A Jedi Mind Trick

At first there was nothing. Then there was a void, which was more than nothing. Then there was the earth our home, like a woman with ample breasts, solid and deep. Then there came love, which is amonog all things the most beautiful, for it softens all of us and leads us into dalliance and play and joy where otherwise would be all prudent work and somber labor. Then earth surrounded herself with sky and labored to produce high mountains and surging sea, while the void gave birth to darkness and night. And the void fell in love with the night and they, together conceived. Their children: light and day, children of the dark.

--Greek poet Hesiod, Theogony

Why can you not embrace all parts of yourself, the apparently negative as well as the beaming goodness? Why can you not love yourself, just as you are?

Loving yourself, accepting your 'negative'as part of you does not mean that you cannot strive to better those parts of you that you recognise as negative.

Is that a trap that I have fallen into? In my subconscious am I saying, I'm terrible at x, y and z but that's just who I am so... and that is why no matter how consciously I try to change something that needs bettering within myself, or at least need a return to what was, I am doomed to not succeed? This entry has made me think a lot upon those questions, and upon what one thing, what one area I would begin in if I were to change my subconscious thought through affirmation to I'm terrible a x, I recognise this and can move toward being better. This is who I am.

The one thing is obvious... and probably not just to me. I communicate badly.

Not only do I communicate badly, but I allow myself to communicate badly through the addendum 'but I'm trying to do better.' I fear I must take heed of the words of Yoda on this one. Do, or do not... there is no try. It is, after all, one of the things I used regularly to quote to my students in Wicca - brings me back to a criticism I took harshly the other day, when Mir told me, you don't even listen to yourself.

Can't make any promises that it'll get better overnight. Nor even very quickly... but while I embrace it as a part of me, and still love me (or at least attempt to love myself warts and all), my lack of communicating effectively frustrates me. Why don't I do it? What do I fear? Well... for one, criticism, being judged. And don't sit there and tell me that (as a friend, or someone that loves me, since I figure they are the only people that read my journal), you wouldn't do that. You do. Almost everyone I know does, and if that hurts or is in any way a damning statement, I'm sorry, but you want me to be truthful, right? I've come to very much doubt the old 'unconditional love' that I used expect and to live by. Maybe that's a big part of the differences in me too. Hard to do that when you fear so many things all the time, and I've been not communicating that either... that increase in cynicism... mostly because I don't like that either, but one thing at a time.

So... I'm terrible at communicating, but I can be better. This is who I am.