What Is Happening?
Sep. 26th, 2011 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
Often as we are being transformed, we cannot tell what is happening.
Rather than often, I think I have to say it is 'likely' that we cannot tell what is happening at all. Change by its very nature is unbalancing – even gradual change – and when unbalanced, it is difficult to see truly.
Even in those times that you do realise the change, the transformation that has acted upon you, for good or ill by things in your life, or by pressures and circumstances or even by well intentioned attempts to conform to expectations, it's often too late to do very much about the transformation if it's an unwelcome one, or to appreciate where it came from if it's one that makes things better.
One of the changes in me that I regret the most, and which I think has had a greater bearing on other things that have changed and transformed in me – that I've been working on – fighting against for a long time now, is the fact of my having shut down on a spiritual level for the most part, until very recently.
Perhaps it was an unconscious thing, and perhaps it was a necessary thing, but it was an unbalance that I felt as a hole inside of me, and one that I was powerless to do anything about... again, until recently, and now, I fear very much that it is going to take either a long time (longer than I'd like) to awaken again, or (more likely) that the awakening will be sudden and devastating... to coin a phrase, "A storm is coming."
My spirituality was such a greater part of me that allowed me to put aside 'self' and to give to others over self gain. In closing down spiritually some of that ability waned. A sense of self that was not altogether healthy at times asserted itself, and while I am aware that sometimes you have to take care of yourself, to see to your own needs, wishes and desires, it was and is not something I enjoy doing. It makes me feel selfish and cynical – the whole 'what about me' question.
But now I'm feeling echoes of 'Yeah, what about you?' coming from somewhere deep inside, mocking my own selfishness of thought... and along with all of those things, thoughts and wonders and feelings that I haven't felt in a long time.
Each moment is a doorway and each breath a transformation, even if only for a second... only by living consciously and paying attention can we – can I - hope to understand the chaos that is around me, through which and by which I am transformed as you and every other person in the universe must see through for yourself.
Of magic doors there is this,
you do not see them even
as you are passing through.
--Anonymous
Often as we are being transformed, we cannot tell what is happening.
Rather than often, I think I have to say it is 'likely' that we cannot tell what is happening at all. Change by its very nature is unbalancing – even gradual change – and when unbalanced, it is difficult to see truly.
Even in those times that you do realise the change, the transformation that has acted upon you, for good or ill by things in your life, or by pressures and circumstances or even by well intentioned attempts to conform to expectations, it's often too late to do very much about the transformation if it's an unwelcome one, or to appreciate where it came from if it's one that makes things better.
One of the changes in me that I regret the most, and which I think has had a greater bearing on other things that have changed and transformed in me – that I've been working on – fighting against for a long time now, is the fact of my having shut down on a spiritual level for the most part, until very recently.
Perhaps it was an unconscious thing, and perhaps it was a necessary thing, but it was an unbalance that I felt as a hole inside of me, and one that I was powerless to do anything about... again, until recently, and now, I fear very much that it is going to take either a long time (longer than I'd like) to awaken again, or (more likely) that the awakening will be sudden and devastating... to coin a phrase, "A storm is coming."
My spirituality was such a greater part of me that allowed me to put aside 'self' and to give to others over self gain. In closing down spiritually some of that ability waned. A sense of self that was not altogether healthy at times asserted itself, and while I am aware that sometimes you have to take care of yourself, to see to your own needs, wishes and desires, it was and is not something I enjoy doing. It makes me feel selfish and cynical – the whole 'what about me' question.
But now I'm feeling echoes of 'Yeah, what about you?' coming from somewhere deep inside, mocking my own selfishness of thought... and along with all of those things, thoughts and wonders and feelings that I haven't felt in a long time.
Each moment is a doorway and each breath a transformation, even if only for a second... only by living consciously and paying attention can we – can I - hope to understand the chaos that is around me, through which and by which I am transformed as you and every other person in the universe must see through for yourself.
