Not More Of The Usual Crap... A Genuine Cry.

Imagine this: the maiden godddess playing in a flowery meadow, together with the full-bodied daughters of the ocean. They were gathering flowers: just open roses, crocuses, and dark violets from the soft grass, and lilies and hyacinths.

And then they saw a new flower, voluptuous
and fragrant.

It was narcissus, that wonder, sending forth a hundred blooms from a single bulb, making the very earth laugh with delight at its heady fragrance - the earth and the blue sky also, and the ocean water, all amazed and laughing at this new creature, this marvel of a flower, which the goddess reached out her hand to pick.

--Homeric hymn to Demeter

But somewhere, flowes are blooming. Somewhere, a soft rain falls. Somewhere a warm breeze wafts through budding trees. Hope can be hard to locate during the wintry seasons of our lives.

As of last night, I'm all out of hope any more. Everyone has limits on their strength; on what they can deal with - and I have reached mine. I know it's probably only a temporary low... environmental maybe, but I have reached the bottom where I feel less than worthless.

I need help. I don't know what help I need so I don't know how to ask for it - which just leads back into me not communicating well.

One thing I love about Mir, my wonderful guy, is that she's never coddled me. Supportive, yeah, but never in a way that doesn't make me stand on my own two feet. But... I need a little coddling now, and because of the way I've been since I got here - the way I've completely unintentionally been behaving with her - I've pushed her too far. I've pushed her into the way she's being with me right now. I deserve it...but gods know I don't need it. I need her solid, protective strength - the parts of her that are like her father was - She's more like him that she realises I think.... can be, when she's at peace. I need to give her back that peace, for herself, not for me. I need to not be like her mother. It brings that out in her.

I take responsibility for that.

I take full responsibility for all the things I've done that have led me to this point; that has made me this way. I take full responsibility for the choices that - in ignorance - I made. Ignorance is no excuse, I know, but I can't do it any more.

I need to get out of here. No amount of 'financial security'; no amount of money is worth this.