To Be Loved and To Love
Sep. 26th, 2011 06:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
You do not have to do anything to be loved, and being who you are does not let others down...
I wish I believed this... all of it, I mean.
The first half of it I don't have any trouble with... that I believe. Oh sure there are times when... maybe having tried real hard at something or another and feeling unappreciated or getting snapped at, I might not feel loved, I still know that I am. I'm sure that works the other way around. I know that works the other way around, and that is where my problem in believing in the second half of the sentence comes in... because I feel like I let Mir down a lot of the time... because if she ever doesn't feel loved and appreciated then I've let her down.
And it happens a lot. It happens way too often and I want it to stop. For all that I'll show her in things big and small that the love I have for her is true and is what keeps me going, and what makes me make cookies, kill spiders, do laundry and all the other things I do to physically care for her (and us both) I'm clumsy when it comes to other romantic stuff, because... well there it is, because... I don't know why.
It's supposed to be the guy that has trouble with romantic things in a relationship, not a woman. Why do I? Have I honestly been so cowed by previous experiences with other people that I'm honestly afraid to... joke about spoiled pancakes or... behave in a goofy way, or put aside something I'd been doing so that I can give more of my attention when it's needed? I hope not, because that would be a weakness I'm not comfortable in living with. Have I had my trust so abused in the past that I'm afraid to fully let go and trust again. I hope not, because my love and trust for Mir is all important to me; am I too dense or too cowardly to be romantic then?
I also know it's not all about the romantic gestures, but just about demonstrating love for someone by the things that you do and say. I just want to be the woman I am meant to be and be emotionally supportive to the one I love. Is that too much to ask?
If those I love can't recognise me
With my soul out in the open,
I will no longer retreat
And show what is familiar.
You do not have to do anything to be loved, and being who you are does not let others down...
I wish I believed this... all of it, I mean.
The first half of it I don't have any trouble with... that I believe. Oh sure there are times when... maybe having tried real hard at something or another and feeling unappreciated or getting snapped at, I might not feel loved, I still know that I am. I'm sure that works the other way around. I know that works the other way around, and that is where my problem in believing in the second half of the sentence comes in... because I feel like I let Mir down a lot of the time... because if she ever doesn't feel loved and appreciated then I've let her down.
And it happens a lot. It happens way too often and I want it to stop. For all that I'll show her in things big and small that the love I have for her is true and is what keeps me going, and what makes me make cookies, kill spiders, do laundry and all the other things I do to physically care for her (and us both) I'm clumsy when it comes to other romantic stuff, because... well there it is, because... I don't know why.
It's supposed to be the guy that has trouble with romantic things in a relationship, not a woman. Why do I? Have I honestly been so cowed by previous experiences with other people that I'm honestly afraid to... joke about spoiled pancakes or... behave in a goofy way, or put aside something I'd been doing so that I can give more of my attention when it's needed? I hope not, because that would be a weakness I'm not comfortable in living with. Have I had my trust so abused in the past that I'm afraid to fully let go and trust again. I hope not, because my love and trust for Mir is all important to me; am I too dense or too cowardly to be romantic then?
I also know it's not all about the romantic gestures, but just about demonstrating love for someone by the things that you do and say. I just want to be the woman I am meant to be and be emotionally supportive to the one I love. Is that too much to ask?
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Date: 2011-09-26 10:28 pm (UTC)And as for romantic gestures, I am personally the most practical person I know. To me, for me, the most romantic thing Stephanie can do for me is to understand when I don't want to hang out or get that I want to see her but I need to work so can we kill two birds with one stone. I'd rather have coffee than flowers.
I think only we can define romance. To me, being romantic is getting up and making breakfast for Steph or just holding her hand in the car. It's about being able to tease each other, yes, but also talking about where trust issues are so that teasing doesn't go to far and ruin an adorable moment.
I think you need to give yourself a break, Eiri. More than anything else, I think you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. It's easier said than done, but that self pressure is the most self destructive thing I know of. Trust me. It's a delicate balance I walk.