, this says that we are the ones that must give ourselves the 'permission' to do as we need to live... be a part of life.

We were in petsmart... there was one little rattie all by himself, as often happens in that store. Normally (though only ever playfully, because I hate to see them lonely by themselves just as Mir does too), I would turn to Mir and tell her, "No, we don't have anywhere for him to go." This time tables were turned. I was the one that pointed out that we had a spare cage - a tray table for the cage. We spent part of the journey to the airport trying to figure out what we would call him if we got him... and after running through a host of possible names, both independently came up with one we both liked... it was decided that if we got him that would be his name.

The airport was packed... and both of us hopefully thought, and voiced, that this might mean that the plane was full... that I'd be able to stay another week. Turns out that it's because, with the newer part of the terminal taking in more flights and airlines (presumably moving over from terminal 1), there were more people in terminal 2. I got to go through the new body scanner though - that was exciting... something different. The point though is that I gave myself permission to allow for the possibility - marched right up to the desk at the gate and told them, if they needed anyone to volunteer, I could do that. I had family here, so had a place to stay. The gate agent was nice about it, and said that while they were full, they weren't oversold, so they didn't need volunteers. I'd be prepared to bet she thought I was bonkers or something, but I really don't care. It was what I needed to say and do.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
-Rumi

In truth, we drink from this great paradox daily: though everyone alive shares this moment we are living right now, no one experiences this moment more directly than you.

Landing back at Heathrow, I left a part of myself behind - yearning for the time when I'll return for it to become whole again. Apart, though there are people around me, I am just that - apart - unwhole. I don't know how many people can understand that... if any at all.

Sometimes I think that all the lawmakers in countries that won't allow for two people in love to live as a couple, should be forced to live apart from their spouses - to experience the incredible highs of coming off the plane and into the arms of the one they love - and the crushing blows of having no choice but to walk away in order to safeguard the ability - the permission to come back and spend a precious few days together again.

What arrogance!

But then - I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that such self-righteous superiority exists... You only have to look at the state of the world to know that.