Asked to Stay and Given Leave...?

[cedar_grove]

Her face had the black-blue shine of coal.
Her one bony tooth was red like rust.
Her hair was thick and dense and gray
like brushwood in a dying forest.
In her head was one eye like a pool,
swifter than a star in the winter sky.
That one stone eye in the hag's head
moved quicker than mackerel after a lure.

--Scottish song about the hag goddess

And within those seasons, we have weather: good times and bad ones, and times when we just hang on.

You get those times in your life when those people that are ruled by their head will jump one way, and those ruled by their heart will jump another... and people like me that are ruled by their heart, but way too responsible to not rebel against doing what is in my heart without thought. The responsible side of me says that I should stay where I am, continue to earn a steady wage to pay off the things that need paying, to save for what we want to do, to make life easier - easier all except for the emotional cost, and that is making me ask the question - is it worth it? Isn't there some other way to do the same things?

When I talked things over with Mir, What did I want to hear? She gave me every consideration, and said exactly the same things that practicalities and a responsible answer demands - exactly what I've thought and said about the financial benefits and everything else, and that, rightly (I suppose I have to concede that), the decision has to be mine.

But What did I want to hear? I don't know. Maybe I wanted permission to be irresponsible, of to have the responsibility for the decision taken from me... told I need to come home.

Comments

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

all right fine. the decision is taken away from you and you have to stay. you can't afford to do anything else. if you want to be irresponsible, go ahead and go back to england and live in a cardboard box and never see me again. I'm not about to take that away from you if it's what you want. but something tells me you'd only whine and complain even more of what a horrible shit I was in not being supportive of you if I /supported/ you in this decision to fly away home with your tail tucked between your legs.