Yes and No
Jan. 16th, 2011 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cedar_groveFrom The Book of Awakening:Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
"When we leave the crowded streets and watch any piece of nature doing what it does-tree, moose, snake, or lightning-it becomes clear that the very energy of life is the spirit released by things being what they are. And those of us committed to love must accept that care is the inner river flooding its banks. Yet if the souls' river can't be fed by its source, there will be no care."
This is a particularly bad one for me. It's not that I always say yes when I mean no, not even sometimes, just that – more often than not – I don't even bother with thinking about what I want and just go along with everyone else wishes and desires. It's in my nature to do that. (And yet, in spite of it, I still get accused of being careless and selfish, hmm).
Does living this way make me happy? Sometimes it does, though not especially often. Does it make me miserable? Not really that either, it just is a fact that I'll always put what others want before mine. (And again, in spite of that, I still get accused of being careless and selfish – I see a pattern evolving here).
Never used to be this way… though that's not to say I used to be any more or less self centred than now, just that I always used to make my feelings known and then go along with what other people want. (I was accused of being careless and selfish then too… damned if you and damned if you don't).
So which is more selfish – giving in or imposing your wants and desires on other people?
I can't answer that right now.
Today isn't really the day for me to be looking at this I guess. I'm having one of those kind of days today, where I've ended up feeling pretty useless, ineffective and unwanted. That kind of emotion doesn't really lend itself to a successful self examination of one's own motivations and the likes. Self awareness, on days like this, for me, is particularly pointy and painful. Maybe it's days like this that I should do it, to use that discomfort to dig out those things that are unhelpful or to look in those places I don't want to look. I'm sore anyway, right, what more harm could a little scraping away at the scars do?
What more can I say? I'm aware that the word 'no' exists, even though I don't like to use it because I try to avoid conflict like the plague and more often than not that simple word has caused me more conflict than I care to discuss. I'm aware that I need to be more open about my wants, need and desires and I am trying… honestly. I've been way better in the last several months than I have been for years. I still need to work on it… it would be too comfortable to laps back into 'yes.' It would also be entirely unfair to others for me to do so.
I say yes when I mean no and the wrinkle grows.
-Naomi Shihab Nye
"When we leave the crowded streets and watch any piece of nature doing what it does-tree, moose, snake, or lightning-it becomes clear that the very energy of life is the spirit released by things being what they are. And those of us committed to love must accept that care is the inner river flooding its banks. Yet if the souls' river can't be fed by its source, there will be no care."
This is a particularly bad one for me. It's not that I always say yes when I mean no, not even sometimes, just that – more often than not – I don't even bother with thinking about what I want and just go along with everyone else wishes and desires. It's in my nature to do that. (And yet, in spite of it, I still get accused of being careless and selfish, hmm).
Does living this way make me happy? Sometimes it does, though not especially often. Does it make me miserable? Not really that either, it just is a fact that I'll always put what others want before mine. (And again, in spite of that, I still get accused of being careless and selfish – I see a pattern evolving here).
Never used to be this way… though that's not to say I used to be any more or less self centred than now, just that I always used to make my feelings known and then go along with what other people want. (I was accused of being careless and selfish then too… damned if you and damned if you don't).
So which is more selfish – giving in or imposing your wants and desires on other people?
I can't answer that right now.
Today isn't really the day for me to be looking at this I guess. I'm having one of those kind of days today, where I've ended up feeling pretty useless, ineffective and unwanted. That kind of emotion doesn't really lend itself to a successful self examination of one's own motivations and the likes. Self awareness, on days like this, for me, is particularly pointy and painful. Maybe it's days like this that I should do it, to use that discomfort to dig out those things that are unhelpful or to look in those places I don't want to look. I'm sore anyway, right, what more harm could a little scraping away at the scars do?
What more can I say? I'm aware that the word 'no' exists, even though I don't like to use it because I try to avoid conflict like the plague and more often than not that simple word has caused me more conflict than I care to discuss. I'm aware that I need to be more open about my wants, need and desires and I am trying… honestly. I've been way better in the last several months than I have been for years. I still need to work on it… it would be too comfortable to laps back into 'yes.' It would also be entirely unfair to others for me to do so.
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The focus on self.
Date: 2011-01-16 09:37 pm (UTC)There's a difference between saying "Yeah, I'm up for it" even when you're not and saying "Sure, if it's the only thing there is to do, I guess I can go along with you." Not that the second one is selfish, but it does kind of push your motives in saying it to a different direction.
Of course, I can't really fairly comment on your past and what other people have said about you... I only know how I feel about myself in the situation. *shrug*
Re: The focus on self.
Date: 2011-01-16 09:39 pm (UTC)