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Mar. 30th, 2011 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
-After a time, give direct voice to the particular feelings as they rise, saying simply on each outbreath whatever moves through you: sadness, fear, confusion, peace boredom, joy.
Tiredness moves through me today... has done all day as a matter of fact, but it's the kind of tiredness that feels as if somethings coming... I don't know if I can explain that.
It's only Wednesday, and it's been quite the week already as far as feelings go... ups and downs. An ordinary Monday, and ordinary days always make me feel nervous - like a rabbit sitting in the meadow waiting on something happening, and the longer it doesn't the more uncomfortable it gets. I know it shouldn't be like that... I should relish ordinary days as a chance just to ground, but - I guess it's just a product of the tension in me. Tuesday at work I felt intimidated by the teacher I was covering for. I think it was just that he was physically very big, and his presence was very loud. By the end of the day though we were joking together, so it wasn't too bad - and then came the long walk home... Don't get me wrong I wanted to walk, it was a lovely day (would have been a better walk if it were countryside not roads, but it was still pleasant), but physicall that was very demanding. Only three and a half miles... uphill... *shrugs* I need to wii more.
Today an attack of hayfever and I took piriton, which made me want to sleep - actually had to keep getting up and walking around the room while the kids were working because otherwise I would have fallen asleep, and they were supposed to be non-drowsy, but they definitely weren't... they wore off by lunch time, and I felt much better then. Spending the morning feeling that way wasn't pleasant. It rained. It was supposed to, but it rained longer than they said it would. I worried that I'd get wet, because I didn't have a coat, but by the time I was coming home it had stopped. The air was damp, but there was that nice 'after the rain' kind of smell. Good that. Came home to sadness, learning that the doctors and folks with my grandfather don't expect him to live more than a couple of more days. Dad's going tomorrow, but I don't want to... and I feel guilty for saying that. Who wouldn't want to see their grandfather one more time, right? But he's not my grandad any more - his spirit left a long time ago, and I'd prefer to remember him as he was - the man that taught me to waltz, the man who would tease me and tell me 'no' I couldn't come and spend the summer with him and grandma - never serious of course. The man that jumped into the river without a moments thought to save my brother when he fell in... the man who used to take us places in his camper van, let us experience nature and everything She holds. That's the man who is my grandfather. That's the man I want to remember.
I took a nap. Tired from fighting with the computer... tired from fighting with fighting my feelings. It didn't help. I'm still tired.
Do not seek any rules or method of worship.
Say whatever your pained heart chooses.
-Rumi
-After a time, give direct voice to the particular feelings as they rise, saying simply on each outbreath whatever moves through you: sadness, fear, confusion, peace boredom, joy.
Tiredness moves through me today... has done all day as a matter of fact, but it's the kind of tiredness that feels as if somethings coming... I don't know if I can explain that.
It's only Wednesday, and it's been quite the week already as far as feelings go... ups and downs. An ordinary Monday, and ordinary days always make me feel nervous - like a rabbit sitting in the meadow waiting on something happening, and the longer it doesn't the more uncomfortable it gets. I know it shouldn't be like that... I should relish ordinary days as a chance just to ground, but - I guess it's just a product of the tension in me. Tuesday at work I felt intimidated by the teacher I was covering for. I think it was just that he was physically very big, and his presence was very loud. By the end of the day though we were joking together, so it wasn't too bad - and then came the long walk home... Don't get me wrong I wanted to walk, it was a lovely day (would have been a better walk if it were countryside not roads, but it was still pleasant), but physicall that was very demanding. Only three and a half miles... uphill... *shrugs* I need to wii more.
Today an attack of hayfever and I took piriton, which made me want to sleep - actually had to keep getting up and walking around the room while the kids were working because otherwise I would have fallen asleep, and they were supposed to be non-drowsy, but they definitely weren't... they wore off by lunch time, and I felt much better then. Spending the morning feeling that way wasn't pleasant. It rained. It was supposed to, but it rained longer than they said it would. I worried that I'd get wet, because I didn't have a coat, but by the time I was coming home it had stopped. The air was damp, but there was that nice 'after the rain' kind of smell. Good that. Came home to sadness, learning that the doctors and folks with my grandfather don't expect him to live more than a couple of more days. Dad's going tomorrow, but I don't want to... and I feel guilty for saying that. Who wouldn't want to see their grandfather one more time, right? But he's not my grandad any more - his spirit left a long time ago, and I'd prefer to remember him as he was - the man that taught me to waltz, the man who would tease me and tell me 'no' I couldn't come and spend the summer with him and grandma - never serious of course. The man that jumped into the river without a moments thought to save my brother when he fell in... the man who used to take us places in his camper van, let us experience nature and everything She holds. That's the man who is my grandfather. That's the man I want to remember.
I took a nap. Tired from fighting with the computer... tired from fighting with fighting my feelings. It didn't help. I'm still tired.
