Authority Figures
Feb. 15th, 2011 01:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
The thresholds go nowhere. It is we who, in our readiness and experience, keep coming back, because the soul knows only one way to fulfill itself, and that is to take in what is true.
It has taken me a long time to figure this one out. What is the threshold I return to again and again, the thing that keeps on coming back to haunt me as it were. Yet, as I sat here, I started thinking of how much of a challenge the last week or so has been, how much I have hated - and I use that strong word deliberately - dealing with the people and issues I have had to deal with, and I came to one conclusion.
I am cowed by authority.
I should maybe clarify that a little bit, in saying that by 'authority' I mean those whom I perceive as having some kind of 'power over' me, even if only in a little way. As an example... I really have a hard time talking to people on the phone when I need to sort something out. Oh, I don't mean I can't talk to my friends on the phone, that's easy, they're my friends, and we have certain commonalities which we share. However, as an example, calling a restaurant to make a reservation - I'm happier if someone else does it. Calling a customer service department to report a fault - I did it, but it was hell, and when I got downstairs to discover that mum was trying to call them too, my first thought was 'why didn't I just wait?' and as for calling the agency to speak with the manager to discuss a serious issue, or complaint - it was so hellish to me that after every call (and it took a while to get hold of the man - I think he was avoiding me), I would have to take many long moments to stop shaking.
But why should this be? I do not consider myself weak, or subservient to these people, for all that I'm usually more apologetic than anything else when making such calls. It's not that I lack a certain amount of confidence - I would be able to do the job that I do if I did... but I definitely do have problems in seeing myself as being as 'deserving' as the person at the other end of the phone, of a certain degree of authority.
It spills out into other interactions too. If I can't find something in a store, I'm often afraid to ask, (though I do more often these days, for a number of reasons). I don't like to bother people for things even when I have every right to do so.
And I worry that this particular issue, this threshold is hampering my ability to take charge of my own life to the degree that I need to. That's not to say that I'm not in charge of it at all - just that I probably could be more so, in a more positive way, were I just to realise - to accept, that I am just as much entitled to have authority and to exercise is as the next man, woman or child. If I could just do that, then I truly believe there would be far less awkward moments, I would definitely worry far less, and often get a better night of restful sleep, rather than be awake half the night worrying because I have to call this person, or that person.
The other thing I worry over is - since I didn't always used to be this way - what happened to push me along this road, and when, exactly did it happen. What has been feeding my insecurities?
The stuff of our lives doesn't change.
It is we who change in relation to it.
- Molly Vass
The thresholds go nowhere. It is we who, in our readiness and experience, keep coming back, because the soul knows only one way to fulfill itself, and that is to take in what is true.
It has taken me a long time to figure this one out. What is the threshold I return to again and again, the thing that keeps on coming back to haunt me as it were. Yet, as I sat here, I started thinking of how much of a challenge the last week or so has been, how much I have hated - and I use that strong word deliberately - dealing with the people and issues I have had to deal with, and I came to one conclusion.
I am cowed by authority.
I should maybe clarify that a little bit, in saying that by 'authority' I mean those whom I perceive as having some kind of 'power over' me, even if only in a little way. As an example... I really have a hard time talking to people on the phone when I need to sort something out. Oh, I don't mean I can't talk to my friends on the phone, that's easy, they're my friends, and we have certain commonalities which we share. However, as an example, calling a restaurant to make a reservation - I'm happier if someone else does it. Calling a customer service department to report a fault - I did it, but it was hell, and when I got downstairs to discover that mum was trying to call them too, my first thought was 'why didn't I just wait?' and as for calling the agency to speak with the manager to discuss a serious issue, or complaint - it was so hellish to me that after every call (and it took a while to get hold of the man - I think he was avoiding me), I would have to take many long moments to stop shaking.
But why should this be? I do not consider myself weak, or subservient to these people, for all that I'm usually more apologetic than anything else when making such calls. It's not that I lack a certain amount of confidence - I would be able to do the job that I do if I did... but I definitely do have problems in seeing myself as being as 'deserving' as the person at the other end of the phone, of a certain degree of authority.
It spills out into other interactions too. If I can't find something in a store, I'm often afraid to ask, (though I do more often these days, for a number of reasons). I don't like to bother people for things even when I have every right to do so.
And I worry that this particular issue, this threshold is hampering my ability to take charge of my own life to the degree that I need to. That's not to say that I'm not in charge of it at all - just that I probably could be more so, in a more positive way, were I just to realise - to accept, that I am just as much entitled to have authority and to exercise is as the next man, woman or child. If I could just do that, then I truly believe there would be far less awkward moments, I would definitely worry far less, and often get a better night of restful sleep, rather than be awake half the night worrying because I have to call this person, or that person.
The other thing I worry over is - since I didn't always used to be this way - what happened to push me along this road, and when, exactly did it happen. What has been feeding my insecurities?
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These are good...
Date: 2011-02-15 06:42 pm (UTC)Be careful not to beat yourself up about any of this. That's like paying twice. Ok? (hugs)
Re: These are good...
Date: 2011-02-15 07:11 pm (UTC)The whole of the book is really exceptional. Mir found it on GMA one day while she was on a snow delay, and we decided to work through the daily meditations/exercises together and see what came up.
It's not exclusive though, if you would like to join in, let me know, and we can forward the text of the the day to you, so that you can use them to inspire your own thinking if you'd like. The more the merrier, is what Mir and I think.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 07:18 pm (UTC)Another "for me" here... If I were in your shoes, calling some service department in a strange country, I'd be worried about it too... and being poked into doing that so often, (by my not wanting to talk to anyone) is probably a big part of it... So I blame myself.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 07:23 pm (UTC)