Clear as Mud
May. 7th, 2011 05:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
This is the work of compasiion: to embrace everything clearly without imposing who we are and without losing who we are.
It truly is a balancing act; to be true to oneself and to embrace the experiences life thrusts your way both at the same time, and not allow any of it to muddy the waters of onesef permanently. I'll confess - I'm notoriously bad at it - maybe my waters don't stay mudddied permanently, but it takes a while for the sediment to settle and my water's to become clear again.
It's a side of me that I don't like and I try very hard to deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes I come close to succeeding, sometimes I just frustrate myself (and others too), and frankly, I'd like to have a still clear pool. So I'm working on it.
I still need to open my mouth and speak about my needs, wants, feelings, desires etc. I have been working on that and I think that I've gotten to be a bit better than I was, but by no means ideal or even perfect. I find it hardest to do when I'm already agitated, emotional or tired.
I'm a grown-up - adult - yet I still crave approval and recognition like a child. It's all very well embracing one's inner child, (as the philosophy goes), but when it becomes detrimental to do so, shouldn't there be another way? My inner child craves patience and tollerance in a world grown impatient, intollerant, (and I do mean that at its widest sense). Perhaps my adult self merely needs to take the child in hand and bring her to heel. I just question the honesty in that.
One thing I've said about myself on any number of occasions is that I don't deal well with disappointment. I'll fight it; I'll more heaven and earth to make sure that what I've planned to happen, happens, to the point of almost ridiculous comedic overthinking at times - or else I'll moan and whine about it. It's childish, and I know it, but sometimes I just can't help it.
But most lately I've been trying to be flexible about plans and things, because I know this (above) about myself, and the best way of dealing with it, is not to put myself 'in harms way' as it were. Sometimes though, even that isn't possible.
Sometimes, when your heart gets set on something and then - for whatever reason - it doesn't or can't happen - it's something I have trouble dealing with gracefully. I try to be adult and gracious about setbacks in life - bend like a reed in the wind of experience, but it's harder - I think - because I've rarely had the opportunity to have, within reach, those things I want, until now... now that I'm blessed enough to have the love of someone who wants that for me - mabe that's why it's so hard to deal, when it's within reach and freely offered only to have it disappear through no fault of anyone or anything save circumstances. Hard to deal too when what is perceived in my honest and heartfelt attempts to be adult about what is to be, is not at all what is meant, or what is there.
Like clouds moving in water,
problems make me forget
I am clear
This is the work of compasiion: to embrace everything clearly without imposing who we are and without losing who we are.
It truly is a balancing act; to be true to oneself and to embrace the experiences life thrusts your way both at the same time, and not allow any of it to muddy the waters of onesef permanently. I'll confess - I'm notoriously bad at it - maybe my waters don't stay mudddied permanently, but it takes a while for the sediment to settle and my water's to become clear again.
It's a side of me that I don't like and I try very hard to deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes I come close to succeeding, sometimes I just frustrate myself (and others too), and frankly, I'd like to have a still clear pool. So I'm working on it.
I still need to open my mouth and speak about my needs, wants, feelings, desires etc. I have been working on that and I think that I've gotten to be a bit better than I was, but by no means ideal or even perfect. I find it hardest to do when I'm already agitated, emotional or tired.
I'm a grown-up - adult - yet I still crave approval and recognition like a child. It's all very well embracing one's inner child, (as the philosophy goes), but when it becomes detrimental to do so, shouldn't there be another way? My inner child craves patience and tollerance in a world grown impatient, intollerant, (and I do mean that at its widest sense). Perhaps my adult self merely needs to take the child in hand and bring her to heel. I just question the honesty in that.
One thing I've said about myself on any number of occasions is that I don't deal well with disappointment. I'll fight it; I'll more heaven and earth to make sure that what I've planned to happen, happens, to the point of almost ridiculous comedic overthinking at times - or else I'll moan and whine about it. It's childish, and I know it, but sometimes I just can't help it.
But most lately I've been trying to be flexible about plans and things, because I know this (above) about myself, and the best way of dealing with it, is not to put myself 'in harms way' as it were. Sometimes though, even that isn't possible.
Sometimes, when your heart gets set on something and then - for whatever reason - it doesn't or can't happen - it's something I have trouble dealing with gracefully. I try to be adult and gracious about setbacks in life - bend like a reed in the wind of experience, but it's harder - I think - because I've rarely had the opportunity to have, within reach, those things I want, until now... now that I'm blessed enough to have the love of someone who wants that for me - mabe that's why it's so hard to deal, when it's within reach and freely offered only to have it disappear through no fault of anyone or anything save circumstances. Hard to deal too when what is perceived in my honest and heartfelt attempts to be adult about what is to be, is not at all what is meant, or what is there.
