Wretched & Miserable

[cedar_grove]

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Walls are worn away a grain at a time,
and hearts are opened a feeling at a time.

...we become convinced, often with good harsh reason, that to voice directly what we need is asking to be hurt.

Thursday 17th

I don't even know where to start today – talking about being hurt. I feel let down by the school – but that a wall that could have taken a while to be chipped down was never really had a chance to be there. Still – as always, I've been feeling uncomfortable to voice my needs – but still had to do it. Talk about being forced to grow up with a slap around the face.

Because the agent said that there were no apartments to look at in Heliopolis, the school pretty much threw up their hands and didn't even bother trying anything else... they told me I'd have to check out of the hotel on Saturday, but that the earliest Hassan (the agent) could show me any apartments at all, was on Saturday. How does that work then?

In the end it didn't, it didn't need to. One of my co-workers offered for me to stay with her until I could find a place, but on the offchance, after going to Vodaphone to get the internet stick, we called into the one of the realtors in Rehab, and they had an apartment they could show me. I liked it, so will be taking it. At least I'll have somewhere to live, but I'm really not impressed with the way things went in respect of the school taking care of staff members.

I stayed with Sarah tonight because the apartment needs cleaning, even though she's going out to her mother in law tomorrow. She said I could stay in her place as long as I needed, or wanted until the apartment is ready.

I have never felt more like I made a bad decision in my life than I do right now. I feel kind of stuck between a rock a rock and a hard place. I made this decision based mostly on the fact that we need the money. I felt good about the fact that I'd got a job, that I was actually being a useful member of society, that I would be able to earn money to take care of my financial obligations, as well as make things easier for Mir and I. I'm not going to give up now. I'll stick it out, but right now, I'm about as far from happy as I could possibly be.

Things feel just so fucked up right now. I fought with Mir because I've been so stressed I've been behaving like an absolute shit and not at all treating her the way I should and the way I want to. I can hardly think straight, so I'm not communicating properly, and that makes things ten times worse... when all I want to do is just fly away from here and just go and bury myself in Mir's arms. I need her strong, steady support – her love, and for her to know that I love her, because I do; both of those, and I've let her feel otherwise... no, not let her - made her. Could I be any more of a wretched human being?

Comments

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

I guess our talks have become fights now, huh? Just flat out fights. Good to know, because here I'd thought we still hadn't had a real fight since we got together, only times when we were upset and talked about it. But okay, we're fighting now. I'll make a mental note to rearrange my vocabulary. Here's a new milestone for us. Perfect.

And didn't you tell me all along that someone was going with you to move in /with/ you? Not once did you tell me that the person who took you to the apartment was an agent. Did you just make up that whole thing to make me feel better or what?

And at this point, why do I even care?

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

I don't feel that now... in the heat of the emotion I may have felt it was a fight, but no... I still don't think we fight. Yes, we have times when we're upset, and I think we're strong in that we can talk about those things and /not/ fight. But no, I don't think we fight, and I'm glad of that... truly glad. I love you, and being with you and being able to talk like this with you is a strength for me. I know I am not as clear as I should be, communicating sometimes, because I just throw the words out there in my hurry to tell everything at once, but I'm trying to work on that.

Someone was going to move in with me. We were both going to go out /with/ the agent, that's what the school does - sends you out with the person who arranges for the apartments, a realtor's agent. But when Sian and I wanted to go to Heliopolis, we were told he didn't have any places to show us, and so we were just... left high and dry, which was more of a problem for /me/ because I didn't already have a place to live. She was just looking to be in a new place with someone else, for company and to share costs, but actually she has since left the school. Her family pressured her to leave Egypt.

Why would I tell you something just to make you feel better? I'll always be honest. Like anyone I don't want to say anything that I know will make someone worry. I like anyone, I might want to protect the one I love from worrying about something, but I don't and won't ever make things up just to try and 'protect' you from worrying about something. I'll tell it like it is, always, even if sometimes it does come out a bit garbled... but I won't tell you something to make you feel better - and I won't /not/ say something just to make you feel better too, or to protect you from anything. I love you.

[mirrani.livejournal.com]

The thing is you tell me one thing and you tell everyone else something different. That's all. Makes me feel not only unimportant and confused, but hurt. Wasn't I good enough for the whole truth? You went out of your way to not mention anyone looking for an apartment with you here, while you were talking to me and that's /all/ you could talk about, that someone else was doing it with you. All I can feel from this is that 1) I wasn't being told the truth 2) others aren't being told the truth and the truth was exaggerated to me to placate my frustrations at you not doing what I'd said you should do, making me a bully.