Alone In My Garden
Oct. 21st, 2011 12:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
But once everyone left, he was alone with all he knew.
I've been thinking about friends and friendship… about love and loving… and being loved, and being a friend… how we make the distinction between one kind of friend and other. If we do… if we should. Surely a friend is a friend is a friend… anyone who's not a friend is either someone you don't know… and acquaintance or a colleague. *shrug* Yet, shouldn't a friend be a friend always? Shouldn't even that kind of love endure? Shouldn't that kind of compassion be always there between friends?
I have always been a bit of a loner… a bit like the boy in the garden whom people will come and talk to… but then in the end, just up and leave. All through school it was because I was the one that was diligent at work, and relatively intelligent. I wouldn't say that I was used exactly, but they were definitely more like acquaintances than friends. There was only really Nikki whom I can say we actually did friend-like things together… (staying over with each other… all that kind of thing), but even with Nikki there was always still that underlying, uneasy feeling that somewhere along the line, she was making fun of me. I did not feel 'loved.'
Even now, after so many life changes, there are those people who have drifted in and out of my garden – and when they were there, yes… it seemed like friends… people with some I shared a lot of things, the way one does with friends. People I relied on, and who leaned on me in return – but where are they now? Is it that I pulled in all my borders and put up walls during a major change in my life and simply haven't let those walls down again yet? I'm still kind of 'in touch' with some of them who I feel I could 'let in' again… people who I was very close to before – yet I still feel some hesitancy that leaves me uncomfortable.
If you try to understand love
before being held,
you will never feel compassion.
But once everyone left, he was alone with all he knew.
I've been thinking about friends and friendship… about love and loving… and being loved, and being a friend… how we make the distinction between one kind of friend and other. If we do… if we should. Surely a friend is a friend is a friend… anyone who's not a friend is either someone you don't know… and acquaintance or a colleague. *shrug* Yet, shouldn't a friend be a friend always? Shouldn't even that kind of love endure? Shouldn't that kind of compassion be always there between friends?
I have always been a bit of a loner… a bit like the boy in the garden whom people will come and talk to… but then in the end, just up and leave. All through school it was because I was the one that was diligent at work, and relatively intelligent. I wouldn't say that I was used exactly, but they were definitely more like acquaintances than friends. There was only really Nikki whom I can say we actually did friend-like things together… (staying over with each other… all that kind of thing), but even with Nikki there was always still that underlying, uneasy feeling that somewhere along the line, she was making fun of me. I did not feel 'loved.'
Even now, after so many life changes, there are those people who have drifted in and out of my garden – and when they were there, yes… it seemed like friends… people with some I shared a lot of things, the way one does with friends. People I relied on, and who leaned on me in return – but where are they now? Is it that I pulled in all my borders and put up walls during a major change in my life and simply haven't let those walls down again yet? I'm still kind of 'in touch' with some of them who I feel I could 'let in' again… people who I was very close to before – yet I still feel some hesitancy that leaves me uncomfortable.
