Vicious Pit of Total Oblivion

Before the earth, before the sky,
was there nothing?
No. There was something.
Something like a cloud
or a nebula, a mist with no source.
It was all silence and distance.
But it moved, like a great silent
wheel, in its great solitude.
This was the source of all,
the mother of all creation.
If you force me to name it,
I will call it The Great Tao,
the way itself, endless and eternal.

--Chinese Tao te Ching

Look upon its great emptiness without flinching. There is nothing to fear.

I found it quite hard to meditate on today's entry without ending up going over old ground, rehashing everything I have already said about feeling as if I am without hope; without direction; without a thought as to how I might divert myself from an apparent wrong path. There comes a point where repeating yourself becomes counter productive, and in a way another barrier to righting ones way along life's journey. At least that's the way it seems to me.

I feel as if I am sitting on the side of a mountain, perhaps one of the ones along the Blue Ridge Parkway, overlooking the voice of cloud and mist that is the Vicious Pit of Total Oblivion (thank you Mir and Chase). On the other side of this swirling nothing I can see the other peaks, the distant destination to which I need to reach, and yet I cannot see a way across the void. While this is, I have to say, a beautiful sight to behold in those North Carolinian mountains, when it is all you see in your meditations on the future, it is terrifying.

You would think it would be easy, sure... tell the head, 'No thank you, your kindness is appreciated, and the work here has been great, but I will be ending my work here with you at the end of the current conract.' and then leave in June, return to the UK at the beginning of September, and work in substitute teaching once more until after CT, when I can take a full time post again - aiming for the international school in Charlotte. Even if the work in the UK has to be outside of teaching.

They are simple words, and it is a simple course of action. Why then is it so hard to do? It is also a leap of faith... and perhaps because this last 'leap' fell far short of almost all expectations and hopes - except perhaps the 'steady income' part - I am afraid to do so again. And yes, there is also the part of me that is afraid to lose that 'steady income' which would undoubtedly come with being here... and to be able to make contributions to the financial support of my family, and while I know that money isn't everything, (isn't really anything come to it, except a means to survive), there is also the respect and self respect that comes along with having a job, having a purpose, being able to provide for ones family... for yes, it is not just the man that feels that responsibility. It is there for the woman too, to be able to provide emotional provision usually perhaps, but since I seem to be unable to do that, contributing to the finances to reduce that stressor is perhaps all I have left.

There was none so big a slap around the face in terms of my respect/self respect factor than last November when Mir told me that her mother had been saying what amount to terrible things about me, lies and innnuendo about my character and had pretty much dismissed me as a layabout and a bum that was basically mooching off of her daughter. She underlined that at Christmas when we were speaking with what was veiled as a supportive comment, "At least it's a job."

That's what everyone says, even some people here, but it's not the job that's the problem/issue. The job I can do with my eyes shut, and do it well even against all the ridiculous restrictions that policy and current practise put in the way. I know that. I've been told that, and feel it in the respect I am shown by most of my colleagues. It's working around everything else that is exhausting. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Egypt is a country which holds much historical and spiritual appeal for many people - most people that I know as a matter of fact - me included, but at the moment that is clouded, overshadowed by the harsh struggle (and that's not putting it too strongly) that is living here. I don't want that to sour my thoughts and my heart to this place, which does have a great, beating spiritual heart.

Right now it's hidden somewhere within that Vicious Pit of Total Oblivion, just as are the answers to my current dilemma. I know the path, the way, the answer is there, I just can't find it.