Politically Correct
Jun. 13th, 2011 11:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
…if he let things in, he could share more easily than if he kept breaking things down in order to get them out.
I'm going to be honest here, well, I mean I always am here with these things, but… it's just a phrase. I'm being honest in explaining that most of the time I try to break things down because I'm afraid that if I don't do it – other people will. I let people in all the time, see – in my own way at least – and that's all they seem to do… break things down.
But then I get to wondering, (second guessing myself the whole time), if that's what happens, if that's what people do… if that's how people think to help me with stuff, then maybe I'm wrong; maybe it's my perceptions and expectations that are wrong, and that what I'm receiving from people is right. I'm not being criticised, I'm being helped. Maybe this goes back to the personalising and projecting thing again.
But then, in another flip of thinking – or maybe it's just bloody mindedness again – I think, 'but wait… am I not being asked, yet again, not to feel what I feel, but take a step back and think what I feel – against all other advice – against all other honesty, to think an emotion to death to stop myself from feeling it?
Mum does this to me all the time, and it's so frustrating. She'll notice something's wrong, so she'll ask me what's wrong – so then I tell her what I'm feeling, or what's happened that's made me feel the way I do… and then off she goes on some explanation of how and why I shouldn't feel the way I do… I end up feeling criticised, lectured at and told off, rather than understood and comforted… and it's got to the point now where I don't feel I can talk – or I'm afraid to, and that makes me feel sad. But how much of that is just my perception…? Would I still feel that way if I stepped back and heard the words without the emotion they were supposed to be 'comforting?' I really don't know… I know I censor things that I put on Facebook because Mum reads that, and I can do without the hassle. And I feel terrible for being so critical of the way Mum is with this stuff too, because I think she's a great person, a wonderful Mum.
I want to be able to talk to people and start sentences with things like "I'm worried because…" or "I'm sad because…" or "I'm happy because…" or "I'm angry because…" I want to let people in… let the warm water in, and let the ice melt slowly – not be chipped away – coz that hurts.
For example – today I feel like a damned hypocrite because I had to teach about the story of Adam and Eve and the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I know as a teacher I have to follow the syllabus and don't really get a whole lot of choice in the things that I have to teach, but… really… not comfortable with teaching so called 'Christian Values' in the way that I had to. So I've ended up feeling very uncomfortable within myself.
Incidentally, while we're on the subject of Adam and Eve – since when did it become unacceptable to call it an apple ffs? Why do we now have to refer to it as 'the forbidden fruit' or 'the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a damned apple in the bible… and Eve was tempted by a serpent… how long before we have to change that too… until that becomes un-PC.
Okay, I'm going to stop there before I blaspheme any more… right now I have visions of apple trees lobbying the DFE and SACRE about the misrepresentation of apples in religious education.
Those who drink from the one water
gaze at the same stars.
…if he let things in, he could share more easily than if he kept breaking things down in order to get them out.
I'm going to be honest here, well, I mean I always am here with these things, but… it's just a phrase. I'm being honest in explaining that most of the time I try to break things down because I'm afraid that if I don't do it – other people will. I let people in all the time, see – in my own way at least – and that's all they seem to do… break things down.
But then I get to wondering, (second guessing myself the whole time), if that's what happens, if that's what people do… if that's how people think to help me with stuff, then maybe I'm wrong; maybe it's my perceptions and expectations that are wrong, and that what I'm receiving from people is right. I'm not being criticised, I'm being helped. Maybe this goes back to the personalising and projecting thing again.
But then, in another flip of thinking – or maybe it's just bloody mindedness again – I think, 'but wait… am I not being asked, yet again, not to feel what I feel, but take a step back and think what I feel – against all other advice – against all other honesty, to think an emotion to death to stop myself from feeling it?
Mum does this to me all the time, and it's so frustrating. She'll notice something's wrong, so she'll ask me what's wrong – so then I tell her what I'm feeling, or what's happened that's made me feel the way I do… and then off she goes on some explanation of how and why I shouldn't feel the way I do… I end up feeling criticised, lectured at and told off, rather than understood and comforted… and it's got to the point now where I don't feel I can talk – or I'm afraid to, and that makes me feel sad. But how much of that is just my perception…? Would I still feel that way if I stepped back and heard the words without the emotion they were supposed to be 'comforting?' I really don't know… I know I censor things that I put on Facebook because Mum reads that, and I can do without the hassle. And I feel terrible for being so critical of the way Mum is with this stuff too, because I think she's a great person, a wonderful Mum.
I want to be able to talk to people and start sentences with things like "I'm worried because…" or "I'm sad because…" or "I'm happy because…" or "I'm angry because…" I want to let people in… let the warm water in, and let the ice melt slowly – not be chipped away – coz that hurts.
For example – today I feel like a damned hypocrite because I had to teach about the story of Adam and Eve and the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I know as a teacher I have to follow the syllabus and don't really get a whole lot of choice in the things that I have to teach, but… really… not comfortable with teaching so called 'Christian Values' in the way that I had to. So I've ended up feeling very uncomfortable within myself.
Incidentally, while we're on the subject of Adam and Eve – since when did it become unacceptable to call it an apple ffs? Why do we now have to refer to it as 'the forbidden fruit' or 'the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a damned apple in the bible… and Eve was tempted by a serpent… how long before we have to change that too… until that becomes un-PC.
Okay, I'm going to stop there before I blaspheme any more… right now I have visions of apple trees lobbying the DFE and SACRE about the misrepresentation of apples in religious education.
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-14 09:00 pm (UTC)That said... *clearing throat*
You know, it kind of hurts that you'll say Mum asks what's wrong and you tell her... but you won't tell me? You think I'm going to shoot you down like that too, so you don't bother? Why tell her if it upsets you and leave me in the dark, knowing it causes trouble? I'm not being critical as this sounds, I'm just very, very confused.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-14 10:20 pm (UTC)I didn't mean for anything to hurt you, and I don't think I explained very well really, didn't write it very well, because I /don't/ talk to mum. I used to, until I started to feel that she criticised me all the time, and now I just don't feel that I can. I just mumble 'crap day' or whatever and go about my business.
And like I said, I /want/ to be able to talk to people about the way I feel, and more importantly I want to be able to talk more to /you/ than I do already - and I know you don't think I do, but I talk to you more than I do to anyone else - so I need to somehow stop feeling criticism in things.
Today that's a tough one, but only because of the day I've had. *sighs* I just want to talk to you that's all. To be able to say, like I did the other day for example, 'I'm worried about a book I've seen in a class library' and know that we'll have a frank exchange, and at the end I'll feel comforted. I'm not suggesting by this, btw, that I didn't feel that way when we talked about the book, just using that as an example.
And yes, I know I need to talk more - but I'm making a start... and /you're/ the one.