Old Reflexes - New Directions
Feb. 13th, 2011 07:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
So often we make a commitment to change our ways, but stall in the face of old reflexes as new situations arise. When gripped by fear or anxiety, the reflex is to hold on, speed up, or remove oneself. Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down. Often when we feel the impulse to flee, it is the opportunity to face ourselves. Taking a deep meditative breath, precisely at this moment, can often break the momentum of anxiety and put our psyche in neutral. From here, we just might be able to step in another direction.
Old reflexes are in fact the biggest burden, the biggest hurdle I am facing, not in 'changing my ways,' but in actually rediscovering way I once walked freely and happily upon, before I lost my way. Whatever it was that made me lose faith (in myself as well as in those around me), I cannot truly say. Certainly, I can identify many things that have hurt me, or kindled in me that impulse to flee, to hide, or remove myself from the situation, and the people who have precipitated those actions in me. Notice I say 'precipitated...?' I say that because of the argument that no one can make you do anything or feel any particular way, the responsibility for doing or feeling anything in response to the actions or words of an outside influence is your alone, (in this case mine alone).
I have a problem with that. I never used to, well not so much as I do currently, but of late, I've been so exposed to 'you made me feel...' (fill in the blank), yet when I felt the necessity to express the way I've been feeling in response to various things, I've been unable to, partly because I don't want to be seen to be using emotion to influence a situation, but also because of the expected 'I didn't make you feel anything, you chose to feel that way' response. The hypocricy here isn't hard to miss... so I guess my psyche has settled into a petulant state of - 'well if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me' kind of attitude, and so ergo, I have a problem with the above mentioned philosophy.
It's a kind of conflict, you see... and I've mentioned before how I run from, hide from and otherwise avoid conflict - at all cost. Seems like the cost right now, however, is this sought after return to the ways I used to follow.
But how do I do that when I don't feel safe to express what's going on inside me? My emotional responses are being stuffed under the cushions almost as soon as they happen - swallowed down and remaining unfaced in order to avoid conflict... in order to avoid upsetting people, and thus being upset myself.
I see how much it's a viscious circle, and want to break out of the circle, and yet, I cling to the fears that stop me from facing myself, and being open... being me
Someone recently said to me, "I don't know how you have the patience." It isn't about patience, or any such virtuous thing - it's pure cowardice. It's a capitulation to the frightened child inside. But it's not healthy, and surely knowing all of this you'd think it would be easy to stop it, right? Easy to take that deep, meditative breath and in the silence of it, find myself and the courage to do and say what I should?
So here's to deep breaths and different directions...
As a man in his last breath
drops all he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free.
So often we make a commitment to change our ways, but stall in the face of old reflexes as new situations arise. When gripped by fear or anxiety, the reflex is to hold on, speed up, or remove oneself. Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down. Often when we feel the impulse to flee, it is the opportunity to face ourselves. Taking a deep meditative breath, precisely at this moment, can often break the momentum of anxiety and put our psyche in neutral. From here, we just might be able to step in another direction.
Old reflexes are in fact the biggest burden, the biggest hurdle I am facing, not in 'changing my ways,' but in actually rediscovering way I once walked freely and happily upon, before I lost my way. Whatever it was that made me lose faith (in myself as well as in those around me), I cannot truly say. Certainly, I can identify many things that have hurt me, or kindled in me that impulse to flee, to hide, or remove myself from the situation, and the people who have precipitated those actions in me. Notice I say 'precipitated...?' I say that because of the argument that no one can make you do anything or feel any particular way, the responsibility for doing or feeling anything in response to the actions or words of an outside influence is your alone, (in this case mine alone).
I have a problem with that. I never used to, well not so much as I do currently, but of late, I've been so exposed to 'you made me feel...' (fill in the blank), yet when I felt the necessity to express the way I've been feeling in response to various things, I've been unable to, partly because I don't want to be seen to be using emotion to influence a situation, but also because of the expected 'I didn't make you feel anything, you chose to feel that way' response. The hypocricy here isn't hard to miss... so I guess my psyche has settled into a petulant state of - 'well if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me' kind of attitude, and so ergo, I have a problem with the above mentioned philosophy.
It's a kind of conflict, you see... and I've mentioned before how I run from, hide from and otherwise avoid conflict - at all cost. Seems like the cost right now, however, is this sought after return to the ways I used to follow.
But how do I do that when I don't feel safe to express what's going on inside me? My emotional responses are being stuffed under the cushions almost as soon as they happen - swallowed down and remaining unfaced in order to avoid conflict... in order to avoid upsetting people, and thus being upset myself.
I see how much it's a viscious circle, and want to break out of the circle, and yet, I cling to the fears that stop me from facing myself, and being open... being me
Someone recently said to me, "I don't know how you have the patience." It isn't about patience, or any such virtuous thing - it's pure cowardice. It's a capitulation to the frightened child inside. But it's not healthy, and surely knowing all of this you'd think it would be easy to stop it, right? Easy to take that deep, meditative breath and in the silence of it, find myself and the courage to do and say what I should?
So here's to deep breaths and different directions...
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 07:08 pm (UTC)I like to think I'm a little bit better now, that I open up more than I used to... and you don't make me feel rotten, you make me feel loved.
If not for you, I don't know where I would be.